Hating my body after op

[Ieatmarmite]

I wasn't sure whether this belongs in Mental Health but thought that it may be a shared experience with users on this board who have had major illness or surgery.

I had extensive abdominal surgery for a pancreatic tumor 18 months ago. I have the most horrible scaring (purple-red, thick, raised and puckered) that goes from one side of my abdomen to the other in a huge arc plus other scars where drains were used. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I know that my insides are probably similarly scarred. I have digestive problems and pain.

It's made me really dislike my body. I hate looking at it and touching it. I think it's let me down and I find it very difficult to care for it. This ranges from personal hygiene - I don't wash or shower, wear clean clothes, clean my teeth etc - to binge eating all the foods I'm advised not to eat, to not wanting to take the medication I need. It sounds a cliche but it's almost as if I want to punish it in someway.

Your experiences and advice please.

Oh op you poor thing that is a lot to go through and quite traumatic I should imagine. It sounds ridiculous but after I had surgery I would say to myself 'come on 'body part' you can do it, you've done so well to get this far'!!

Doing small things to help too - 18 months is still pretty early on in terms of scarring and I would expect it will further reduce - have you tried oils? I am not an expert but others might know what to try.

I also found gentle pilates from a teacher who had something similar to me helped. Likewise did bits of restorative yoga. I am 5 years post op and there is now only a mild sensation when I press the area.

In terms of the other stuff-I have found this hard too. I think its coming to terms with what happened and learning to adjust. I know these things are good and don't always do them or do them in fits and starts. I have been having counselling and have bought some books online about managing illness. It sounds from what you describe like depression, I know its easy to say but I really regret not dealing with mine sooner. Its just learning how to manage it. Finding people who have gone through similar and hearing their experiences helped me a lot so I hope other people come along with experiences too.

Have you asked if the unit you had your surgery at have access to psychologist support? Some places doing super-specialist major surgery do have this... might be worth exploring.