Lifestyle change and impact on marriage

[Elderpower]

I was diagnosed with an autoimmune condition 2 years ago and have become fascinated by health ever since.

I've read and consumed a lot of information and I'm now ready to make some drastic lifestyle changes. This includes yoga, a whole food plant based diet, exercise and meditation. I've been doing bits of all of these but now feel ready to embrace everything to improve my condition, my overall health and reduce my BMI.

The trouble is that my husband is very much the opposite. Last night, we visited friends at their house for the evening for a meal with our children. There was alcohol there and he had 9 drinks. It was excessive. He drank more than anyone there and takes it too far. He laughs about me doing meditation and yoga, thinks it's all a load of rubbish. I mention the whole food, plants diet and he scoffs at me and says I won't be able to keep it up "don't expect me to do do it!" He'll say.

We've talked honestly about this. I just don't see how our two lives are going to be compatible anymore as I take on this new lifestyle. Infact, I would say he's the primary reason that I haven't fully embraced it yet.

He's stubborn with his unhealthy ways and will joke about his dedication to large, excessive helpings of refined carbohydrates and red meat like he's proud of it. He is also very overweight and unhealthy so it's not exactly funny.

When we met, I was a bit wild and enjoyed getting drunk and eating greasy hangover food. Since having DCs I don't do that anymore, but could be healthier and have been diagnosed with this health condition which has many debilitating side effects. I really want to so this and I'm finding that I feel so much lighter and more grounded when I'm following a healthier lifestyle. But my marriage will not survive it I don't think. We're poles apart if I go down this route and I also worry that he will hold me back.

Any thoughts?

I have had a similar issue. Start your journey on your own, and stay focused on you and your health. As much as you would like your husband to be healthier, if he isn't interested, he isn't going to change his lifestyle. The best thing you can do is to lead by example. You might find that he makes some changes later on, even if it's not to the same extent as you.

I was diagnosed with T2 diabetes about 10 years ago, and have radically overhauled my diet and lifestyle.

DH isn't ageing well - he's 10 years older and has got multiple (and constantly appearing) health issues. None of which are helped by his diet..... I make really healthy meals; we have an organic fruit and veg box delivered, and we don't drink. But he buys a never ending amount of crap.... crisps, chocolate, cakes........ and that's on him. It's him that suffers, not me and as it was making me so stressed I've just completely stopped moaning and nagging him.

It's my choice to be the best version of myself I can be for our DC and grandkids........ his choice is to be eating himself into an early grave

I've also been pondering this. Dp is v overweight and has a massive belly now - someone actually joked and said 'when's it due' when we were out walking last night. I am trying to be healthy but I'm really struggling as he's buying so much crap food and filling the fridge with chocolate and ice cream so the temptation is always there.

I agree with @BrilloPaddy - start down your own path. I always say to myself 'I'm not his mother' so if he chooses to eat and drink himself to an early grave, then as sad as it may sound, it's his choice.

I agree it may set you on different paths but focus on yourself. At some point he's likely to have a major health scare and that may just be the trigger for him to join you being more healthy!

(It is also tricky that we all began life together being more unhealthy so chances are you weren't going to start being healthy at the same time!)

Thanks everyone for understanding!

I could definitely just go it without him, but I don't think he'll eat the meals I prepare and will sulk etc. I've just been planning our meals for this week and he said "what vegan-type wonders do we have to look forward to this week then?!"

He's also very fussy and will add refined carbs like frozen chips and hunks of bread to the meals I prepare which only leads to the DCs eating unhealthily too when I've gone and prepared a healthy meal!

It also effects me.
I'm so easily influenced by his choices 😔. I wish I could be stronger.

Is there any compromising either of you could do? If I was on my own I would eat a completely vegetarian diet, whereas DP would eat meat for every meal. We meet in the middle with about 50/50, and often have slightly different meals (eg, sausages and mash, with me having veggie sausages). Similarly DP would have cake/pudding after dinner every day, but we keep it to weekends only unless it’s a special occasion. Both of us are WFH at the moment, and DP is a big snacker/grazer, whereas I am a meals only type person. He knows not to offer me a biscuit or whatever because while I wouldn’t think to go and get one myself, I am likely to mindlessly eat it if it’s handed to me!

Has it affected the way you feel about him @brillopaddy ?

I had gestational diabetes so I really relate to what you're saying about your own health. I was told I had a high chance of developinf T2 later on. I'm almost pre-diabetic according to blood tests.

His Dad has T2, his mum has had weight issues all her life and eventually went under the knife. I'm finding it difficult to respect jis choices when it's glaringly obvious that he too needs to be healthier.

It's made me dislike him quite a lot. But then, I am the one who has changed. Can I really expect the same of him?

It seems a common occurance that if one partner gets fit &/or well that it highlights differences. Both at the gym & with various things related to weight loss, partners sabotaging change was discussed as a barrier or obstacle, that caused issues.

Don't think it gets better, as he will probably end up prematurely ill.

It's made me really worried tbh that at some point, I'll become his carer. And I'm not sure if it's a role I'm prepared to take on, given that he's the one who has made the choice to live this way.

It's not easy, watching someone you love make poor choice after poor choice

This must be very difficult and upsetting OP. I have completely overhauled my health and lifestyle in the last year in pretty much the way you plan to - yoga, whole foods, massive reduction in alcohol, low carb / anti-inflammatory diet etc.

I've lost 15kg and am slimmer and fitter than I've been since I was about 19 (20 years ago).

I had the motivation because I was getting symptoms of an auto-immune condition. My husband has MS and has made the same changes as me, with similar results.

He's also had some embarrassing nights of drinking too much recently and has resolved not to binge drink anymore.

It would have been impossible for me to make these changes without him, as we've been able to support each other. I don't know if I could stand it in your situation. Though it sounds like he might get his wake-up call at some point.

With all due respect, you've spent two years reading up and are now planning to make changes, but you haven't actually made them yet? It seems a little bit like you're using your husband's behaviour as an excuse for not adjusting your own. If you'd made the changes and a year in he was actually sabotaging I'd say you have a point. But you don't actually know yet. Why don't you get cracking and be a positive role model and see what actually happens?

I have "got cracking" @mn753 and am already incorporating much of this into my life. Its a massive lifestyle overhaul, in an environment which fosters the opposite and I've been taking small steps in the right direction.

I don't think your criticism of not doing everything straight away is called for at all.

Also, psychologically, we are hugely impacted by outside influences, we are mammals who impact each other's behaviours, not islands. Making lifestyle changes against what is the norm is extremely difficult. Dr Chatterjee talks a lot about this in his podcasts about health and wellbeing and understanding why the choices we make, often aren't choices but humans surviving in response to our surroundings. It is entirely normal. I can highly recommend his podcasts to help you with your outlook.

Fine it's impossible then, I retract my comment