Fantasy Health Service. I want this...

[TheDuchessOfNorksBride]

a very plush hotel where I can have all my niggly problems dealt with in the comfort of my own room in ONE day. After breakfast, the dentist could fix my broken tooth, followed by the optician and then I could have my sciatica sorted out in time for lunch.

A nurse could wander in and update all my jabs and do a cervical smear, perhaps a mammagram too while they're about it. I could have my blood tested for iron deficiency and lastly have my broken veins whipped out followed by healthy dinner and a nice snooze.

And if Johnny Depp wants to dress up as Capt Jack Sparrow and read me bedtime stories, then I'll do my best to stay awake...

It's not an unreasonable request is it?

Presumably this is what healthcare is like for the Queen. (Though she may have someone other than Johnny Depp for the bedtime stories.)

Sounds a much more sensible system to me.

Hmmm.....fantasy hospital birth experience..

A bit of common courtesy/basic humanity would have been nice

perhaps fewer downright cruel and abusive remarks

not to have been carved up like a pig on a butcher's slab with no anaesthetic

for the consultant to have at least made eye contact and acknowledged me before shoving his meaty paw up me and ripping me a new arsehole

not to have been mistakenly given a drug that nearly killed me and then blatantly lied to

some offer of tea/other basic sustenance for my husband, or at least a CHAIR for him, during 24 hours of blood-curdling gory botched childbirth

not to have had abusive and untrue remarks made about me in my bay's intensive care notes

GOD I am picky

greeny - how bloody awful for you. I imagine such a well-run hospital didn't give much shrift to your complaints afterwards either?

Even your bog standard NHS hospital stay, augmented with bedime story from Johnny Depp dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow would be an improvement

I wouldn't mind quite so much having to beg a midwife for a maternity towel or having my blood pressure medication tinkered with by newly qualified doctors who really honestly knew fuck all, necessitating a catheter, 3 drips spread over both hands and 2 days flat on my back in an airless thinking I was going to die, if I knew I was going to get Johnny at the end of it