Would you tell your adult children that you have HIV?

[Nyala]

Context: I think one of my parents has HIV.

I found a prescription for several antiretroviral drugs a few years ago, dated within the last month at the time. I asked about it... and was told 'I don't want to talk about that right now'. That was the end of it. I have secrets about my health too, so I said nothing more. I never brought it up again.

Their spouse (not my other parent) died of cancer many years ago, but they (understandably, it must have been so hard) don't want to talk about it much. I wondered whether it was an AIDS related cancer.

The antiretroviral drugs and the secrecy about them, and the sort-of-unexplained 'cancer' death... Idk, I just feel pretty sure something is wrong.

HIV has very advanced treatments now and most people live a normal life with normal life expectancy. Doctors can put HIV+ people on medication that makes the virus undetectabe and untransmissable to others... even from mother to child.

Yes, I am getting myself tested just in case.

But would you tell your adult child if you were HIV+? I don't know whether to bring it up again. We are very close, but live far apart so don't see each other that often.

I would but have never been in that situation so who knows, I might feel very differently.

I would also respect my parents (or anyone’s) wishes if they didn’t want to share this with me.

Is your parent in an at risk group?
I would prob want to tell my kids yes

I would tell my children, and very much hope my parents would tell me. For many people probably older though there is still sadly a stigma still attached to HIV. Could this be the case with your parents?
I remember the story line in Eastenders when Mark told his parents, and Pauline's first response was to say "we'll tell people you got cancer". I think that was very much the attitude of that generation at the time.

I suppose they have the right to keep medical details secret, but It’s obviously making you worry that they’ve passed it on to you.
Would it be be possible to approach in that way? There’s an ethical argument that they should to put your mind at rest.
But if they’re not ready to talk about it, just let them know you are supportive and ready to listen.

I told my adult DC, though hesitated telling the one at uni as didn’t want to disrupt her exams in any way. However she said she’d have wanted to know sooner rather than later.

The only parent relevant to your possibly being HIV+ would be your mum and this would have to be before you were born. I don’t really understand your time frame but it could be that if after you were born your parents split up one of them then met and lived with someone who was HIV+. It might have been their meds that you found. This would not be your parent’s secret to tell and something you should respect if they didn’t want to share it.

You sound like you have good HIV knowledge OP and if you’re sexually active it’s always good to get tested. If in England, Scotland or Wales here’s how to do it www.tht.org.uk/hiv-and-sexual-health/testing-hiv

@whatonearthhappened in the U.K. we’re in Group 6 unless we have other illnesses that put us in Group 4.

@HIVpos

I told my adult DC, though hesitated telling the one at uni as didn’t want to disrupt her exams in any way. However she said she’d have wanted to know sooner rather than later.

The only parent relevant to your possibly being HIV+ would be your mum and this would have to be before you were born. I don’t really understand your time frame but it could be that if after you were born your parents split up one of them then met and lived with someone who was HIV+. It might have been their meds that you found. This would not be your parent’s secret to tell and something you should respect if they didn’t want to share it.

You sound like you have good HIV knowledge OP and if you’re sexually active it’s always good to get tested. If in England, Scotland or Wales here’s how to do it www.tht.org.uk/hiv-and-sexual-health/testing-hiv

@whatonearthhappened in the U.K. we’re in Group 6 unless we have other illnesses that put us in Group 4.

Thank you very much for this.

Apologies for being cryptic about the time line and which parent... It is my mum, yes. Her spouse before I was born died of cancer, then she met my father, and has since had 3 other partners. The prescription was in her own name, for a handful of different antiretrovirals.

With some more thought about it, I think it may be more likely that it was someone who she met after me and my brother being born, because we are in our 20's and 30's and I'm assuming HIV treatment wasn't great 30 years ago so I'd have thought myself and my brother would need to know about it if her viral levels were uncontrolled when we were born.

I wish I knew how best to support her. It is her choice whether she wants to tell me or not of course. Doing my research about it has shown that she will likely be living a normal life, just on medication. I hope so.

(Not sure if the person above talking about at risk groups meant covid risk or elevated HIV risk. If covid risk, the time line of my mum getting the vaccine won't give any clues as she is a healthcare worker so already had it)

I would tell them

OP HIV has a stigma attached to it, bear that in mind

Understandable you'd want to be cryptic OP and you obviously have respect for your mother's wishes while also being concerned. Where stigma gets mentioned often this is more due to lack of knowledge than anything else. However you are obviously up on the facts.

The spouse before you were born dying of cancer might be irrelevant unless it was due to something like Kaposi's Sarcoma which was prevalent in those affected during the AIDS pandemic of the 80s.

As the two of you are in your 20s and 30s you'd know by now if you had HIV unless in the improbable event that you are both Elite Controllers (able to naturally suppress the virus). As your mum works in healthcare she would have had you tested at some point and also not every baby of an HIV+ mother with an uncontrolled viral load is born positive (google Lizzie Jordan).

You are correct in that the meds of 30 years ago (AZT and others) were not kind to the system and many preferred not to take then rather than experience the side effects. The only way to know for sure is to get tested, also as mentioned it's responsible to do so if in a relationship - on both sides, especially if considering starting a family.

As your mother has had other partners since you were born and due to the ART you saw being in her name it would be most likely that she contracted HIV from one of them. Alternatively the pills you saw were PrEP which is taken to prevent contracting HIV when with a partner who is HIV+ and has an uncontrolled viral load/not adherent to medication.

There might be other reasons that she contracted the virus, say via sexual assault. This might be something that is painful for her to retell. Or she might have promised her partner to never tell anyone. I think you have to try to pick the right moment and if broaching it do so from point of knowledge - as in (if you're in the UK) bring up the subject of "It's a Sin" and say how amazing it is that treatment is so much better now, U=U etc. Or you could be more direct and say that since you saw the pills you have been concerned about her and although you understand how good treatment is nowadays the It's a Sin series has had you researching more and if she's able to discuss it with you it would be great. If not in the UK see if there any recent newspaper articles you could use, or even comparisons made to coronavirus.

As mentioned bu a PP, it's worth at least having a chat and saying you're open to further conversation but you respect her wishes either way.

I didn't think kaposis sarcoma killed aids patients though and that it was just a comorbidity

My mum told me and I am so glad she did.

Yes, I would tell my adult children, exactly like I would for any other illness.

My mother didn't tell us she had Hepatitis C. When she was in hospital, they kept asking me for her medical history and mostly, I had to say, "I don't know." It would have been helpful if we had known. But then there was a whole load of her life she never talked about. I wouldn't recommend it, mind you, being quite so secretive.

@Nyala why do you feel you have to get tested? If you haven't had any contact with bodily fluids (bloods, semen, vaginal fluid) you will be fine. If you've had kids they will have tested you then.
Lots of people don't disclose health issues to their family, if you found a inhaler, anti hypertensives or insulin would you require an explanation?

Yes I would tell my children.