Considering a termination... feel awful

[Changedname81]

Found out I was PG two weeks ago and at first I was really excited, been posting on baby names and have an amazon wish list set up...

Not with the father - we’ve been a fwb situation for a few months.

Was on mini pill but it failed.

Father is not happy. Being incredibly churlish, throwing weight around, making outrageous claims about how the baby will be bought up / has declared it’ll have his surname / he will be taking the baby away to his country, etc and I’ve spent every day of the last week crying. Now when he texts me I get fear down my back in case he says something stupid.

I don’t know if I can face 18 years of that.

I bled this weekend and God strike me down for saying this but I almost hope when I go for my dating scan this week that they tell me there is no longer a pregnancy. I know, I’m a fucking monster.

I suffer from anxiety to a high degree (medicated) and all this is making me want to jump off the nearest building.

The worst thing is is that I’ve wanted this more than anything my whole life. Now it’s here I don’t know if I’ll be able to cope with him throwing his weight around and me being strong as well as being a good mother and role model for this baby.

So I’m actively considering a termination and telling him I’ve M/C.

I realise this makes me the worst type of person but I just don’t know what to do.

I suspect I’m about 7-8 weeks pregnant but will know for sure this week.

Please don’t come on and tell me how bad I am, honestly, I feel like the worst.

If any of you have had a termination please can you give me your experience?

Thank you x

Only you know what is right for you and nobody will judge you. I did exactly what you are thinking in spookily similar circumstances. He never will know - we went on to marry (since split up but after many happy years) but if a pregnancy is not right for you then you can take the option to terminate. I had a surgical abortion in the morning and was at work in the afternoon, not sure if I'm typical though (I had my kids drug free too, I'm wondering if I lack pain sensors!)

Thinking of you

Thank you so much for your experience.
If I took him out the equation I’d keep the baby happily.
However I can’t take him out the equation, but I can take a poor tug of war baby out.

I think I’m being selfish if I keep the baby just because I want him/ her so much.

I’m torn and feeling despair.

Like okiedokie says only you can decide what is right for you. I have had a termination, for different reasons. It wasn't easy, but to this day I feel thankful that I live in a country where we have the choice to make such a decision. I have to say OP that were I in your position I would definitely be looking at making that choice. Sending you hugs and for whatever you decide.

The father can throw his weight around all he wants but you're not obliged to put his name on the birth certificate nor are you required to give your child his surname.

If you go alone to register the birth you won't be able to add his name to the certificate (this won't affect any claim you wish to make for maintenance) and can name the child according to your wishes.

If the father wishes to share parental responsibility he can apply to the family courts to be added to the birth cert.

However, you have mentioned that the father has threatened to take the child to his home country. Could you live with the thought that at any time the father could take the child from your care and away from the UK?

You can't rely on the courts to prevent this from happening as it's unlikely they will see any request for the child to go with its father to his home country as being unreasonable.

Having seen the emotional havoc caused to mothers when there's no guarantee that their children won't be spirited away on a contact visit or other occasion, such as being removed from nursery or similar by fathers who hold shared parental responsibility, I would advise you to think very carefully about continuing this pregnancy.

In your position I wouldn't hesitate to terminate as I would regard it as selfish in the extreme to bring a child into an even more uncertain world than the one we live in. All children suffer when their parents are, effectively, at war with each other and I couldn't bring myself to be responsible for any trauma caused simply because I was determined to have a child.

You are NOT a monster. Far from it. You are showing a maturity about parenting that many lack. You will be a wonderful mother one day but this is not the right time, or the right father for your child.

At this early stage you're unlikely to require a surgical termination - a couple of pills will suffice. End your fwb arrangement with this man, block him if necessary, and don't engage with him again.

I'll keep my fingers crossed that you get the result you're hoping for when you have a scan. If not, please don't feel any shame or guilt whatsoever for doing what you know you have to do.

Tell him you miscarried and move to a different area.

I’ve had a termination and it has really affected me. It was the right choice for my circumstances at the time but 10 years on it still doesn’t sit right.