Hi everyone,
I'm an emotional wreck these days. I've lost both of my lovely parents in the last 7 years. Then, in Jan I got ill and eventually found out this is because I have a premalignant, massive tumour growing on my pancreas. I've had to stop working because it's causing bad symptoms (breathlessness, stomach pain, dizziness, exhaustion). This has made me feel like a failure. I love my job (teaching) but just can't do it right now. The GP just signed me off, told me 'You need to spend time with your family. ' Some friends tell me be positive because it's not cancer, and I agree and feel very grateful it was found when it was, but I'm still terrified about losing half my pancreas and my spleen. I also have PCOS that causes major hirsutism and am distraught as after my splenectomy I'll have to take daily antibiotics forever and this means I can't have laser treatment for my facial hair, which is awful if left unlasered. I'm also petrified I'll get diabetes now, both parents had it and it wrecked their health so much. Today my symptoms were horrendous and I couldn't do much. I was looking after dd alone who is 10. I felt so bad, I couldn't do much with her today, just Ieft her to do craft etc in living room while I rested. I feel so useless and angry at myself. Dh was at work. He is kind and a great Dad to our dd but I'm worried dd will give him a tough time when I'm in hospital (could be there upto 2 weeks), as she's already being cheeky and proper tweenage mood swings and defiance going on. Today was a bad day and hopefully tomorrow will be better but I'm feeling so sad about everything. Doctors are saying this tumour is just bad luck and it's not my fault I've got it, but I have a high BMI and just feel so angry at myself about it. I walk everyday now and am not snacking in between meals anymore. I now need to work on smaller portion sizes and better food choices in my meals (which are healthy in the main, but I think my portions are the issue). I think I'm just tired and after having 4 vaccines the last fortnight and ongoing nausea caused by this tumour. I don't want this surgery as it's major but I have to, I've got no choice. I'm scared though and just want my life back. Sorry to moan x Just petrified. Thank you for listening x Am correctly on anti depressants and seeing psychologist at hospital on Tues, to discuss these issues.