Mum diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, my life has been turned upside down

[MrsDoubtfired]

My mum went into hospital 3 weeks ago with what we thought was a gall stone flare up.
4 days later she had a stage 4 cancer diagnosis.
my husband has been off sick for the last 2 years with an undiagnosed gastric ‘issue’ (he is 5ft 11 and 8 stone)
im living in a village that we moved to 10 years ago and I have no friends.
Luckily mum lives locally so I’ve been able to see her.

I’ve been talking to friends online but it’s just not the same, are there any other people out there in my situation who may have advice on how I can get through this?

I feel absolutely exhausted, so I’m sorry if I don’t respond this evening, I’m not posting and running, I’m just posting and try8ng to get some sleep xxx

I recently nursed my husband through cancer and a stroke. I found the hospice were brilliant as were a local cancer charity who were there to listen and advise when they could. I have heard people speak well of Macmillan but we didn't have much luck with them but Marie Curie were helpful. It's a very lonely place to be , PM me if it helps.

Don’t really have any advice OP but sending you a massive handhold. I am so sorry you are all going through this 💐

Similar happened to my mum in 2020 at the peak of lockdown. My heart goes out to you. We did manage to get her out of hospital and she died at home 8 says later.
My sister, dd and I were utterly exhausted so I can totally relate. Hospice at Home and Marie Curie Care were the best sources of support. Macmillan were hopeless but that might depend on area.
My mum didn't want any visitors either so we were fending off insistent visitors as well.
Look after yourself, remember you can't go under so don't forget that.

So sorry to hear this OP. My Dad was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer. It's such a shock isn't it!! The news blindsided us. A few weeks on and we are coming to terms with it.

Just give yourself a bit of time. Understandably you are panicking about the thought of being alone/lonely when your mother is no longer with you. Try not to focus on this right now and just try to process the news. Now isn't the time to make hasty decisions.

I would pop into your local Macmillan team when you next visit hospital. They will be a great support in terms of advice to help your mother, but you may also find that it helps to talk to them/get support yourself.

Do you work? Do you have any friends at all or do you mean no local friends? Do you have any hobbies or interests? I'm a sahm, who also has a husband with some health issues. I found it very hard to cope with the news, but have been phoning an old friend for support once a week and have joined a yoga class once a week which has helped. I've also enrolled on a six week art course (2 hrs a week)for relaxation. The calm app is good. They have a good meditation for dealing with change. I have a Bluetooth sleep mask so that I can drift off listening to sleep stories and an aromatherapy mist diffuser. A good book helps at night too - something easy and a bit silly. Other things that have helped me are gardening, preparing a meal from scratch, having relaxation music on in the background all day and going swimming or for walks. None of these things appeared to help much at first (apart from the book and sleep mask/calm app). But by sticking with the yoga and gentle exercise, i feel as though, a few weeks down the track, it is helping me. Also, if a local group doesn't exist and you feel lonely, then set one up yourself. I have done this several times now, only to discover so many people locally in the same boat and have made some good friends through instigating a local meet up group. I guarantee you that there will be lots of others in exactly the same position as you. It will get a bit easier..xx

I'm sorry you are going through this.

In June 2020 my stepdad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, he was given 3 months to live, hes still going strong and amazes us all every day. A month later my son was diagnosed with crohns and a few months after that my mum with breast cancer. It was such a stressful time with so many appointments. I live in a different city so was travelling up and down the motorway to make sure we were with them at every appointment and every step of the way. It was a very hard and isolating time. I was paranoid of even speaking to the postman incase I caught covid and passed it on to them.

We found macmillian to be ok if you rang them for a question etc but not really much support as they were not routinely doing visits and tbh they kind of felt forgotten about. The actual medical care they have both recoeved has been fantastic and they are thankfully both doing well.

I don't really have any advice other than just think about one day, one appointment, or one test at a time. Try and not think beyond that, well i didn't as I am sure I would have had a breakdown!

Remember to think about yourself and have some time for yourself, even if you grab a coffee and sit in the car for 5mins, just anything where you can give your brain a time to not think of anything.

If anyone offers help, take it or ask for favours if you can.

Sending big hugs to you and your family, but you have got this its hard and emotionally draining. Pm me if you want xx

Fuck, I replied and my chuffing browser lost it.
Thank you all for replying to me, it means so much xxxxx

Sending heartfelt wishes op. My mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer that had spread last September. She went into hospital because her hb levels were so low following a routine blood test. We had support from district nurses & hospice at home team, who were amazing during the last week of her life. Just live every day as it comes & make the most of every moment, it becomes easier to share your thoughts & say what is in your heart, also for your mum to talk about her wishes,. Take support from whoever offers, be kind to yourself & try to make time to do something for you if possible. It's hard but you will get through it. Thoughts to you & your family..💐

I'm so sorry to hear this. What devastating news. Thoughts are with you ❤️

How rotten for your mother and also for you. It’s not easy being the main person who has to support a person with cancer. ( I found Macmillan no help at all, unfortunately - after years and years of eating cake at their coffee mornings!!!). Try to find a friend or two you can phone up or a support group to attend so you can sound off and cry at every now and again. You will be surprised by who steps up - not the people you would think - and you will also be surprised by who doesn’t.