Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

General health

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Can someone 'medical' please give me advice on extremely ill MIL?

24 replies

lookingforinfo · 20/08/2007 14:11

My DH is all over the place at the moment and I am looking for some kind of an approxiamate clinical assessment so I can help support him.... I've done a quick name change as my DH is intensely private person - he'd be uncomfortable with my MN friends in RL if he knew they knew about some of the following:

My MIL is an alcoholic who has gone downhill since my FIL passed away 7 years ago. She has been in hospital since she had a bad fall nearly 3 weeks ago, and is going downhill. A quick summary: Her liver is failing, it is suspected that her kidney is beginning to fail too. she had a blood transfusion on Thursday but that didn't do her any good and now she has an enlarged spleen which I think the registrar explained as meaning that her blood isn't getting properly processed (or that she wouldn't benefit form any more transplants, not clear on his message here, but knew it wasn't a good sign). she has been on a drip (she has refused all food since going into hospital and we suspect she probably didn't eat for some time prior to admittance) and she has also been getting antibiotics intraveneously. Today they have said that all her normal veins have collapsed and any more treatment will require them to put in a central vein somthing or other which I understand means putting in a drip in a vein close to her heart. she has been vomitting blood since Saturday and her BP is 40/50. She also has brain damage (but apparantly more to do with long-term alcohol than the accident she had) and is down to 42KG. She has a chest infection which is being kept at bay by the antibiotics. Her skin is breaking open all over the place so she is on an air mattress now. She is in her mid-sixties but has for years been in very poor health. Her current 'will to live' is pretty low. I would say that she is pretty determined this time to not recover (we have had a few hospital episodes before - never on this scale medically of course - but she always rallied round; this time we think she has made her mind up to go).

Whilst we are told what is happening to her from day to day, my DH can't seem to get any kind of prognosis with regard to what happens next; we have no idea if she has just a couple of days to live or if she might pull back and improve substantially. If she is dying (which we think is the case), could it take weeks? Yesterday for example she 'came back' a bit mentally (ie she could talk and have something approximating a conversation, although her short term memory is all over the place), and DH thought she was rallying; today he's been called back to discuss this central vein thing. I think the registrar was intimating that putting in this vein was a 'decision' that DH needed to take. He had flown back from Scotland (where she is) to London on the first flight this morning, and now he is driving straight back up to get to the hospital for this evening.

Does anyone have an idea of how this is likely to pan out? DH doesn't know if it is night or day and has been back up and down like a yo-yo. I don't know whether to tell him to stay there or not, or whether I should get the kids together and drive up there myself, or whether I should gear us all up for a bit of upheaval that might last months. My DH's fear today is that this vein thing may be a life/death decision that he needs to take (But he just doesn't know: for all we know the vein thing might not be important at all).

If anyone has any advice on what is likely to happen we would be really grateful; DH is on the road for the next 6 hours so I can relay news over to him. If I need to get my bags packed as well then the sooner the better and I'd rather know ASAP if that is the case. If he arrives late tonight he may not see the consultant until tomorrow. Any info he has in advance would be a great benefit (even if the news isn't good)..

OP posts:
NAB3 · 20/08/2007 14:14

I have no medical clue but wanted to bump for you and wish you luck. Could your DH book in to a hotel instead of travelling up and down the country? It must be very tiring for him and a little bit dangerous if he is so tired. Make sure he takes lots of breaks and remembers to eat and drink.

ImBarryScott · 20/08/2007 14:23

I'm sorry your MIL is so poorly.

No clinical advice I'm afraid, but I do work alongside medics, so i have a couple of ideas on getting better info.

Often the nursing shifts change quickly, so your MIL's named nurse may not always have up to date info about her. In addition, sometimes junior doctors are not confident about giving prognoses.

So you need the consultant. The best way of getting to talk to him/her is requesting to be booked in to attend ward rounds. Make sure you book in when the consultant will be there! these normally happen in the morning - ask if your MIL can be discussed first so you don;t have to hang around too long. You should be able to book in with the senior nurse on duty. Make sure you get your name added to the diary because you can bet your life that if you don;t, whoever is on duty on the day will know nothing about it.

Hope this helps.

QueenofBleach · 20/08/2007 14:23

Can't answer medically but wanted to speak about our experience regarding late MIL, she had stents in, drank a lot ( on the day after oure wedding her and FIL drank a bottle and a half og gin)suffered from strokes and could not walk unaided. She was admitted into hospital on boxing day a coule of years ago and like your MIL lost will to live, had transfusions, problems with veins etc, she passed away about 3 weeks later.

