Survivors guilt. even though it wasnt me trying to survive.

[misdee]

tomorrow i have to take peter into hospital for a routine blood test. part of me wants to visit the transplant unit, but a biggter part of me doesnt. there are so many memories and emotions around that unit, and i dont know if i can face seeing new patiemts, or old ones still waiting. Peter being alive and well is amazing, and belive me, we are enternaly grateful for his donor and all the team at harefield, but i feel guilty as not everyone will get this chance. i'm not even sure if guilt is the right word. but theres soemthing there which i can explain.

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I don't have anything like this experience either, but my instant thought was that if I were a patient there I'd see you as embodying hope rather than anything else.

For you, though, I can well imagine a bundle of conflicting feelings - memories, images of what it was like, could have been like (if Peter hadn't had his heart) or all sorts of other things?

Either way, good luck - seems to me its really ok for you to visit or not visit as feels right tomorrow. xx

well we didnt visit. but did meet another lvad patient who has been on the machine (different one, more portable) for a lot longer than peter was. chatted to his wife, lovely lady, and we are trying to think of ways to help him get a new heart, as they are running out of hope like we were.