DH having palpitations due to DS screaming out in night....help!

[CrookshanksinJimmyChoos]

Dh told me today that he nearly passed out during dinner last night, but managed to hide it and it soon passed. He also told me that when DS (17months) screams out in his sleep - which he does 2/3 times a night, it makes him jump so much it gives him palpitations. The screaming out is awful, but from what I've heard from other parents -its quite common.

I've told him he can sleep with ear plugs in and I'll do the night shifts completely so that he can catch up on sleep etc which should help him re the passing out issue, palpitations etc, but also wanted to post here and see if anyone else's DH has a problem when faced with lack of sleep like this?

DH used to have over active thyroid, which caused palpitations but its all sorted now and last two ECG's have been clear so it doesn't look like a heart problem as such.

I've told him he needs to go to bed early, stop drinking coffee etc but he doesn't listen. He will start doing stuff on the computer/paperwork late at night, he isn't very organised and so ends up dashing around in a rush for a lot of things, despite me trying to help as much as I can. Its probably just stress and more of a lifestyle thing and while I do what I can by doing the morning shifts at weekends with DS (even though I'm up early all week as well) and will be taking over the night shifts completely, this isn't a long term solution.

Any ideas?

Well - you are doing everything you possibly can. He, on the other hand, is not prepared to take your (sensible) advice and help himself. He isn't prepared to go to bed early, or to stop drinking coffee etc. I wonder why? I suspect there is something else going on here, and I think you do too.

Does he have issues about taking responsibility for DS?

Do you think he feels he gets less attention from you now that you have DS?

I am just throwing ideas around really. What do you think is really going on?

It sounds like he is suffering general anxiety. You can't do anything about this for him, he will have to learn to help himself. Is he seeming at all depressed?

I would say that actually HE needs to take over the night shift for a few days, to hard wire in his anxiety responce that actually, the majority of the time your baby screams out, there is nothing wrong with him.

If someone had taken over every time ds1 cried, I would never have come down off the ceiling - as it is, I had to deal with him, and learned that I can deal with crying. Sounds like your husband needs to do the same.

Shielding him from the consequences of too much caffiene and not bedtime routine for himself will not help him one jot, I'm afraid.

he needs to pull his weight properly, so he learns that he is indeed capable. Don't allow him to impale himself on the cross of martyrdom.

Well, I'm profoundly deaf and have all the pagers etc to wake me up when DS cries etc. However, it doesn't tell me when its just a whinging cry or a full on I need mummy cry, so results in an awful lot of uneccessary disruption, so DH and I agreed that when he's there, I wouldn't use the pager and we would either take it in turns getting out to DS, with him nudging me, or he would do the night shift and I would do the early morning shift or vice versa.

Although I've told DH please wake me up, I will go to him, he doesn't always do it and in any case, a lot of the times, DS doesn't need attention, he just screams out and settles back to sleep but its that initial scream that sets the heart going - I know as I've heard it during the day when he's been napping. DH reasons that no point waking me up just to tell me he's screamed.

I do generally think its a lifestyle choice...I've given him tips on how to organise his day in work so he's not fire fighting and actually working his way through a to do list, I do most of the housework, cleaning etc, the shopping gets done once a week by me so he doesn't spend weekends trekking around Tescos or similar...so, from my point of view I don't feel I can do anymore...I mean the nights that DS has been good, DH has been playing on the X box and I think, ok its a form of relaxation but not what you need atm..

I'm also uncharitably about the whole thing as I think well, lack of sleep is crap but deal with it...I catch up when DS naps, I go to bed reasonably early, stay off too much caffine....

I just don't know...also feel guilty that I don't hear him, which is madness as I can't help that...

Ahhh now you say you are deaf, maybe he is in an absolute panic that The Onus Is On Him?

Some people handle that better than others - it used to send me into a flap, but you are right, he has to do more to help himself - no use you feeling guilty, I bet he wouldn't if roles were reversed.

I have been pondering this. I have a relative who is profoundly deaf, registered disabled etc and has had a bit of help and support with getting flashing lights, vibrating pads and things to substitute for doorbell and fire alarm. I wonder if you would be able to look into the possibility of a camera system (I am hopeless with technology) so that you could see ds without actually having to get up to go and check on him? Would that reduce the stress factor at all?

Then perhaps you could take turns to be on call at night? Then one person gets a night's sleep every other night. The other one could bed down elsewhere. I don't know how much space you have, but by the time we got to dc3 it was like musical beds in our house - just find an unoccupied bed and get into it! Ours are all big now and sleep like logs so it doesn't last for ever.

Sleep deprivation is the worst kind of torture and makes it difficult for people to think and behave rationally.

I have a baby cctv type thing but as DS is my PFB, I'm not content with just looking at the screen, I have to go in to reassure myself....I'm sure by the 2nd or 3rd baby I won't even be using the cctv but you know how it is with PFB!! lol!!

I do say to him lets take it in turns, but he prefers for me to get up early and do the am shift and he do the night part....I think that may have to change....even so, I do think a lifestyle change is needed for him...I think on the whole he does have it pretty good...I do all the morning shifts apart from when I work Mondays and Tuesdays, all the shopping, cleaning, cooking etc gets done by me on my non working days so compared to what some dads do, its not that much iyswim?

If anything wakes me up in the night I get terrible palpitations, my alarm clock going off, anything really. If the phone rings during the night my heart nearly leaves my body!!

Strangely enough, I used to have an overactive thyroid too....