DW suffers from bulimia? - advice wanted

[NK65alot]

DH here for first posting so hope I get all the terminology right. DW has been going through PND - DS born 15 months ago - and is exhibiting all sorts of compulsive behavious.

First concern is she has put on a lot of weight. I know that is common but she never eats much when I am home. Based on the way food appears and disappears I suspect she goes through periods of eating lots then fasting. Other oddities include compulsive shopping for baby's clothes. OK this is from a charity shop but the house and loft are now full of bags of the stuff. DS never wears the same outfit twice! Last year it was garden plants. Bags and bags bought, planted and later dug up. When I confront her (try to be sensitive) she bursts into tears and runs away saying she doesn't want to discuss it. Ideas?

Is she getting any treatment for the PND?

Has she been diagnosed with PND? Is she being treated? If so, how?

Does she have a history of compulsive behaviour? Or eating problems?

I expect that when you ask her, even if you do it in the most sensitive way, she feels attacked. If she is doing something secretive, then she knows you are aware of it. That means she hasn't been as succesful with concealing it as she may have hoped to be and I suspect she feels embarrassed.

Is she on her own a lot? DO you eat meals together? Who cooks? Does she have any support, other than you?

And do you know that she suffers with Bulimia?

If she does, she is unlikely to put on weight.

Sorry for all the questions - am just trying to understand.

Bulimics can and do put on weight. there are all sorts of differing types of bulimia. I can't really offer any meaningful advice at the moment as I am heading out. I just wanted to offer my support and sympathy.

could you possibly mention this to the health visitor or your wife's gp?

I am sorry to hear this. It sounds as though there are some very deep issues that perhaps the PND/birth has brought to the surface in your poor wife.

If she is not receiving counselling I would strongly suggest it. These are not usual behaviours as you realise, and she needs some help to find her feet again.

It is not something you can 'treat' yourself though of course you can help her through it - but she will need some professional assistance to get to the bottom of it.

It's possible that it goes back a very long way, maybe to the way her own mother behaved when she was an infant...or it may be unrelated to her past and just something not quite right due to her depression.

Is your GP or Helath Visitor aware of what is happening? They would be able to refer for some counselling at least.

Many thanks for the support. I don't know if it is bulimia hence the "?"

So to expand a bit further; she is indeed on her own a lot, adores cooking and shopping for food. When we eat together she will often only eat a little and then pass the rest to me, which, as her cooking is so wonderful, I readily accept. Then there are usually loads of leftovers which disappear later. One reason why I hate to make food an issue is that our kitchen, is for me, food heaven.

On the whole we have a very close relationship and talk about many deep and intimate issues just that there do seem to be a couple of closed doors.

There is other help around, in particular a sister and I might enlist some help there. I recall the Health visitor warning of PND but doubt she or the GP is aware of all this. I'll need to think about that....Being a man I find it easy to fix cars and computers but struggle with all these psychological issues.

NK65alot, my mother was/is anorexic bulimic and I really struggled when my own dd was born with feelings of inadequacy, fear, resentment towards my own mother. Like Flightattendant suggests, becoming a mother can really stir things up and brings things out that you have preferred to push to one side.

When dd was about 18 months old, I finally realised that I needed support, and started having counselling.

I think the best thing you can do is acknowledge to your wife that you understand she is finding things difficult - you don't need to mention the specific food issues if you don't want to. Perhaps start with a more general conversation suggesting she talks to her health visitor. My HV was lovely, and encouraged me to talk to my GP as soon as I could.

Well done for the support you've given her so far - eating disorders are never easy to talk about, for anyone.

I tried SIL but she had already nagged DW about these things and then later it seems called DW to say "told you so, even your DH thinks you are a nutter"; not these exact words thankfully but something to that effect. As you can expect I got my head bitten off by DW for that!
Interestingly though something did get through since a pile of books on eating disorders has appeared from the library. She also revealed that for he past 6 weeks she had been on a course of accupuncture for the PND which she thought was working. Anyone tried accupuncture for this?

I think it's great you are posting. It does sound like she is unhappy and acting compulsively, whether or not it is full blown bulimia I couldn't possibly say... sounds like she could really do with some counselling, maybe also anti-depressants. Sometimes birth/motherhood can bring up all sorts of dormant issues.

Do you think she could/would explore either of these options further? do you have a nice GP?

First, NK, i think its great that you are on here for help in trying to support dw.

being formerly in a position as you describe (but the other way around), your support would be more helpful than anyone elses. please try to be as patient and persistent as possible, and understand that it is not easy to admit you have a problem, not easy to ask or seek help.

both pnd and bulimia are serious probelms, serious in the sense that, they requrie treatment in order to overcome.

something different will work for different people. i for one, tried many many forms of therapy, support groups, alternative treatment etc, and finally went on pills.

from my experience, if it looks and smells like an eating disorder, then it is one. the sooner you help your wife to get her to speak to you and get help, the easier it will be to make it better.

Thanks "Dontwantto..." I guess I was hoping someone like you would come along since the first step was always going to be for me to work out where to start. I think we are getting to the point where DW might be ready to admit she has a problem and of course that is a prerequisit to counselling etc. I am not happy at all with the idea of visiting her GP and talking to her behind DWs back. Do people really do that?
DW does know about the PND and the other week actually apologised to me for being so difficult over the past year