Granny possibly drinking while looking after DS. Help!

[sillyworry]

My Mum looks after my Ds two afternoons a week. She has never got over her own terrible childhood, has to still visits my gran in a home but mum really hates her but feels guilt that she hates her. my Gran (88years old) is not a nice person. Mum does a great job looking after DS. BUT if she's had a bad day worrying about gran she gets very tearful and repeats the problem over and over like a broken record. We as a family (brother sister and nephew) think she then hits the bottle. She can't break the cycle of negative feelings. Too add to this my mother is very foreign and difficult for strangers to understand. She does have accidents I'm worried she have an accident while looking after DS. What can I do? It will break her heart not to look after DS. It will break all out hearts if he is hurt. I have to work to pay the bills it is only two afternoon a week. What should we do next as a family? HELP

Does your Gran gain anything from your Mum visiting other than the opportunity to 'get to her'. I know it might sound mean, but if your Mum has spent her whole life being upset by her, just because your Gran is old is no reason to let it continue. It is perfectly reasonable to love her because she is her Mum, but not like her. You need to help your Mum have the strength to tell her that if she continues with the upsetting behaviour, then the visits will be getting briefer and less frequent.

A close friend went through years of this before he finally realised that no matter how high he jumped, it would never be high enough for his Mum's approval, so decided to save his sanity by telling her he was not going to play the game any longer (by this time he was in his 50's). This was the actual turning point in the relationship as his mother had always unfairly compared him to his father, who he closely resembled, and had always been a 'yes man' to get a quiet life. They became reconciled, if not close, as a result and hit meant that when she did finally pass away, there had been open communication between them and no resentment to colour his most recent memories of her.

I know your Mum will probably think that this is harsh treatment and not what a dutiful daughter does, but if her own health is suffering, even a short break from each other may be enough to help your Mum gain perspective and the strength to not let things get to her.

Would there be the opportunity for you, your Mum and sister to get away to a day spa for some well deserved R&R and to remind her of how good things can be between a Mum and her daughters?

We have tried for years to get Mum to cut some ties with Gran or to at least not take any notice. It's never worked. Ten years ago I lost my temper with Mum and Gran as they were going round in circles in there normal way Mum trying to reason with Gran Gran being nasty. (I don't generally join in) Gran cut my face out of every family photo and didn't speak to me for 4 years. Gran was sent to Spain for my aunt to look after her. It was shorted lived. She tried to push the other granny down the stairs My aunt sent her back. Mum had a stroke with the stress. Looking after Ds gives my Mum another topic to talk about other than the past and her Mother. But I worry about the drinking too.

Are you definitely sure that alcohol is involved? If your Mum is slurring and has evidence of falls she may be having more mini-strokes. Still not what you want to hear if she is looking after DS, but perhaps preferable to your current worries.
I know where you're coming from though as MIL is regularly sponsored by Gordons' and so far she has not looked after DS apart from when she had to drive somewhere first so had no opportunity beforehand to sneak a large one in.

I didn't realise until my mum was about 55 that she was an alcoholic (late onset alcoholism ). I hadn't lived with her since I was 17. She came to stay with me when DS1 was 6mths old and she couldn't hide it the way she could during brief visits to one another.

I wouldn't get drunk if I was the sole adult in charge of my DS's and I wouldn't expect any other carer to, regardless of what great 'excuses' they had for their drinking. You need to talk to your mum - and not just about how your Gran gets her down. I think like any situation you need to set the boundaries with your mum about what you expect of her while she is looking after your children and if she cannot control herself then you may have to look for an alternative.

Thank you for taking an interest the and advice. I do worry that she might be having mini-strokes but she goes to the doctor and he hasn't diagnosed anything.
Family plan of action

1. I'm going to find a new position at work so I can be at home more.
2. Until then my sister is going to have a heart to heart with her. She has a gentle way with her and it won't feel like a personal attack. 3.My darling nephew is going to stay with mum to keep an eye on her and will phone me if he has anymore concerns (I knew it made sense to lavish him with gifts and take him on hols when he was a little kid)he can't be there all the time but better than nothing.
3. Sis and me are going together to see nasty granny every month and then treat our selves to a nice lunch. We used to go alone to spread out the visits but we get put off by her and her nasty ways.
4. Next time mum complains of her health I'm going to kindly go to the Doc with her. What do you reckon?

I'm glad that you are going for the family approach - I hope it makes her feel cared for and loved by everyone.

Working in healthcare I have developed a relatively thick skin when it comes to difficult older people, partly because they're not my difficult older people. The one that always makes me smile is the lady who, when I asked her to transfer from wheelchair to bed, said 'I'm going to send the devil and all his little demons to get you' and then pee'd on my feet as she stood up. I had to leave the room, once she was safe, so I didn't wet myself laughing

Gran was a difficult young woman. Left her family to marry a soldier at 15-16 (the age changes to what suits her)who was 30 years old. After the Spanish Civil war she was involved in the black market. Left my mum as a baby tied to bed post with just water and bread that she could just reach. Left my grandad at some point he looked after mum (sort of). Had my aunt 14 years later by another man and when my aunt was 2 years old returned to my grandad. My aunt still doesn't know this. Gran ended up in prison.
When I was born wouldn't show my picture to anyone because I was black. Always unkind about my dad and his family even though he was always respectful to her and looked after her. Said to my sister,in a kind voice, your not very clever but you have a clean house. Very nasty to staff at the nursing home.Thrown out of a lovely nursing home because she was violent and threw a video at another resident's head. wee on the floor but won't wear incontinent pants. I could go on and on..