Help, I have no sex drive and I want one!

[offtobuttonmoon]

Sorry, i know this is so personal but things are just not happening in the bedroom. I just don't get turned on at all.

I have never had an orgams (sorry, even more personal), and i have, and have never had any real interest in trying to please myself, i have tried on several occasions but after many sessions of nothing, i just ended up feeling a bit dissapointed.

I did used to get quite turned on and want sex but i can not say that the earth has ever moved for me during lovemaking.

Things went downhill when I had a miscarrage, i then had a sucessful pregnancy, conceiving was just a means to an end for me. I know that it is normal for sex to go out of the window quite a bit after becoming a mum. I just never get turned on anymore. I thought that things would improve over time but they have not. I would at least like to feel sexual again, how can i work towards acheiving orgasm when i just don't feel frisky at all.

My husband is so lovely and understanding. He would love me to enjoy sex. He is really supportive about it.

I really feel like i am missing out .

You feel like things went truly downhill after your miscarriage which is absolutely understandable. It must be incredibly hard to feel like sex after something so devastating. The worry as you tried to conceive afterwards, and during your subsequent pregnancy, must have been horrible for you. So you have all this stress and worry associated with sex, and now the exhaustion of being a mum too. No wonder you aren't swinging from chandaliers!

Do you find it hard to switch from mum-mode to you-mode? I don't know how old your child is, are they old enough to stay with your parents/pil for a night? Because I think what you need to do to kickstart your sex life is some time off (even just four or five hours would do) from being a mum. When you drop your child off, come back home and take a bath to relax you, then lock your bedroom door and try again to find out what makes you tick.

Perhaps you could try reading an erotic book in the bath, or if you don't want to buy one, try literotica.com or cliterati.co.uk (Links are obviously not safe for work, don't click if you are easily offended or under 18) Those sites have all manner of stories on many subjects and in various "strengths"- I'm sure if you look around you'll find a genre which you like.

You say you used to get turned on and want sex in the past. When you enjoyed it before, was it because you were in a new relationship? or could it have been because the man took control? Try reminiscing about encounters where you got really aroused, anything where you can let your imagination wander and get in the mood.

Don't make the focus of this time "to have an orgasm" as it puts pressure on yourself, and you'll feel inhibited. Just think of it an an excercise in getting to know how you like to be touched. You could try using a vibrator, it might make it easier for you to find out what feels good more quickly.

Generally these problems are usually more in our minds than because of a physical inability to orgasm, so if you can just relax yourself enough and have patience, you might have more success. But set the scene- dim the lights, stick on some sexy music, do what you need to feel as un-mumlike as possible!

I wouldn't invite your hubby to join in properly until you have a better idea of what YOU like. It's worth persevering with. hth! x

Thanks so much for your response.

It is really hard switching off. We don't have a great support network to get time to ourselves.

I agree when you say that the problem is more in the mind.

I will try the web links that you have posted. I am open minded.

I do have a vibrator but i did not get anything from it at all. Is there quite a difference in the effectiveness of them? Any recommendations on which ones are the best?

Are you taking any antidepressants or contraceptive pills?

Both can have a huge effect on your libido.

No, not on any medication.

Ooh well, asking which toy is best is a bit like asking which flavour icecream is nicest, or which perfume, a fairly individual preference! Maybe the type you have tried isn't powerful enough? (some of the cheaper types don't pack much of a punch- and no, readers, I don't need a road drill to get me off, thankyouverymuchly)

Without going into tooo much detail, a lot of women find the "rabbit" type quite fun as it works more than just one area, and many of them have different settings so they don't just buzz.

There are traditional phallic shaped ones or ones for external use (choosing my words carefully here!) which might be of more use to you, as they can be used during sex with your partner too, and most men wouldn't feel replaced by them as they aren't the same size or shape as a man.

Why not have a look on blissbox.co.uk or a similar such site, for ideas.

Hi again

the dinky dolphin looks impressive!

I do have a RR but it does nothing for me.