Coping with my fathers mentality

[KeepxFaith]

Hi everyone,

I have a question about my fathers behaviour, could you have a read and see what you think? (It’s going to sound very silly but I’m curious as to why it had annoyed me so much) - So my mum went out yesterday with her friend to the city and she organised my dads food for the day before she left. So she made him his breakfast, a tray of food with his lunch on it and snacks, and left his dinner on a plate in the fridge. The fact that she has went to all this effort alone annoys me as he is treated like a child - she treats him like this all the time even when she is in the house. So when it came to dinner time there was 2 tubs of Tupperware with food in them and a plate of food covered with cellophane. He called up the stairs to ask me ‘do you know which one I eat for my dinner?’ And I told him that I wasn’t sure and just to eat whatever he wanted. So it turns out he took something in the small Tupperware which was not even a made up meal, it was just plain pasta and a chicken breast left over from something different my mum was cooking earlier in the week. When my mum came home and found out he had had this for his tea she was very annoyed, and she said she had blatantly made up a place of food for him (which was sitting in the fridge with cellophane over it). Now I don’t know if this is just a complete breach of communication between my mum and dad, and he actually did want to eat what was in the Tupperware. But when you open the fridge and there is clearly a nice meal sitting there, or something half made up in the Tupperware why would you not eat the nice meal? Now he has acted like this in certain situations in the past. And I genuinely always thought it was a mental issue - like he genuinely did it to get on my mums nerves in a manipulative/narcissist way because she had left him for the day to be with her friend. Now if my mum hadn’t of made him any food and not laid his food out for him like a child he wouldn’t have ate anything all day because I’ve seen him do this before. And in my eyes I always thought he was ‘starving himself’ because my mum had left him for the day to be with a friend and this was a ‘manipulative way to get back at her.’ Does anyone see where I am coming from or have any opinions on this?

I have just only realised now that when I was little my parents were very strict - especially with food - almost micromanaged. So it looks like since I have grown up and am an adult myself now my dad has fallen into the kid role (someone she can look after). It really is ridiculous, he does absolutely nothing for himself.

I live with my parents at the moment (I’m 31) so it is difficult and this may have been why it has bothered me but all my life my dad has done little things like this and I have always believed he knew what he was doing. Anyway, just looking for some people opinions who have experience with this type of personality and if you know ways to see past it/let the frustration go. I must add that I used to get so unbelievably annoyed about situations like this but now I believe that if he wants to act like that just let him - but there is still some underlying feelings of anger. Thanks all!

I can see why it bothers you.

I think to them it's entirely normal. Both now see it as their role. Sometimes it's a generational thing. When dmil died dfil had never ever put on the washing machine. But he did help with the washing up and could cook. But they were wartime generation and probably not unusual then. And with your parents it seems quite extreme.

Did your dad never have to fend for himself for more than a day? Presumably not.

The micromanaging of food when you were a child also seems like a slightly extreme version of a generational thing. We didn't really have snacks when I was growing up or help ourselves much also.

Sounds like he wants to make life difficult for your mother as she has gone out with a friend.
I have a elderly relative who does everything for her husband as he can't do anything for himself due to mobility issues. He has a little walker on wheels to support him so he can get to the loo. One day she went out to meet a friend for a coffee, she gave him breakfast, dressed him and sat him in his favourite chair. He said he was fine.
She came back later with him complaining that he needed a drink of water. She said why didn't you get one? He said he couldn't hold a glass and his walker. She then pointed out he could have stood at the sink with his walker and drank a glass of water as she had left a glass out. He didn't have an answer for that.

I'm presuming your father has serious disabilities/mobility issues for your mother to basically treat him like a frail 90 something? How old is he?

This is 100% a generational thing. Wives were expected to cater to their husbands like this back in the day, which means lots of them had absolutely no idea how to do ANY of this stuff. He could have figured it out for himself at some point I'm sure.

Tell him if he wants to make his own food it's entirely possible for him to learn etc.

Sounds like it’s a massively dysfunctional relationship and you should be trying to move out asap

How does your mum feel about it all?

My parents had a similar dynamic with certain things. For example she always sorted out his outfits ,including socks. A grown ass man asking his wife every time they went out what should he wear.

