My Grandma is going into a care home - hand hold please

[Purpleseaside]

My Grandma and I are very close (I'm 27, she's 89). She was very active and very social before covid lockdowns began, good health and good spirit - living alone but nearby.

Over the past year, since all of her activities stopped and she was shielding at home, things have gone downhill. Six months ago she moved into my parents house after many falls. Over the last few weeks she has gone a lot worse, water retention and heart failure...leading her to be admitted to hospital last week. It was very worrying, however yesterday they said she had turned a corner and would be coming home tomorrow. They gave her lots of various drips and medicine etc to get her levels back to normal.

Unfortunately, this evening I had a call from my mother who said that the Dr called her a few hours ago to say she was incontinent and the nurses themselves were struggling to look after her, and said my mother wouldn't be able to care for her as constant medical care was required. She is on an urgent list to go into a care home - 99% certain she will be going tomorrow. I'm in so much shock, devastated and heartbroken. My parents are fortunate to be able to afford somewhere nice, but I'm so scared of visiting a care home because I'm such an empath and so worried that my Grandma is scared and upset. My heart is breaking I'm in so much shock . I just want her to be home with us again.

Aww I am so sorry that you're going through this. I had pretty much the same story with my Grandparent earlier on this year. I know the thought of your loved one going into a home feels horrible and the guilt is real. It will get easier though and you will both adapt. It sounds like she's going to be going into a nice home which will probably have lots of activities, this means she can socialise again and she would never need to eat another meal alone if she doesn't want to. Care homes are not the 'old people's home' that they used to be, they can be great and have a real sense of community. I hope all goes well for you all and that your Grandma settles in well.

I have been a volunteer in a care home: I am sure your parents will look up how to chose a good one, read CQC reports etc and I would suggest they visit and speak to residents before deciding on a permanent place. I was amazed at the love, fun and affection between staff and residents, they really are like family, residents are never lonely, unlike many elderly people living on their own. The ladies also liked it when they are reminded they didn't have to cook, do the dishes, laundry etc and that always raised a smile. A good home will have an activity worker who should take time to find out what your grandma likes and plan a way to include it. Lots of conversations between residents are about times early in their life: going to dance halls, rationing etc and they enjoy being with their peers. Honestly, you can visit as much as you wish, make her room very personal and it may be that your grandma settles in very quickly- I have seen that even during covid it can be very positive. It may be best for your mum and dad to know she is there being cared for 24/7 and I hope the staff can reassure you all.

My mum went into a home last year in lockdown. She is quite a bit younger than your gran but has dementia.
I can say that although it wasn't an easy choice it was a good one. She is generally very happy there, she likes the attention, the new friends and the staff are extremely lovely. They are also able to care for her needs in a way we couldn't.
She loves her room and the gardens and has a new best friend. We know she is safe and comfortable.
I know it's an extremely hard step but it can be positive too.

She is fortunate that your parents can afford to ensure that she goes to a good care home. To be honest, you'll probably find that after the initial settling-in period, your Grandma will thrive in there. They are not all doom and gloom by any means - there are always things going on, people who care, people who come to entertain and spread some happiness. Grandma will be well fed, she won't have falls , and she'll be comfortable.

Just as an aside, I'd try to stop thinking I'm so scared of visiting a care home because I'm such an empath , this isn't helpful at all. She needs you to come along and be cheerful, take her some treats or little gifts to spoil her. Don't assume that she is going to be miserable, she might well be relieved that she is not going to be a burden on anyone .

I've worked in many care homes, and the thing that people say the most is " I wish I'd come here sooner, I didn't realise how nice it would be". Work on the assumption that she'll feel like that too - put on your happy face and go to visit her with a big smile and a bag of treats . She'll be fine and so will you.