Hope counselling and / or meds will help AFB As you go on you do get more used to accepting your future even if it isn't the one you imagined you would have and I think the younger you are now the harder it is to adjust.
I do not fear death as I won't be around then and if I had been born 100 years ago its all my life expectancy would have been if die in next 5 years or so (only 10% chance of that) and done what I wanted work wise and travelled a lot. I would just be worried for the kids esp my one with SN. My worry is always much more being in treatment, poor health, being dependent on people and will those people be around later. But worrying about that all the time just ruins the time you have got so its best when you can just take it day by day, stage by stage when bad, do nice things when you can like days out and holidays so you realise every day isn't rubbish and you have something to look forward to, get the best treatment you can, I also like to research it and get as many facts as possible though others are the opposite but in breast cancer there is a free online predict breast model the NHS use which gives you survival stats based on your data which I found useful. Mine is about 30% chance of being dead in 10 years and more 50%-50% for 15, but 15 year data is old and things improve all the time. But it is odd not knowing will you be someone who is very lucky as has normal survival or will you be very unlucky and die within 5 years. I tend to think I will be around the average, as I am normal weight and also medicine does improve so hopefully will be more than 15 years but already that would take me to 63 which would be enough even for SN child. I have made a will which helped me feel I had covered helping those left behind if the worst happens, still have to get it witnessed though but that seems very final but on my to do list. People cope in different ways, and also depends on your age, family, income, prognosis etc as well as personality. But you have to find what works for you, its worth noting when you feel better and when you feel worse.
I also had mastectomy as outpatient and was thrown out in a wheelchair with no painkillers by a lovely nurse on her 13th hour half dead on a Friday night with instructions to call A&E if an issue over the weekend. The actual operation was fine and was at a small hospital as my one was at full capacity but preferred small one. Thankfully I had no complications but it wasn't the NHSs finest hour. There was also no warning no painkillers and they just said to stop at a late night chemist on way back. Thankfully we had some paracetamol in. Get paracetamol and ibuprofen in advance and lots of cushions. My second op hospital was full again and was moved to small hospital again but consultant got covid so cancelled last minute and was very lucky moved to private on NHS. That was much nicer in own room, own bathroom, lots of nurses, lovely food, kept overnight, surgeon visited multiple times and a carrier bag full of meds, was like staying in a hotel and would happily have stayed there longer. But even there was hard to sleep at night and advantage of going home is its quieter. You do need someone with you for 24 hours or so minimum and if you don't have that let them know and they do keep some people in. I did not have a drain in which I preferred but you only know when wake up and had 1 mastectomy with snb first time no reconstruction, recovery was fine, do the exercises, in a bit of pain for a week and needed to rest but not too bad. Second was full node clearance, more pain than before but again around a week of rest then OK. And phone with any issues. I would personally avoid A&E its horrendous unless no alternative. But its quite rare to need A&E. Its mainly just painkillers, rest and arm exercises you need and maybe fluid draining but that takes 2 minutes or so if need to go in, I did not have drain though. The surgery was a lot better than expected.
Bill and Ben - the special holiday sounds lovely and will be fine from surgery then. I would let hospital know so they can plan around it. But I have been away once in chemo so its possible even in chemo. though was UK based and they said no to abroad. So abroad would be before or after but after you can have issues with insurance and needs to be after radio too. But hopefully you won't need chemo. You definitely should take all the holidays you can.
I have been given a week in a Cornish holiday cottage mid July by SomethingToLookForward to the charity, so lucky to get that. Its worth looking on there especially if you have a bad diagnosis, kids, decreased income as you are prioritised. You can apply during treatment or up to a year after. They do things like meals out as well or a night at a hotel and a meal. Love that charity, its my favourite cancer one. I really need the little breaks to keep me going. It was funny going to chemo on Monday, there was a lady doing her first quizzing me for advice as I had the coolbox and she wanted to know all about it, lovely to chat to her, my husband heard us and thought we were old friends but first time we had met. Felt a bit sorry for her though as lady next to her one side was having a bad reaction to first Pax and emergency doctors called out and other side was a lady snoring very loudly with an interpreter. Its quite rare to have a bad reaction like that to Pax, only seen one other emergency in there so far though that was worse as there were no beds anywhere in the hospital. Though you often see emergencies coming in but not in chemo room whilst being treated. Much better on lower steroids. Half term break from GCSEs phew. Going well and this week sorting DDs room as that what she wants as well as Mr Floof and 2 more floofy silkies. Cleaner was great, definitely recommend getting one off cleaners, we had them twice now and makes a difference.
Love to everyone.