Relative Eating Themselves to Death

[HamBone]

Sorry for the shocking title, but this is what’s happening. ☹️

Long story short, DH’s family is very scattered and it’s been difficult to get everyone together in one place since the pandemic. We finally managed it for Thanksgiving (we’re in the US) last week.

One of his sister’s has struggled with her weight for several years, but I was literally dumbstruck when I saw her. She’s not overweight now, she’s morbidly obese and struggles to walk any distance or upstairs. Her breathing is terrible (she wheezes even when sitting) and apparently she snores loudly at night (another relative sleeping next door told me, they had trouble sleeping due to the noise).

She’s only 45 and looks so much older. I wouldn’t be surprised if she needs to use a walking frame within the next 10 years.

Has anyone else experienced this situation in their family and do you have any advice on how to help the person? Ultimately, it’s my SIL’s choice, but this weight gain is an illness now, I can’t see her making it to 60 unless she does something. My other SIL is worried sick but says she won’t listen to any suggestions for active hobbies, etc.

Hi OP I do not have personal experience of this, however, something you said that sticks out is that she doesn't seem to want help or to change. So really there's nothing you can do as change has to come from her and she has to want to change.

i have someone in my family like this but they’re late 50s. They don’t want to change so not much anyone can do. They also struggle up up stairs and are very inactive. It is shocking to see, I agree.

Would she speak to her doctor about a safe weight loss programme rather than suggesting activities that she would really struggle with.

It’s sad and horrible to witness, but I’m not sure you can really do anything. She must know she’s obese and risking her health. She has to initiate change and ask for support.

I don't think you CAN help. She knows quite well that she isn't a healthy weight. Weight loss (or gain) has more to di with the unhappinnes of the person. If you know what hwr enotional issues are you can help with that, the weight is just a side effect really.

My BIL is like this. It’s quite awful to witness. He’s been like it since his mid 40s and ten years later is diabetic, has had a severe stroke which has left him with mental impairment, and has had two extremely bad large infection on his feet, due to diabetes. He’s also separated from his partner and his teenage DDs don’t have much contact with him.

He caused so much anger, heartbreak and frustration in our family, including his elderly parent. We’ve all offered him support and financial help for counselling, but absolutely nothing changes his habits.

Dh and I wished we’ve learned earlier that there’s absolutely nothing we can do and we need to come to terms with the fact he’s an addict and he is killing himself.

I have a family member like this. I find it frustrating as under eating would be addressed as an Illness. Other addictions would be addressed as an illness. But overeating is ignored as ‘fat shaming’ is not the done thing. It makes me very sad to watch my relative harming themselves like this.

Unfortunately (as seen in my 600lb life etc) the person has to want to change and it’s not like a drug addiction where you can complete give up the substance. Sometimes life without the food they love isn’t worth it. It’s hard to understand if you’ve never had a binge eating disorder. But yanbu for being concerned.

this lady knows she is very overweight but is choosing to ignore it. It could be a mental health issue. However, if you are only noticing this now you aren’t close to her. You haven’t spoken to her on the phone to hear the breathing, you haven’t seen her in person in years.

there is little you can do to help. I am sure she has seen a doctor at Some stage and been advised to lose weight. She has chosen not to.

unless you are very close I am not sure what you can do?

I have a roof friend who is morbidly obese. She knows she is. Gets ‘nagged’ by family, who speak to her as if she hasn’t noticed! This annoyed her and causes comfort eating - it’s a vicious circle. She needs counselling, not nagged by well meaning relatives. I suggested that once - she didn’t follow though - I have now dropped the subject.

Exactly, there’s something causing this addiction, but no one knows what it is. DH’s family are loving, but hopeless at emotional support. Since I’ve known them, they’ve always avoided mentioning anything upsetting so I doubt anyone has actually sat down with her and expressed their concern as they’re frightened she’ll cry, etc. I’m very aware that I’m a SIL who doesn’t see her regularly so it’s really not my place to do anything.

Re. Going to the doctor’s. I think something bad will have to happen before she gets medical advice. And I think it will as no one’s body can deal with the strain indefinitely.

It’s so sad, she played on a soccer team when I first knew her and was generally athletic. I have no idea what’s caused this. ☹️

@Stripedbag101 Absolutely, it’s definitely not my place to say anything. I’ve spoken to her over Zoom since the pandemic, but her breathing wasn’t as noticeable, it was only when I was sitting next to her on the sofa chatting that I realized that she wheezes now.

Her older sister, whom she’s v. close to, is the person who told me how worried she is and said that if I have any ideas on how to help her, please share them.