Donating eggs to another couple while going through fertility treatment. Any experience or views, need help with making a decision please.

[changer1]

I am a regular, but I have name changed for no other reason than I don't want my sister to be identified through me, iykwim, as she hasn't really told anyone in RL what she is going through.

My sister and her husband are having trouble conceiving, they have been on an NHS waiting list for treatment for almost 18 months, and every time they go for an appointment their estimated start date gets put back several months.

They are desperate for a baby, so have taken the decision to go private for the treatment, they have had an initial appointment at a fertility clinic and have been given a price of almost £5k. They have been told, however, if they donate eggs to another couple the cost would drop to £1.5k.

My sister is totally undecided over what to do and every time she thinks she has reached a decision she changes her mind again.

Firstly there is the cost, they are struggling to meet the £5k costs, and will only realistically be able to afford to have 1 attempt, but if they egg share and the procedure doesn't work first time (which I gather is highly likely) then they would be able to afford a few attempts for the price of 1.

My sister also likes the idea of being able to help another couple, as she knows how horrible it feels and how hard it is to not be able to to conceive and the heartbreak she feels every month.

The main thing that I think she is feeling a bit strange about is that if she donates her eggs, any child born from this would have a legal right at 18 to be able to contact her. I think both her and her DH are struggling with this idea a little.

Although, we have no idea how common it would be for children to try to contact the woman who donated eggs, although we are presuming less so than say children who were adopted etc?

I guess she is just looking to hear from anyone who has donated eggs and how they felt. I think she is also worried that if she gives some of her eggs away in her first session, rather than freeze them (her other option) then she is worried that she may not have as many eggs or good quality eggs next time (although I feel these worries are not based on fact as such, just her own personal feelings).

If anyone has any experience or thoughts to share we would be very grateful.

Thank you.

My SIL had this dilemma. She has no money. Could never go private. Nut was offered IVF if she donated eggs. She chose not to do it and to this day has no children. It looks unlikely (to me) that ever will have children. But, I think the idea of donating one's eggs and then haveing the treatment fail anyway could leave you in a position where someone else has your children and you still have none. And that is something I think I personally could not handle. I don't know if this is the reason she decided not to go ahead.

Oh good grief. I meant to type "But she was offered..." I so did not mean to call her a nut.

I presumed you meant but

Yes, I think this is something my sister has also considered, that the procedure wont have work for them, but somewhere there could be a child that isn't with her, who could theoretically turn up 18 years later.

Thanks for replying.

Hi there.
No direct experience of egg donation (unable to donate, otherwise would have!) but dh and I had to use a sperm donor so we could have our daughter. Lots of women do take part in the 'eggshare' scheme. I would agree that any child from an egg donor would not have the same issues ( e.g. why did mummy give me away?) as an adopted child, and could be less likely to 'turn up' on the doorstep, iykwim. Also bear in mind that parents that recieve donor eggs are NOT obliged to tell their offspring where they came from. Also, your sister could donate several times... and it may be that not one of those eggs ends up as a baby.
Given the odds, i would say 'be prepared just in case' but I would go for it. Fertility treatment is horrible (we're 5 year veterans !) and easing the financial burden and having an increased chance of conceiving is very tempting. Also, are they planning to 'tell' their child how they were conceived, and tell them of the possibility of brothers / sisters? My daughter has 9 half siblings as her donor father donated for many years (anonymously, so not donating anymore now)

XXXX

What eleusis said.

Wise words.

Hi changer1, I'm also a regular but have changed names to protect my LOs' privacy - though we have no secrets, they are very young and I would like them to have choices with regard to their own stories. Apologies in advance, this is going to be long

I had multiple miscarriages and a history of infertility following illness/treatment in my early 30s, and eventually (after years of thinking/talking about it) chose to attempt IVF using donated eggs. My first child was conceived using eggs given by an altruistic donor (not eggshare) before the laws changed regarding anonymity. I am sad for her, because she has no legal right to trace her donor and know more about her genetic heritage, should she choose to - but then again, given the nature of the donation, her donor may opt to be on the voluntary register in order to be 'findable'.

My second child was conceived using eggs given by an egg-share donor, which is what your sister would be if she chose to go ahead. She does have the right to trace her donor should she choose to.

