I really don't know what to do.

[madmommy6]

Not sure if anybody can remember me posting about friend with cancer here
I have been abit worried lately that he wasn't telling us everything.But he kept on he was fine and everything was ok.Well i spoke to his wife sunday and she said he wasn't well,he had fluid on his left lung.He went in yesterday to have it drained away.Of curse i didn't think that was right but both said it wasn't the cancer.Anyway just spoke to his wife again and she has told me it is the cancer and we don't know half of it.They have both been telling people the cancer has gone but now i don't think it has.They don't what their children to know.I have told her she can tell me anything and it won't go any further,but i feel so hopeless.
I really don't know what to do,what with my dd and now this.I really think he isn't going to make it for much longer.

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going though with this. I'm a cancer nurse, and unfortunately, to me it doesn't sound good at all. I would imagine that he has got metastases (secondaries) in his lung and/or the fluid surrounding them.

Given his original prognosis, I would imagine there are limited options available to him regarding treatment.

They really need to think about the children and how/what to tell them. What age are they? Children are extremely perceptive and will quickly realise that something's not right. They need honesty and children who were not spoken to honestly can resent this years later to the point of it affecting their relationship with the other parent. There are people who can help tell the children. Does he have a MacMillan nurse?She/he will provide support to the whole family, not just the person with cancer.

Hi madamy thanks for the reply.Their children are grown up the youngest is 20yr.But they have had a bad few years.Oldest lost her husband suddenly just over 2yrs ago while she was pregant.So i think they are trying to protect them.Which i know won't help in the long run,but how can i convince them that they need to tell them.
Looking back now i think even me and dh have closed our eyes to alot of things.Goodness knows why we belived the cancer had gone,i really think its gone to far for that.I'm sure they said in the begining that it had spread to his left lung,but they didn't want anybody eles to know.

Can you stress to them how important it will be for your friend to have the love and support of her children in the future.

Also, that they need to have time to come to terms with their father's prognosis so they can plan the remainder of their time with him. Their eldest has already lost a loved one suddenly, if she's not aware of how poorly her dad is, she could face the prospect of 2 sudden deaths within a couple of years.

madamy I totally agree with you.Hopefully his wife will now open up to me and tell me everything.To make things worse he was her full time carer because she is disabled.I think they just don't want to put on anybody.
I think i'm going to be very open about thing and ask out right what really is happeing.
She did say this morning that consultant was trying to get him on a new trail which starts in 3 weeks.

Just finished talking to his wife on the phone.I think she is in denial,but she has said the cancer is still there.Surely if he has got it on his left lung as well there isn't alot that can be done.All she keeps says is the consultant is trying to get him on a new trail.
How can i convice them to tell their children?I have even thought about telling the oldest daughter myself but don't really want to go behind their backs.

what an awful situation to be in. i think you need to go and see them (if you can) and be honest and frank with them and hope they then tell their children. i dont think it is your place to tell the kids though.

cx

How sad. But you can't tell the daughter - I know your intentions are good but it is really not your place. It sounds to me like your friends are in denial themselves. Maybe they don't want to face up to how bad it is. Maybe he is protecting his wife a bit but knows himself.

All you can do is stay in touch and help out where necessary.

I know i can't really tell their children(who are all grown up) without their say so,but i'm at a loss about how i can help.We were the first ones they told about the cancer in the first place,but now i feel like they are closing down rather than opening up.I know its up to them how they deal with this,but when the worst happens she is going to have to deal with everything on her own.They really need to start sorting thing out.She is disabled and needs help,she can't even pick a kettle up.
I think i just need to write this down because i can't say it out load.And i think i'm feeling abit guilty not seeing what was really happening.It makes my own problems seem so small.

Dh has been to see friend this afternoon and brought his wife down for abit.She said they aren't having any help at the moment from macmillan or their children.In fact she is having to look after her dgs tomorrow while dd is at work.She has been crying saying she doesn't know how much more she can take.They have a hospital appointment next monday.She said if that isn't good news then she will tell the children.
I'm sure it won't be good news because she said today it had spread to his lung and they had to drain 2l of fluid off last week.He isn't eating,just sitting on the sofa.Dh said he looked very ill,and i can't go and see him because i have a cold

Dh is taking his mate and wife to the hospital.They have an appointment at 11am to see the consultant.They both want dh to go in with them so they don't miss/forget anything.I'm shaking,i'm that worried.He hasn't been out the house for 4 weeks,which is not like him.He usally goes for a walk 3 or 4 times aday.I have this feeling that he will be kept in,he looks so poorly.

They have now told their children but i think they are in denial.

They got back at 2,dh has now took them home.Tomorrow he has got to go in hospital and have a line in for the chemo.From what i understand this is so he can have the chemo without stopping in for 5 days at a time,like he had to last time.