Embarrassing female health problem

[HildaWasALondoner]

I have name changed for this, as there is one aspect that I can't even tell my DH! Before I start and to give you a clue, I am not a piss troll.

I am pre-menopausal, and on some very light HRT to manage symptoms such as hot flushes, brain fog, irritability etc.

My Mirena coil is overdue for replacement, by about 4 months. I'm having some additional symptoms now like breast tenderness, mild pelvic pain, and pain during/after intercourse.

I have some bladder weakness which the GP felt was probably menopause related (softening of the pelvic floor muscles) - I wear a pad during the day to catch leaks, but I don't use one at night. The old fanj has to breathe once in a while, but I'm mainly self conscious and I don't really want my DH to wonder why I'd be wearing a pad at night. He's a massive pisstaker, pardon the pun, and I'd never hear the end of it. Plus, you know, sexy-time spontaneity. The embarrassing bit is that I must be leaking tiny amounts overnight, so in the morning...well, I'm damp and smell like a camel barn. And even if I DO wear a pad, the morning problem is the same.

DH is baffled as to why I avoid any closeness etc first thing in the morning or keep the covers clamped over me as he's getting up - I told him that I prefer to stay covered as I'm self conscious about my body, but really it's because I'm panicking that he'll get a waft of ammonia and fall unconscious before I can dash to the shower and remove the offending underpantage. If I wake in the night for the loo I sometimes change, but he has been known to wake up and say, "Why are you taking your pants off??"

To add to it I have an long term waterworks problem - for some 20 years I've been getting repeated "infections" (painful bladder and cloudy offensive wee), but 90% of the time there is no infection, just a high white cell count, and routine investigations many years ago yielded nothing. I had a few years respite, but recently this issue has returned - I am soldiering on with bladder pain and leaking foul pee. Gosh I'm so attractive right now.

If you've got this far, I have approached the GP again, however;

1. They cannot remove and refit my mirena because they are not doing such appts at the moment, plus one of the few GPs trained to do so has retired. When they start scheduling appts there is a long backlog.
2. I cannot have antibiotics for my malodorous bladder as there is no infection, and they are not moved to investigate further.
3. The bladder weakness is perceived as "just one of those things", even though I have never given birth so technically my pelvic floor should be pretty good.

I have private insurance so I could get all of this looked at privately - but I'd need a referral. What type of referral do I ask for though? Can a gynaecologist deal with all of it, including the bladder thing? Lord knows a private doctor might get to the bottom of it if an insurance company was paying.

Opinions and advice welcome, if you're not all asleep...sorry for TMI. It's the first thing I've ever felt too mortified to reveal to my DH, and he's seen and heard far worse from me...

You need the gusset Gripper! Follow her she's on insta, Facebook and more. I think she's even a Mumsnetter paging @GussetGripper

She's a comedienne and specialist on this area of women's health.

Don't squeeze midstream pee muscles. Squeeze the 'stop a smelly fart' muscle.

Women in France don't have this problem as it's treated as a medical issue. Get treated. It will do wonders for your quality of life.

Variety of names Gussie Grips, Gusset Gripper etc

www.kegel8.co.uk/blog/guest-blog-by-physiotherapist-elaine-miller-of-gusset-grippers

Apart from anything else, your DH needs to grow the eff up.

Haha "Gusset Gripper" - I have had a look, thanks for the link SciFi! Interesting about the fart muscle - kinda gross but interesting.

There seems to be plenty of "period pants" around but do they have the right features to work for mild incontinence - as in moisture wicking, odour minimising, leak proof etc? Apologies but menstrual blood presumably flows much more slowly than urine owing too...viscosity (sorry). There are some bladder leak proof items available but at £25 a pair for the good ones I'd risk DH embarrassing me (he could grow the eff up, yes, but then he wouldn't be the hilarious goof that I married - although I appreciate the sentiment Daffodilius ).

I tried 2 types of reusable menstrual pads which promised to "lock in odour" but whenever I went for a pee the odour from the liner burnt my nostril hairs, I had to bin them. And I don't leak more than a teaspoon or two on a good day (maybe a pint if DH makes me laugh with a full bladder).

I have now completed my e-consult and asked directly for a referral, so let's see what they say.

Thanks again for all the support, I do appreciate it.

I went to a female physio, no referral needed, and Paycare Healthplan picked up the bill. Around a couple of hundred for about 3 sessions a couple of years ago IIRC. Much improved now, but you need to keep on with the exercises.

You need pads specifically for urine leakage. I use Tena pads sometimes, when I go for a run or have a cough, but on,y the very thin ones.
I'd also advise you to sit down with your DH and talk to him honestly. My body has changed a great deal in the last 5 years because of menopause, and trying to hide this from my DH would have made me feel worse.

I have Always sensitive bladder pads (the small ones) on subscription from Amazon.

It's not that DH doesn't know I leak a little when I laugh, or if I'm hurrying to get to the loo, and he knows I wear pads during the day and why (he's seen me putting them on and usually makes up a song about panty liners or something).

I tend to just wear pants with no pad at night though, partly because he'll take the mick and deliberately feel for my "surfboard" which is embarrassing - but also because I hate to think of the downer it would put on proceedings if he were to instigate sex and I had to remove the whole set up whilst trying to maintain the mood.

