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Original poster

Cancer, the coronavirus, DH and me

13 replies

Fantasisa · 06/07/2020 11:45

DH has had treatment for cancer during lockdown and I'm working full time from home in a job that has got even busier and I've got our two young children at home too. But he is just so grumpy and rude to me, is this usual? It is making him really difficult to be around. He is in pain and is very tired of course but nothing I do is good enough and it is really getting me down. Do I just need to suck it up?

OP posts:

TARSCOUT · 06/07/2020 11:58

Having undergone treatment myself I was great all the way through. Once it had finished was the worst. That's when the fear sets in. Do you talk about his fears?

Original poster

Fantasisa · 06/07/2020 12:03

No, not his fears specifically. Yesterday he accused me of making his cancer about me and the example he used was me crying when he was diagnosed apparently that was crying for myself not him. He is just so rude to me it is hard to take.

OP posts:

TARSCOUT · 06/07/2020 13:08

This is my opinion and others will be different. During treatment you just keep your head down and push through. You don't actually deal with processing the information or consider anything further than the next 10 minutes. You are grieving and you are hurt and you're angry and you want to blame someone. It's rather like the stages of grief except you haven't lost someone. He is at the angry stage and after that is acceptance. You do need to allow him to be angry but not at your own expense. Next insult you need to tell him you know he is hurt and hes angry but it isn't your fault and you won't be bullied. Be firm.

Original poster

Fantasisa · 06/07/2020 13:52

Thanks Tarscout. It is all very lonely.

OP posts:

EKGEMS · 06/07/2020 15:18

There's no excuse for abuse-just because he's fighting cancer doesn't give him a get out of jail free card. It sounds like displaced anger. Cancer is shit. 100%, but it doesn't mean you can't control your actions. I've survived cancer and had some very dark times and dark emotions but never abused my loved ones. All I can say is talk to him and tell him you love him but you're struggling to like him currently and he can't expect you to be his emotional punching bag

RedRosie · 06/07/2020 21:08

This sounds familiar. Try and be kind to one another. It's an awful time. Is he taking any steroids as part of the treatment? This was part of the issue when my DH was having chemotherapy.

These times will pass

PelicanDeuce · 06/07/2020 21:40

This could be steroids. They, along with chemo, made me a horrible person for a while. And it’s a reasonably common side effect.

I don’t know what he’s like normally though.

Original poster

Fantasisa · 07/07/2020 12:18

No steroids and no chemo (it was cancelled because of Covid) just radiotherapy that has undoubtedly been painful with awful side effects. It is just so wearing. He isn't normally like this so I am trying to cut him some slack but it is so lonely. Did your DH come out of the other side of this behaviour, @RedRosie?

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 07/07/2020 12:22

op do not feel guilt or that you were making it about you as you cried when dh was diagnosed. That is very unfair, it a whole wealth of emotions.

Its hard enough, but not having normal support for you makes life even harder - be kind to yourself and ask him to cut you some slack - just as you've done for him

RedRosie · 07/07/2020 12:57

So far (fingers crossed) @Fantasisa ... The steroids made things worse, but all cancer treatment is brutal.

My DH's is the sort of cancer that can't be cured, but he responded well to two years of treatment (chemotherapy primarily) and is in partial remision now.

I expect your partner is scared. And you of course. Everything crossed for you, that necessary treatment is done asap and that he does well.

Original poster

Fantasisa · 07/07/2020 13:29

@ivykaty44 I couldn't believe he said that - I did say he would have called my uncaring if I hadn't! He is just lashing out. Thank you, @RedRosie, DH's chances are good. I'm sorry your DH can't be cured and I hope it stays in remission.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 07/07/2020 13:55

I really think he's angry about the cancer and lashing out, its not an excuse and not really acceptable.

SnowsInWater · 07/07/2020 14:12

Fear often makes people behave badly, it is easier to be angry than vulnerable. BUT it is not ok to be abusive and cancer is not an excuse. I had eight months of full on cancer treatment last year, I often felt like shit but that never gave me the right to be nasty to the people around me. You need to be firm about this and let him know you understand things are tough for him but you will not tolerate him treating you badly - you feel how you feel, his cancer doesn't trump that.

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