Advice please - sister's health

[Clariana]

Hello, I am after some opinions and advice please about my sister, this may be long so apologies in advance!

My sister is 60 and single, she is an alcoholic, but after a severe episode in 2006 when she stopped drinking suddenly and was hospitalised with fits and hallucinations, I don't think she has drunk alcohol since (although I could be wrong).

She has not worked since 2006, does not claim benefits as my parents in their 90s now have supported her and does not have any kind of social life. She has no mobile phone, no computer and does not know how to use these.

Now the problem, she says she cannot walk and faints regularly thus she does not go out of the house / garden, my mum food shops for her. Her house / garden are like the worst thing you would see on a programme about hoarders and not maintained at all. She certainly appears depressed, but will not go to the doctor, she hasn't been since 2010, as she says she was fobbed off by them then so she won't go back.

I have tried to support her to make an appointment, said I will make one for her, said I will go with her, but she will not, today I raised it again and she said if I did not stop bullying her then she would start screaming and not stop until I left.

My parents are too old for this responsibility now, and I don't know what to do to make any progress with this. Thank you if you have read this far, and I would welcome any advice!

You need to make a safeguarding referral via adult social care

@Spud1130

Thank you, shows how not clued up I am, I thought safeguarding was just about children! I will look it up on the internet....

Safeguarding protects children and vulnerable adults who are at risk of harm, abuse or neglect. Hopefully they take it seriously, emphasise that her carer is a 90 year old who can no longer cope.

ps I think my phone just had a moment and I accidentally reported your post with my reply 🤦‍♀️ sorry @MNHQ !

You can lead a horse to water…

Ie. If she doesn’t want to be helped, then she won’t be. You can give her all the advice in the world, but it’s up to her to act on it.

Good shout about adult social services.

Thank you, yes I have looked up adult safeguarding now (who knew!) and I think it is definitely a fit. The trouble is for me if I make the call she will never forgive me, but that may be a price I have to pay.

You can ask them to keep it anonymous although it doesn't sound like your relationship is the best currently though?

sadly your discription of your sister sounds exactly like my brothers condition when he hit end stage alcholism. He was very VERY good at hiding how much he was really drinking. He would not engage, expected our parents to constantly help, bail him out and give him money for xyz. As he hit the end his ability to walk was affected by his drinking as it damaged nerves. He was falling [ahem that may be what your sister means by ‘faints’ as a more exceptable excuse for falls]

No matter how much you want to help she may have gone past the stage of being able to work with any help offered. Slow death by alcohol is horrible. Few who hit the end stage will work with help. I paid for my brothers two weeks in private detox. As soon as he had detoxed within minutes he left the clinic walked into the nearest off-licence and got very very drunk. He also wanted em to sue the clinic on his behalf ‘for failing to stop me’.

In all honesty it is your parents who most need your support. Given their age do flag all this with adult social services. When my parents both died I discovered with horror just how much money my brother had been bleeding them both dry of by bullying, manipulation and trying to gain access to their bank accounts. Any potential elder financial abuse is something you should report to adult social services.

I wish I could offer you hope but my brother died from liver and then the cascade of organ failure that followed. Nothing anyone could do as he had worked so hard to keep drinking hard all his life.

It might be worth seeking support from one of the groups that offers support to the families of alcoholics. I did not need to as I could enforce my boundaries and went low contact. Once my brother worked out I would not give him any additional money he would not communicate. The final stage of alcholism is like watching an unfurling slow car crash that you know will end in death and you know you cannot do anything to stop happening.