They will both have my full support, whether they choose to or not - I believe some donor-conceived people feel they are missing information (and are curious about extended family, I should think) but probably at least the same amount are not curious at all. There is no knowing how the new laws will change things, its too soon - maybe more will want to know than before, maybe not. Either way, there's no way of predicting how any offspring (if there are any, no guarantees!) resulting from your sister's donation would feel.

In any case, I think the issues a grown child would bring, in their looking for a donor, would not be quite the same as the issues they would bring looking for their birth mother, so probably not really comparable.

I can't give you the feedback you're asking for, as I'm not a donor - but I can say, as a hugely grateful recipient, that it seems VERY important to me that donors are happy and at peace with their choice to give, before doing so. Your sister should be offered some counselling as part of the process to help her make her decision.

If she does decide to go ahead, I think it would be vital for her to be ok with the idea of an 18 year old wanting to know more about their genetic heritage one day - whether they contact her or not, she'll always know they might. FWIW, one of the many donors I spoke to during my years of indecision said she thought of the children conceived via her donations as sort of 'distant relatives': connected via DNA, but never having met or formed a relationship. For myself, my dds are just totally my dds....we just don't happen to share the same genes And if one day they want to find out where the other half of theirs came from, thats fine by me.

If your sister wants to talk to other eggshare donors, which I would probably do in her shoes, I would recommend checking out the CARE (clinic) website message boards, I don't have a link for you but if you Google it you should find it - probably be lots more info there for her than here, tbh. You could also check out the Donor Conception Network website at DCNetwork.org

Wishing her luck with her decision (my heart goes out to her, making ANY decision in the heartbreaking struggle IF brings is so stressful) and even more so with her dreams...I am so, so lucky that mine came true.

I think that it is probably worthwhile for your sister to take up the offer of counselling at her clinic so that she gets a chance to talk through all the issues.

As well as the issues around being unsuccessful whilst the donees are successful, I think that she should also consider the implications of genetic siblings for her own children if she is successful. It is not just a matter of someone looking up their gene pool in 18 years - her own children would probably have curiosity about who they might have been.

Thanks everyone for your input, especially mumenough, your post really touched me.

I think she will definitely take up any counselling that she will be offered, as she does realise that she still has a lot to consider.

To be honest it is more her DH that has the issues with any other children that would be conceived. But he carries about a huge amount of guilt and feel "responsible" for the fact that cannot have children, so I also think he would benefit a lot from some kind of counselling too. For the record my sister doesn't in any way "blame" him at all, but he does beat himself up over it.

I will pass on info of the boards mentioned, although as far as I know she is part of a few internet support groups, but I feel that sometimes they get her down quite a lot too, when she sees/hears of people who's stories she has been following who have been unsuccessful, but I guess that is sometimes the reality

Thanks again everyone for your thoughts, a lot to consider.

I wont go into my personal story but I would say that until you have been through your first attempt you really dont fully understand IVF and what it can do to you emotionally. I'm not trying to be patronising and maybe others disagree - but its my experience.

You also dont really know how well you will respond to the drugs and whether you will produce 2 eggs or 22. You dont have any feel for whether it will be successful and how gutted you will be if it is not. My instinct was that I could not bear the thought of not being a mum (if it failed) but there being a child of mine out there somewhere. I thought it could drive me crazy.

I would suggest going through at least one full cycle without donating. If it succeeds, great and maybe if there's lots of embryos then they could be frozen instead of donated (which is what would have happened to the eggs) and even if it does not succeed, implanting the frozen embryos for another attempt would not cost £5K. If that then fails then your sister would be in a more informed position to make an alternate decision about donating before saving and trying again later.

You dont say how old she is but presumably if she is able to donate she is young enough to have some time on her side to save further for cheaper attempts later on if necessary. You need some time between attempts in any case. Unfortunately it can seem like a very long road when you embark on this.

This is just my view and it is a personal decision which I understand can be very different for each person. Whatever she decides I hope it is successful for her.

Changer, not had any experience but just wanted to pick up on the point re the number of eggs.
You are born with all the eggs you will ever release in a lifetime, so the amount she has left is something that can be looked at if this helps her make the decision at all. Good luck to her

eorandpiglit, thanks, I very much agree with a lot of what you have said, and this is things my sister has said herself. Both her and her dh are very nervous and apprehensive about the whole process. She is worried about how all the drugs etc will effect her and they are both concerned about how they will deal with it, if they are unsuccessful.

