Why am I feeling sad when I've just had all clear after previous cancer?

[Moppincraxy]

I had breast cancer last year, single mastectomy etc. Just been back for a yearly check up, mammogram, MRI, ultrasound, all clear. Why do I feel so sad, exhausted and upset? I should be feeling happy and relieved shouldn't I?

I think it doesn't help that my cancer was occult so didn't show up on mammogram etc last year, it was only found by chance on a biopsy for a benign cyst. So I was warned that the tests/scans are never 100% accurate.

I think part of me wanted there to be something suspicious so I could have the other breast removed and then stop worrying about it. I feel like this is a really weird reaction! I suppose it's just that I'm struggling with the fact that there's no real way of knowing that I'm 100% cancer free and am exhausted of living with that.

Not really sure what I'm asking here, just wanted to get my thoughts down. I think it didn't help that a lot of friends were not as supportive as I had assumed they would be and feeling kind of alone in my thoughts.

It's a huge, scary, lifechanging event that you've been through, alot of it alone, and now, while presumably you've put your whole life on hold dealing with the cancer - Done all the right things and expected nothing but the worst, and then the cancer doesn't show.

It's tongue in cheek, but how bloody rude of cancer - shows up, changes everything, then buggers off then to show up at a moments notice and shove your life into turmoil again.

I would completely understand you feeling sad, because it sounds like you want this to be finally over, and you're in the process of coming to terms with the fact that it will always be looming there.

Your friends might not be the best support in this stage, but are there any local support groups for those at a similar point with breast cancer? Or have you tried speaking with macmillan? Maybe talking things through with a councellor would help to understand these feelings.

There are all sorts of emotions going on Moppincraxy and although your friends cared, they perhaps couldn't cope with the diagnosis. In a sense it's the end of a little era for you and a loss of the routine when you had to visit the clinic regularly - now that's at an end, so what else will you do with your time? I recall being glad I didn't have to go there any more but felt a little adrift.

Also, the nursing staff obviously cared for you and that's a nice feeling, even though they were paid to do so. Now you must stand on your own two feet a bit more which is good but a little unsettling too.

I'd say try to concentrate on the good things about your life, of which I'm sure there are plenty. Give yourself little treats like a new lipstick or whatever makes you happy. Then get on with the rest of your life,

It's quite common, a natural reaction to cancer and treatment. It's a very stressful experience.

In terms of feeling 'safe,' the longer time passes I imagine the safer you'll feel.

It’s this Id imagine. That feeling of being on your own after having intense focus for a long time. And the routine.
I recognise the feeling.