Since having children (20 years ago the first where I had large episiotomy / failed ventouse / forceps) I haven’t had the best pelvic floor.
If I’ve needed to have a bowel movement I can’t hang around but could hold it until convenient for a short time. I started to notice more and more over the years that I would need to visit the toilet fairly quickly after eating - it would be much worse if I was out and walking around after.
For the last 4 years or so it has become much worse, it started with a new job where I am very tied to my desk, a bit of new job anxiety and one or two close calls where I couldn’t finish my phone convo quick enough and dash to the loo. This became almost a daily problem, I’d suddenly get a nervous tummy and have to make several dashes to the loo under the watchful gaze of my colleagues who just have wondered what the hell was wrong with me. It became a vicious circle of me panicking then needing to go.
Once or twice I didn’t quite make it (sorry for tmi but when the feeling sets in, I can’t hold the movement and it just comes out).
This embedded the cycle of panic.
Lockdown eased it, I worked from home and no one knew if I needed the loo so I’d just go once or twice of a morning as normal.
The problem is I’m finding I can’t go out at all now without issues. I’ve had to turn around on dog walks with my husband, been almost caught short out walking, the supermarket, anywhere. I’m getting afraid to leave the house.
If I know I’m about to go out I’ll go in the morning but inevitably I find myself in the loo just before we leave and quite often just as we are about to reach our destination here comes another episode.
Yesterday was the final straw, looking forward to going shopping with DD, I went in the morning as normal, another nervy movement just before we left - I felt fine then, tummy actually feels empty. Half way to our destination her comes the cramps and wind, luckily I was wearing a pad as it just comes out. Cue a dash to a nearby hotel who kindly allowed me to use their loo and a clean up operation. Also, the movement is always very loose and smells vile, not a usual smell.
What on earth can I do? I can’t live my life like this. I’m due a smear test, I’m not nervous of them but know I can’t book one, just waiting in the doctors will be enough to trigger an episode, I know it will.
Nowhere is pleasurable to look forward to, I’m scared of planning days out, meals, meeting friends, anything as I know I’m going to be in a knot.
I’ve tried supplements, I’ve had some benefit from psyllium husk which bulks me a little, I do take Imodium if I know I need help but often I don’t take it soon enough, lots of the time I need to go somewhere without prior planning. Reducing sugar helps a lot but on holiday when I would relax my diet or if I have a meal out then straight away I have a big problem
I’m embarrassed to visit the doctor, what adult woman shits herself all the time. I just can’t stand it any more though, I need my life back