So it's really only the morning problem that I am being cagey about, that's all - he's first up, feeds the puppy then comes back with a cup of tea for me, flinging back the covers to give me a cuddle, and I freeze, clamp my thighs together and quickly cover myself. He frowns and says why do you keep doing that, and I physically cannot say the words "because my crotch smells like a ferret hutch."

You have all the practical suggestions on here

I get your husband is just having 'a laugh' which in most circumstances is right for you SO, you tell him, and any comments you respond with offering to check his prostate as 'at his age ... '

You've been with him long enough - it's just about giving as good as you get.

Haha IAintentDead I think you're right. In the last 22 years we have mercilessly taken the piss out of each other for EVERYTHING - it's just part of our relationship. There is nothing that is out of bounds when it's just between us, because I know he is kidding and that's our sense of humour. He even told me to snap out of it at my mum's funeral, which gave me a good laugh (and which mum would've found most amusing).

I think I have alluded to "not feeling clean" and he's just laughed it off. I'm not sure why I'm being such a prude about it, it just feels weird.

Are you sure it's pee making the smell? I'm not sure a tiny bit of wee would smell that bad after a short time, but I might be wrong.

You say it smells of ammonia. I don't leak pee (unless I have a uti) but if I use tampons I get a watery discharge that reeks of ammonia. I'm convinced it's my body's response to the foreign body. Could you be experiencing the same thing because of your coil?

Funny you should say that, I do sometimes wonder - this morning I was more aware of everything because of this post, and I noticed that my underwear was dry but still had that super strong smell. I assumed that a few small leaks in the night had evaporated and left it behind (my urine has a strong odour because of the underlying infection that isn't treated as an infection).

I do get hot due to flushes, but I'm not a great one for sweating other than from my scalp, the small of my back, and in the knicker area! Yikes. Maybe it's sweaty groin syndrome...may Google.

When I first got the coil 10 years ago I had an awful lot of almost grey watery stuff appearing, so much so that I used liners for a while. It didn't have much of an odour though, as I recall, and after the first year it completely stopped. I've had no periods or any other kind of discharge for 9 years. Well, very little, scarcely noticeable.

I told my DH today, the element I've been trying to hide anyway. For a split second he looked mortified and said, OMG I thought you were joking.

Then he shrugged, said he'd never noticed a thing, then added, "What's for dinner, stinky minge?"

So business as usual here. Econsult submission has been passed on to a clinician apparently, but I've just discovered that I could have had a private GP consultation as part of my health cover (a PP did mention this but I never for a minute thought I'd have it on my policy).

You don’t have to put up with this OP, there is so much that can be done to treat and improve these issues. Would second the advice upthread to get a referral to a urogynaecologist to get to the root of the problem, and also a specialist women’s health physio who can help you to strengthen your pelvic floor. In the meantime I would highly recommend the Hab-it programme which is quite cheap and helped me enormously.

Thanks LadyGrey

Sorry, no additional helpful advice but just wanted to chip in and say thanks for the very amusingly written op! 😁 (and sorry you're suffering)🌻

Ah how lovely to have my efforts to be lighthearted and amusing recognised Sheesh!

Just a message of solidarity, because I'm experiencing the same problem, mine has become an issue since an accident a few years ago and is only just being looked into. They really are good at dismissing women who report issues, aren't they. What little self esteem I had, left, when this became an issue for me, and I'm still angry I wasn't listened to for over three years. Fingers (and legs?) crossed that your issue is dealt with food good and you are back to your old self soon

There's an app called Kegel exercises which has a daily routine. Like all muscles the more you work out the stronger they are.

Definitely worth doing.

It’s so frustrating how often women are dismissed and told it’s normal, just one of those things that happens and we have to put up with it. No we don’t! It may be common but that doesn’t mean it has to be our normal. Makes me cross that it can be so difficult to access help.

Have you tried d mannose for the infection not infection?

@HildaWasALondoner
Ah how lovely to have my efforts to be lighthearted and amusing recognised Sheesh!
10/10😆👍

Cheers Yawn! Yeah as if I don't have enough self esteem issues with my job and my appearance, now I smell of wee.

I have downloaded the Kegel exercises app, thank you Margaret. I have already had a little practice - man I'm rubbish, can barely hold for 3 seconds which might explain a lot. It's so stupid, I'm an intelligent woman and I know all about pelvic floor exercises yet I never do them.

I have also looked up the research on D-Mannose, thanks Queen - there does seem to be some strong evidence for it, I'll order some!

Appreciate the advice. I don't want to end up self-catheterising like my mum did, after her lifetime of infections left her with no muscle tone in her bladder. In fact it was urosepsis that ultimately saw her off.

You need to see a good urologist with an interest in chronic/ recurrent UTI.
Mr Ased Ali is wonderful.

Op sorry about your issues

But I just want to say I'm so glad you told your dh and his response just made me pmsl

I have bladder issues sometimes but have noticed it more as I'm growing up should we say

My dh would be exactly the same as yours. We share the same dry humour and below the belt comments and I sometimes find that helps keep the humour for me at stressful times.

I really hope you get some help with it.
It pisses me off that we tend to just accept and be told at times to accept things as part of our age etc.

Ah OP great you have retained your sense of humour and glad you are taking action now.

This is slightly different (as you mentioned your UTIs aren't actually UTIs?) but I got them frequently and finally (after collapsing) had a scan, which discovered one kidney was non-functional and very swollen. The scan was arranged before I was sent to a urologist. Make sure you get a scan as well.