DNR help

[Trillogy101]

Please help, I don't know where to turn?

My Dad is poorly, has been for a while but massive decline since Xmas 2020. He has been admitted twice but other than being treated for a chest infection there is nothing else wrong with him, so the Doctors have said.

He was discharged from hospital last week and refused care at home. Since Wednesday we have managed his care between us (partner and 2 Sisters) however, it is clear that there is something very wrong and we cannot manage him.

He has lost half his body weight since February, sleeps 20 hours a day, shakes so much that he cannot hold a cup or knife and fork, will not eat unless practically forcing him to....even then he will have a few mouthfuls and say he is full. He is skin and bone!

He still has a chest infection, that is clear as his chest is very rattly and he is coughing constantly.

We have asked his GP for a home visit on 3 separate occasions and they have been declined up until today where i rang Adult social care who told me to call back and demand a visit. The GP turned up earlier, checked his heart rate, blood pressure and then promptly gave him a DNR to sign! He has signed it but I'm not sure he knows what it was! I'm devastated! I couldn't be there so his partner was there at the time and did not question it.

What makes it worse is that we are burying my Nan tomorrow, I've no idea how we are going to get him to the funeral and now we may lose Dad as well.

Is this normal? I feel like I need to speak to someone about this as how is it right to get a 71 year old man, who was discharged from hospital saying "there is nothing wrong with him" to signing a DNR today.

Makes me feel sick.

Whilst an unpleasant thought, if you read about the realities of CPR you would probably find that even worse. A DNR can make perfect sense.

TBH, I don’t think that the professionals are honest enough about CPR hence why so many people end up feeling so upset when discussing DNR.

Perhaps we aren’t. But equally it’s utterly exhausting to have repeated conversations with members of the public/patients/relatives who are completely deluded about what medicine can achieve. I’ve had 91 year olds insist that they be resuscitated because they’ve ‘still got things to do’. CPR is utterly brutal. However medics discuss this with families we can’t win......and obviously it’s our fault......never the fault of the public to educate themselves.

CPR is utterly brutal. However medics discuss this with families we can’t win......and obviously it’s our fault......never the fault of the public to educate themselves.

I'm not a HCP but I can never figure out why it's blamed on the medical profession. I've been asked to do 2 DNRs on 2 different close relatives in a year and both times it was obviously a good choice.

The second time the Doctor was obviously relieved and said that relatives often conflate DNRs with giving up on their relative and withdrawing further care. In both instances for us, this simply wasn't the case, both medical teams went over and beyond for both of them.

I thought I would come back and update and ask, once again, for your support and knowledge.

The funeral went well, he made it through the whole day and seemed brighter, chatty and even ate quite a bit. As he seemed so well he did not go into hospital that night.

This morning his carers got him washed and dressed but he said he was tired and wanted to go back to bed so they gave him a Fortisip, his medication and some water and left him in bed. I went up at 1ish and he was fast asleep so I thought I would leave him. Popped back at 3.30ish and still asleep but sounded very rattly. I considered calling 111 then but I didn't as thought he was just tired.

Went back about 5.30 to sort his Dinner and he had somehow got down the stairs and was half collapsed in the doorway. Managed to get him onto a chair but he was really struggling to breathe and said he was in pain but couldn't get much sense of out him.

He keep trying to get up but his legs had gone and his breathing was getting worse so I called 999, they have taken him to A&E suspecting sepsis.

Got to call in an hour or so. Feel like I'm in a nightmare.

Oh no! Sorry to hear he's gone back into hospital. Hopefully they'll get to the bottom of what's wrong.

What a difficult situation.

Sending you love x

I'm glad your fathers in an appropriate place. His extreme weight loss, excess sleep, poor mobility and various other things would make it seem that something pretty major is going on.

Your dad can refuse to let his family be told about his condition. However hopefully he won't, and you'll get an update from his medical team explaining what's been going on.