Dementia mum hip op spain

[Magicsprinkles]

Could do with some advice I guess. Mum 87 went down hill in lockdown in spain, couldn’t get to her. Brother now looking after her - since July, I think he finds it hard, but he is single and can work from anywhere- and she’s due to have a hip op on 7 Dec.
In the last 2 years Dh been seriously ill which obv led to depression then made redundant. Now has job but it’s under threat for various external reasons. He’s always made it difficult to get to visit. This year reasons were - last Xmas,’ but we are going to my parents and my sister is coming to Britain and be offended. Then in Feb when she had no electricity,’ I’ve just been made redundant’ in June after lockdown I rushed over there and stayed for 3 weeks - she wasn’t very well ( and I was enjoying being with her) thought to go in October to give bro a bit of support for a week and it was,‘I’ve just started a new job’ he ( and other people) said a week won’t make a difference it will just be a holiday.
So I didn’t go. Also confusion over whether I was bringing her back here, and brother said, ‘it’s all changed’ we are going to get x rays come in November or early December.
Now she’s having a hip op on the 7
Thought I could get to spain on 11 for a week, I think mum will be just out of hospital then?
Dh saying he can’t cope on his own with kids 12 and 15

When will I be needed most so that I can help bro?
What will be needed to be done? Bro v lovely but feeling like he is in this on his own and feeling trapped.
Of course I am stuck in middle and as usual don’t know what to do.
If I go after Xmas be expensive, kids will have a dull time ( Dh just works and leaves them to it- which is fine up to a point): also want to help.
And then am getting ridiculously anxious re brexit. And covid.
Aggh!

And Dh new job is under threat through external circumstances so he is working stupid hours to impress, and though he is doing it for the family, I’m sort of fed up with it - he had 10 years of over working and it just ended in redundancy which was v upsetting.
Sorry, neeeded a vent!

Just make sure you go this time - you're making excuses as much as your husband. Don't worry about your kids - leave them to it. Put yourself and your brother first this time.

Thank you! bluefootedboobie
I really want to go but don’t know what’s best. Also Dh can get a bit stroppy - his reaction was ‘oh ffs’ but he apologised later. He is working too hard and getting over stressed.
But she is 87 with dementia and a hip op. He is a grown man with 2 kids. Who seems to think if he takes a moment off he will be kicked out. Also I’m worried about the effect it will have on relationships with bro. He’s not impressed that Dh makes it difficult to visit.

Go and see your mum. It’s not fair to your brother that you are pandering to a manchild like your DH. What sort of man can’t care for a 12 and 15 year old for a week? To be blunt, your mum is old. It might be the last time you see her. Go and support your brother, see your mum and then maybe consider whether you want to stay with such a selfish man

Thanks agent it does seem ridiculous written out. I do get a bit fed up with the endless need for support, but he works v hard in this new job which is v difficult for the family. Then I feel guilty cos I’m fed up!

What on earth elective operation are they doing on an 87 year old with dementia in the middle of a pandemic?

I'd be very very sure that everyone in the family knew what the risks and benefits and potential outcomes were for something big like a hip replacement....

... If its just something like an injection, I wouldn't have thought a trip over would be necessary for that reason alone.

Hi fixthebine it’s because she’s got crumbling bone and no cartiledge so she is in pain and there’s are no pain killers strong enough. I’d agree if it was just an injection though I’d still feel v guilty. Bro finds it v difficult to cope with her and thinks I’m not pulling my weight. I would love to go, I get all this stuff off the mil too about the children need their mother and her son needs to be looked after. They’ll all deny this of course but I can feel a bit trapped tbh.

Just go. Your kids will cope, your husband will cope with gasp! A busy job and two teenage children.

To be quite frank he's being (at best) a huge manchild over this. If the worst happened and you didn't go, because of his ridiculous complaints, you would a) regret it and b) resent him so much.

Book the flights, pack the bag, prep for the self isolation on your return because it sounds like he isn't going to be much use, and bear in mind that the test needed to enter Spain is a PCR, done at most 72h beforehand.

Your mum and bro will be v pleased to have you there.

@Magicsprinkles MIL is enabling this pathetic 'I can't cope' nonsense. The only reason the kids need their mum over their dad at this age is if dad isn't pulling his weight.

What sort of property does she live in? She’s going to need a wheeled walker/crutches/cane.
Has the height of her bed and usual chair being assessed? They might be too low for her to get in and out of comfortably. She’ll need help getting in and out of bed.
Bath or shower? She might need a bath chair, long handled sponge etc. She’ll also need a raised toilet seat, probably with handles, maybe two if she has toilets on two floors.

A grabber will also be useful.
How will she leave the hospital? Getting in and out of a car can challenging.

Also if she has dementia, will she actually be able to cope with the rehabilitation and physio? As well as understanding that she's just had an operation and will need help to get up etc.

Thanks for the practical advice guys and the support honking
Have no idea what’s happening about beds etc but can’t ask bro from afar- our relationship is getting a bit strained.

Every sympathy OP, I can see how you feel torn . Your mum is 87, go and see your mum & brother. Your support sounds needed.

Otherwise, when will there be a good time for you to go? It sounds to me there will always be an excuse/ reason for you to stay at home.

I hope your mum’s op goes well. Good luck

Apart from the immediate situation regarding your mum's operation, you ought to be thinking longer term, too.
My dad had dementia and required an emergency hip operation, unfortunately the dementia meant that he never regained full mobility, he then became even more agitated and challenging.

Even if your DH "allows" you to go to Spain this time, what about the next emergency? Is your brother going to be caring for your mum 24/7?

At 12 and 15 your kids can perfectly well look after themselves!

Train them to be self sufficient with laundry, cooking etc and fill the freezer with pizza.

Go, but as well as giving your brother a break maybe discuss the wider picture? Did your Mum move to Spain or is she Spanish? Can you move her here to be closer to you and your bro? If she had dementia she is going to need care.

If you can get a flight over go. No way on this earth would I leave my mum alone to go through a massive op and not be there. Kids and hubby can look after themselves.

Thanks everyone for your answers. I am reading them a few times! I keep vascillating and it’s exhausting. I really want to be with mum. And when I read your answers it’s reassuring that it’s the right thing to do.My bro is wonderful and he has been there since July and I know it is tough going. I don’t like the feeling of not pulling my weight and I know that is what bro is thinking.I also know mum would love me to go. so it’s very good to hear some objective helpful advice. Today Dh told me his Spanish colleague isn’t going home as it’s so difficult and he doesn’t want to take covid to his mum. I Have already booked flight and test though so it doesn’t seem that hard ( I hope!) but of course am now all anxious. But we are both in low covid areas. It’s tricky as am v busy at work and Dh may lose his job around 22nd. But yes, my very wonderful mum is 87 and I think it’s a lot to ask bro to do all this on his own. Better get those kids trained super quick!
Thanks for pointing out practical stuff long term. - that’s the next challenge!
awholelotta I’m sorry to hear that. It’s a rotten disease. Hugs to you and your mum.
Thank you everyone. Looking into how to get the equipment you have suggested moosebetimeforsummer
Really appreciate mumsnet!

Have you actually got married or is he still a DP?

Go and see your mum, you are being wet and subservient