It really isn't something that they are taking lightly.

My sister is almost 30, so she certainly does have time on her side.

Jackinski, I don't think that is something she is aware of, unless I have picked her up incorrectly (she obviously knows far more about the whole thing than me ) but I will mention it to her, thank you.

I looked into IVF with egg sharing last year. I would have been a donor. The London Womens Clinic ran free 2 hour sessions (conference type sessions comprising of approx 40 people as opposed to one to one) where they had fertilty experts, legal experts, previous donors, previous receipients speaking and I have to say I found the conference excellent, it told me everything I needed to know. There was also an opportunity to speak to whichever expert you wanted privately after the conference session so if you were embarassed to ask in public then you had an opportunity in private later. I don't know if they are still running these sessions but its worth phoning to ask if you are interested. There was certainly absolutely no obligation to proceed with anything if you didn't want to.

From a cost POV,if you agreed to become an egg sharer you had to undergo (either as a single lady or couple if married) an initial consulation with a fertility Consultant where they took (from the women only) blood tests to check your fertility hormone levels and checked you out for a number of potential illnesses, diseases and blood groups - you also had to have a scan to check your ovaries, tubes womb etc. You also had to be 34 years old or younger. Immediately afterwards you had to attend a session with a councellor and then a separate session with a legal expert whose job it was to ensure you fully understood all the potential emotional and legal aspects of donating. If you 'pass' all these then they accept you onto the scheme and all the IVF treatment, drugs and consultations are absolutely free. The initial consultation was also free as long as you had attended a conference. I don't know if its still all free so again a phone call would answer that.

The Lister Clinic in London also do the same as above, again last year it was all free for egg sharers - you'd have to check costs for 2008.

After attending both of the clinics and thoroughly researching egg sharing I agreed to go ahead with the treatment and was due to start at The Lister in Sept 07. I chose The Lister purely because the Company I work for have an office within a 5 min walk so it made parking in London easier for me during treatment) Out of the blue in August 07 I discovered I was pregnant so had to pull out of the scheme. I informed both clinics and the staff were absolutley delighted for me, I was very nervous when I phoned to tell them I was pregnant in case they thought I'd wasted their time (and money considering all the tests I'd had and counselling etc) but they were delighted for me. It did proove to me that you could pull out at any time without financial implications or emotional blackmail.

If your sister and her partner wanted to find out more about egg sharing I would strongly urge them to attend one of the free conferences (if they are still being run). They really did give me an absolutely clear picture of the pro's and cons, what to expect from the treatment, what was expected of me, legalities of the situation etc etc. That would help them decide whether the egg sharing option was for them or not.

HTH

Thanks pootlesmum and congratulations on your pregnancy.

The conferences you mention sound fantastic, sadly we are at the totally opposite end of the country, but I imagine they would be willing to travel to attend something like that, if that would be an option.

I will pass the information onto my sister and I guess she could phone and find out more information/cost and if there was a similar thing in other parts of the UK.

Thanks again.

i donated eggs 9 years ago after having an ectopic then twins a MC and then DS.
when i did it the rules were different and you couldn't be traced.
the couple that had my eggs had a baby girl to be honest i would have still done it even if you could be traced.

Hi Oj,
Just ran a search to find you, and here you are on a topic very clse to my heart! My trio are from donated eggs, and although I have not yet met my donor we keep in touch. She gave me my life back in a very big way, and I shall never ever be able to thank her enough. Hearing that you too have helped someone just makes me admire you more, you are a very special lady. xx

radio 4 womens hour have covered this topic recently.There's also a message board on the site.

thanks triplets, to be honest we were so grateful that we got to have any children that i just felt i had to do it to give someone else the chance.
i have three letters from the lady, one to say thankyou for the eggs one to say she was pregnant and one to say they had a baby girl, she sent chocolates flowers and champagne too
i had to go throu lots of therapy before i was allowed to donate and as i grew up in the care system i had no family medical history the year after i did it my girls were DX with autism then a year later so was DS, i did let the fertility clinic know as i could be sued if i passed on any condition/disabilities but only if i knew about it before hand.
i decided not to donate again. thou the clinic said it could do it again.