Feeling on edge all the time

[QuestionableDanceMoves]

Wasn’t really sure where to post this so hopefully this is the right place.
I am constantly on edge, never feel relaxed, struggle to fall asleep and then wake up at 5:30 on the dot so feel permanently exhausted.
In the last 5 years my husband had an affair, then assaulted me in front of our kids, we got divorced, he took me to court for access to the kids as social services had stopped him- court lasted 2 years- once we’d got contact agreed he lasted just over a month before cutting all contact, then he changed his mind a few months later so we’ve had another 18 months or so of him and his new wife being abusive to me because I keep telling him to go back to court to get a new plan agreed and he won’t (I’m paraphrasing it all so this post isn’t an hour long read) , I got made redundant from a job I adored and am now struggling to find a new job so money is ridiculously tight, I have very few friends, family are all miles away, I’ve gained almost 3 stone in the last year despite already being obese.
I can’t move though, I feel stuck and overwhelmed all the time. I drop my daughter at school and I come home and I sit only moving to get food I don’t need and don’t want but it’s all I have.
If a car comes down our cul de sac that I don’t know, or someone knocks on the door I’m always convinced it’s my exhusband and my heart starts racing
I cry at the smallest of things on tv but feel numb day to day
I love my kids but I hate my life, it’s not what I wanted or had planned and every single day is a struggle to get to bedtime.
I’ve tried talking to the dr but all they want to discuss is my weight. I know my weight is bad but surely until I fix the reasons why I’m turning to food for comfort, not sleeping, lethargic etc then I can’t tackle my weight.
Am I depressed? Do I have anxiety? Ptsd?
Does anything I’ve described ring true for anyone else?

Gosh didn’t want to read and run. You need to do something to start feeling better in yourself. Have you tried talking to others in a similar situation? Also with regards to weight, I would
Suggest you think about making small
Changes while you are feeling this way. Try and go for a walk and build up steps, get out in the sunshine?

All of it... you have ALL of it... depression, anxiety, ptsd. Yes, I know I'm not a qualified doctor but I was in your shoes, years ago and it makes me so angry that, under the guise of children needing a relationship with their father, the mother gets to live out the trauma of ongoing abuse at the hands of an ex. It makes my blood boil. It's soul destroying and it's bloody unfair that there's no buffer, no protection for us, the mothers and almost always the main carers who to be mentally strong and stable. Often, we're so broken down by these men who, even away from us and in their new lives with new wives, continue their abuse from a distance and it is just as destructive. You're always on edge, always. There is no peace, no 'moving on', no ability to find joy in your day, and that's their end goal; to destroy you. It's been many, many years since I was in and out of family court, but I don't think I'll ever forget how I felt about my life and myself at that time and for quite some time after. You have all of my hugs and sympathy, OP.

So... even if it's 'unrealistic', what would you do if you could change your life entirely, what would you want it to be? Because inside the fantasy are actualities and possibilities. You can write it here or on a paper to yourself. We can help you form ideas based on your dreams. Because in life, inside of our dreams, there are always possibilities to be found... always!

Sorry.. this should read, "no protection for us, the mothers and almost always the main carers who need to be mentally strong and stable."

If I was to change my life entirely, I’d want a job a job I enjoy and that pays well enough so that money isn’t always so tight.
There’s no chance of being able to go back into the industry I was in before, the pandemic has decimated it and I was very fortunate to work the hours I did because it wasn’t the norm by a long stretch. So it would be a career change, to what, i don’t know.
I’d want to be fit enough to play with my daughter without worrying how ill get back up off the floor and I want clothes to fit me better.
I want to not have to worry every time I see I’ve got a new email, the panic that little 1 in a red circle gives me i can’t even describe.
I want my ex to not have that effect on me- most of the time the emails aren’t even from him but the fear and anxiety is still there.
I want my life back, I feel like I’ve lost everything these last few years including myself and I don’t know how to get any of it back- not the ex, I don’t want him anywhere near me or the kids