On a personal level I wouldn't drag the children there if she is not mentally with it all time as will be very distressing for them and consequently for you. Is there anyone you can leave them with for a couple of days so you can support your DH and maybe battle the doctors into answering some questions, I know that you are emotionally involved but one step away and you are possibly feeling stronger than your DH right know.

Sorry I can't be of more help.

KateF · 20/08/2007 14:47

I am going back quite a few years to when I was a medical house officer (I am no longer in clinical practice) but it sounds as though your MIL is very seriously ill. Putting in a central line is a fairly routine procedure but in a very frail lady who may have problems with blood clotting it has associated risks. I think the doctors looking after her may be wanting to discuss with your dh (and your MIL if her mental state permits) exactly how far they should go to prolong her life. If she is unlikely to recover from this episode and does not wish to go on living is it the best thing to start the first of what could become many invasive procedures?

I'm so sorry you and your dh are going through this and hope someone with more current clinical experience comes along to offer more info.

FlossALump · 20/08/2007 14:54

I don't know enough to be of any help really, but your DH needs to question the registrar tonight about future plans, resuss status and prognosis. Usually a registrar (who is one under the consultant) should be able to answer these type of questions openly and honestly and give you all a clearer idea of where you are heading. If not then you DH needs to ask to speak to someone more senior (a consultant). The hospital can't expect you to travel backwards and forwards all the time with no inkling of what is happening. I wish you all the best.

macdoodle · 20/08/2007 15:46

Sorry hon - I think the prognosis sounds bleak - I should think they want to discuss the risks vs any benefit of the central line...and also what "measures" your DH wants taken - it is always hard to give a prognosis even for those looking after her - from what you describe you may only be talking weeks at most - if she rallies (which may happen) it sounds like she might need a nursing home or such like ...my instinct (medical) would be to prepare for the worst and perhaps let her go with as little interference as possible to keep her comfortable...

Desiderata · 20/08/2007 15:55

I'm sorry you're both going through this. My mother died at 45 of alcoholism, and I really can't see anyway your MIL is going to rally from this. She is dying and it sounds like she wants to.

In my very limited experience, I would suggest that she really doesn't have long. But of course, anything could happen.

I wish you both courage

tissy · 20/08/2007 16:00

agree with the others, it's not looking good at all, sorry.

lookingforinfo · 21/08/2007 09:02

Thanks all for your input, and shared experiences. The central vein went in last night (DH wasn't asked in the end - they just went ahead and did it). He is due to see the consultant this morning so will hopefully get some proper info (we get nothing really from the registrars - they just tell us how she is at that particular moment in time)...

Thanks esp to ImBarryScott re getting to the consultant - we have had episodes of 'missing' him and it seems like searching for the holy grail to get to him - we will do as you advise.

Sounds very callous, but we are all hoping that this all ends very quickly - there is just so much stress on DH and his sister and we all know that there is really only one outcome at the end of this.

OP posts:
QueenofBleach · 21/08/2007 19:37

It is not callous at all to think that and don't feel badly about it.

burstingbug · 21/08/2007 19:47

Any news how she's doing this evening?

ImBarryScott · 22/08/2007 09:53

Lookingforinfo - any news on MIL?

I absolutely do not thin you are being callous. Often when people are that poorly, they remain very unwell even if "fit for hospital discharge", so end up having lots of care at home, or nursing home care. I always think it must be horrible to be so poorly for so long. I hope whatever the outcome, that the situation resolves itself well for all of you.

Lookingforinfo · 22/08/2007 11:16

Good morning,

Well she has turned completely yellow now apparantly as a result of liver packing up, and is still refusing to eat. They apparantly put in a tube for feeding her and she pulled it out. DH and SIL saw the consultant yesterday and it seems that there is a bit of a stalemate going on: I think they have (quite fairly IMO) taken the view that there is little point on doing anything further for her because she doesn't want them to, so they are simply keeping her hydrated and dosed with antibiotics. We just have no idea how long all of this will play out for...could be weeks I guess . But I am relieved that they aren't planning any invasive procedures (ATM).

OP posts:
thegirlwithnoname · 23/08/2007 15:26

Good afternoon LFI, I have been lurking on your post, and was wondering how things are. take care.