Oh she'd huff and puff and roll her eyes sometimes, but she actually saw it as her role and was very proud of it. Not just that, but now she berates me for not doing the same for OH. He's neglected poor little lamb. The fact that he's a fully functional adult,and in fact older than me, seems to completely bypass her.

So as annoying as your dad might be, consider if possibly this is a dynamic encouraged and promoted by your mum.

Sometimes it’s about efficient use of food in the fridge. Planning other meals (like using the chicken breast and making soup for four people).
sometimes prepping everything for a spouse is because they can be nasty about the other “leaving them”.
ummm sometimes it’s guilt over going out spending money that your partner earned (if your a SAH wife).
loads of reasons why people do this, ask your mom.
and food management within a household is an art, and often the only thing a person has control of. Savings in this area allows you float for tough times or pin money.

How old are they?

Exactly which generation? Many of my friends are in their 70s and early 80s and would laugh hysterically at this scenario - a man who not only needs all three meals plated up, but needs to be told which one to eat when.

It’s them, and it’s weird.

I agree that it is generational and the way things used to be (even though a fairly extreme example) but as the OP is 31 I doubt either of her parents were born in the 19th century or even several decades later, which is why I asked how old he is.

Your father did it on purpose to annoy your mother. He wanted to punish her for going out with her friends.

If she has labelled the meals he would still have been “ confused “ because she didn’t tell him how to heat it up.

If she wrote everything down, he would have lost the piece of paper. Or not been able to read it because she hadn’t left his reading glasses beside it.

If she had done all the above, he would have dropped the plate and broken it so he had to throw all the food in the bin. That would be because your mother put the cling film on too tightly.

Maybe your Mum is controlling over food and what can and cannot be eaten. So he's scared to eat the wrong thing and suffer her wrath?

Thank you everyone for the replies, some very interesting! My dad is 60 and my mum mid 50s for those asking. He did apparently have quiet a hard upbringing as his mum wasn't very kind to him (didn't show much love, didn't celebrate his birthday etc) I don't know much about it but I assume this might have something to do with the way he acts now. I asked my therapist about this (ex-therapist) and she kindly emailed me back about how it sounds like attention seeking behaviour. This makes sense as I have noticed some very things similar in the past and he just likes to make things awkward sometimes for no reason.

He doesn’t have any mobility issues at all. He is perfectly healthy (they go on a long 5 mile walk each morning) but my mum does absolutely everything for him so I guess he’s used to it. When he’s ready for a meal he will say ‘okay I’m ready for my dinner now’ as if it’s a restaurant. And he takes a yogurt for his desert every day when he’s finished his dinner he walks into the kitchen and opens the fridge and stands and stares in the fridge (he knows fine we’ll we’re the yoghurts sit on the shelf) until my mum notices and gets annoyed and gets the yoghurt for him herself. Sorry to ramble!

The behaviour honestly makes me feel so uncomfortable and It is really hard for me to live with but I spend a lot of time at my boyfriends house and we’re looking to move out asap. I feel so bad for my mum, she puts up with it, it does annoy her but I think she just doesn’t know anything else because they’ve been married 30 odd years.

Happy Christmas all !! ✨🎅🎄

My goodness,I'm 65 and my husband is 67. We're catering for 7 tomorrow and this evening we've been precooked veg to warm up tomorrow. He did most of the planning and is still at it now as I speak. I guess we did 33:66 percent with me at the 33. He just has more rnergy as me. We did together agree the plan of cooking He suggested. Meat to be done early tomorrow together with mushrooms, Yorkshire, peas , and beans. I guess I am lucky. Can't understand why a 60 year old man can't look after himself.

Just has more energy than me I meant. Our both hearts and minds are mostly in a similar place but he is physically stronger and has more energy.

As I thought, not generational in this case. I'm your fathers age. He is in good health. This is them OP and it is a weird fucked up dynamic where they are supporting and enabling each others dependent behaviour, because IMO your mother is dependent on this too, or as a woman who is still quite young in the 21st century, she would leave. I truly wouldn't let it upset you. You won't change them and the best thing you can do is get out as soon as possible.