Lookingforinfo · 24/08/2007 15:57

There's been no change in her condition ... she is stable, still refusing to eat, not getting any better nor worse although inevitably the lack of food will start having a greater & greater impact. DH is back up there again (he flew back down briefly for an overnighter) but I think this weekend will be his last trip up until there is a marked change in her condition - it could go on for weeks like this I guess...

Fortunately for me it is just an organisation / amuse the kids while daddy's away problem; my poor old DH is having a horrible time of it - we were in Africa when my FIL died suddenly, and my DH is really struggling with the conflict of knowing that something might happen when he isn't there but also knowing that he cannot keep everything 'on hold' for weeks waiting for things to pan out. All very depressing..

OP posts:
thegirlwithnoname · 24/08/2007 21:35

LFI, even just telling us on here is a very courageous thing to do, your dh and you have been through such a lot. The guilt of not being there when your fil died must of been awful for your dad, have you thought of trying to do something for your dh, anything from running him a relaxing bath to a small photo album of his parents ~ actually that moght be a bit iffy. Take care what ever you do.

janestillhere · 24/08/2007 21:46

I completely identify with all you're going through.
My darling mum developed brain damage through long term alcohol abuse just over a year ago. She is back at home now and my Dad has retired from his to be FT carer for her. It's so hard because I feel like I lost her when she first went into hosp as she isn't like mum anymore
She's still walking (shakily) unaided to help herself to drinks, and it's like I'm contantly in a waiting game - waiting for THAT PHONE CALL. We are the same. I wish you love and best wishes. You are not alone.
Lonely feeling though isn't it. xxx

dissle · 24/08/2007 21:48

shouldn't be long now.
think the central line, antibiotics and fluids will be prolonging things tho.
probably looking at days maybe a week or two, but no longer than that.
very sorry for you all.

Lookingforinfo · 28/08/2007 12:06

thanks all for your messages especially those sharing similar stories - alcoholism is such a horrible thing.

DH came home in the early hours of Sunday night/Monday morning, with the news that she was stable and the doctors were planning on transferring her to a geriatric ward at some point soon...then yesterday evening it went pear-shaped again and the latest is that she is apparantly 'leaking' fluid from the sores all over her body. Not being medical I have no real idea what this means, but I googled the internet and think this looks like end-stage kidney failure...

So we went from a weekend where DH thought things would be stabilising into a weeks/months scenario, to one where once again we are up in the air and waiting to hear what this means in terms of prognosis/timescales....

Many thanks all for your concerns, though I feel guilty in a way for knowing your kind thoughts are with us - I keep thinking she has brought it all on herself and I keep being angry that she has hurt DH and his sister so much; when you think of what people like OJ & Misdee go through, it seems so unfair that people like my MIL do this to themselves (even if logically you know that alcoholism is something that maybe they have little control over).... what horrible horrible things to think

OP posts:
Lookingforinfo · 03/09/2007 10:32

Just a note to close out this thread.... MIL had complete Liver and Kidney failure on Thursday. All treatment was withdrawn and she was moved into a sideroom to die. She never woke up on Thursday morning and there was 'minimal' brain activity....
And she is still alive. It is absolutely horrible. She is full of MRSA, no-one is allowed to touch her because of the sores all over her body. She hasn't woken up since Wednesday night (and won't wake up again) and she has had no drugs or fluids since Thursday. There is a lot of internal bleeding and her lungs are slowly filling with fluid. My DH is terrified that if her heart doesn't give up soon then she may 'drown' (but he can't bring himself to ask the consultant if this might happen, in case he gets a definitive 'yes'). The doctors can't do anything other than wait until nature takes it's course. The really sad thing is that all of her friends have fallen away over the last few years because of her alcoholism so there is just her two children and one sister supporting each other... I just wish we could have seen into the future so we could have spelt out to her exactly what would eventually happen, in the hope we could have helped her stop drinking. All so pointless and so sad. She had four tiny grandchildren aged from newborn to 3YO to dote on, but she chose the bottle instead.

OP posts:
Elizaveta · 03/09/2007 10:43

I remember reading your thread when you first posted but felt I couldn't add anything useful. I'm really sorry it's so hard on your family right now, especially your dh.

Addiction is so hard to understand.

Thinking of your family.

kindersurprise · 03/09/2007 10:46

So sorry to hear what you and your DH are going through. Thinking of you.

BecauseImWorthIt · 03/09/2007 11:01

Very sorry - what a horrible way to die.

Budababe · 03/09/2007 11:20

How horrible for all of you. It sounds awful but I hope it is not too long now.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page