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Original poster

Hoarding or untidy

19 replies

ILoveJoeBrown · 18/09/2019 18:51

DS22 is so messy! He is unemployed and suffers from ADD.

He will tidy up when nagged but the room will be back like this within a day or so. It's unbearably hot, stuffy + smells.

Help please!

OP posts:

PrettyFlyF0rAWiFi · 18/09/2019 18:54

Is this a room in your home?

You'll get loads of responses in which posters tell you to do all sorts of things and sanctions and booting him out etc and that's all well and good

Me personally? I would be in there every day keeping on top of it because I couldn't bear any part of my house to be like that. It's gross. It's a health hazard and I couldn't relax knowing a part of my home was disgusting and smelly.

Let me show you my DDs room for comparison - and I don't think it's unusual. She's 21 and messy

PrettyFlyF0rAWiFi · 18/09/2019 18:55

Clothes to be put away. That's about it

I'd ban all food and drink for starters

PrettyFlyF0rAWiFi · 18/09/2019 19:00

Sorry I missed that he has ADD.

What I'd do is work with him to clean it properly. De clutter ruthlessly. And then you put aside five mins a day - that's all it will take - to go in with a bag and ask him to put any rubbish in the bag. Do you have a stick hoover? Can you keep it upstairs? Easy then to run over the (now clear - it's been ruthlessly de cluttered!) floor each day. Keep a soft cloth and polish in a drawer - grab once a week . Supervise him doing this

The alternative is to let it be like it is

beanaseireann · 18/09/2019 19:06

No food allowed upstairs in our house.

Seaweed42 · 18/09/2019 19:56

Put a very large dustbin right by the desk? Are you enabling him by ignoring it? Does he bring out the bins or fill or empty tge dishwasher?

Original poster

ILoveJoeBrown · 18/09/2019 20:04

Reading some of the advice - some is just obvious (just haven't seen the wood for the trees? Or the floor for the rubbish?!). A big bin sounds like a first step - that way he can just chuck it all in + I can pop my head round every couple of days + empty it.

No food going upstairs is impossible. If he can't take his food upstairs then none should, but younger DSs spend most time in their rooms anyway + don't want to eat with the boring parents any more. We all used to eat dinner together but that died a natural death some time ago now.

OP posts:

Original poster

ILoveJoeBrown · 18/09/2019 20:06

I send out WhatsApp amnesty every so often to get my cutlery back!

OP posts:

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 18/09/2019 20:11

That’s ridiculous! You need to put your foot down or you will end up with rats or cockroaches. Food at the table or in the kitchen or you don’t eat. It’s that simple. How can you accept that level of mess in your home? Blanket rule for all would be best to be fair.

thatwasMauijustmessingaround · 18/09/2019 20:17

"No food going upstairs is impossible. If he can't take his food upstairs then none should, but younger DSs spend most time in their rooms anyway + don't want to eat with the boring parents any more. We all used to eat dinner together but that died a natural death some time ago now."

Don't see why this is a problem? Make it a house rule and enforce it. It's twenty minutes of their lives.

You just say "nobody eats upstairs anymore cus of the mess/dirty cutlery/etc"

Then stick to it. Have consequences if they ignore you.

This was the rule when I was growing up

EdWinchester · 18/09/2019 20:20

Yuck x 1000.

No food/drink in bedrooms. You're a family, why can't you eat together? Or at least downstairs.

Wallywobbles · 18/09/2019 20:32

I'd guess you have nice at the very very least. And they'll love all the computer wires.

From a psychologists point of view (not me but the one we see) family meals of a minimum of 30 mins are vital.
No one starts to eat until everyone is at table and served.
Everyone to prepare and clear up together.
No one gets to leave the kitchen for any reason until it's done. Takes between 5&10 mins including washing up, drying up and clearing and wiping table.

How ever much this seems like a shag you would be doing something of real value for your DCs future and their eventual kids futures.

ragged · 18/09/2019 20:35

Does he know where all that stuff should go, instead?

GeoffreyAndBungle · 18/09/2019 20:42

Your house = your rules.

So tell everyone no food upstairs and you all eat dinner together.

Simple!

DrCoconut · 18/09/2019 20:45

The OP's DS is 22. On any other thread people would be saying you can't police what adults do. I feel your pain, the computer, cans and stacked up anime boxes remind me of my sons room. He's 20 and has ASD and ADD. He needs help managing his room.

PrettyFlyF0rAWiFi · 18/09/2019 20:56

Yes I think you stepping in is the way to go here.

You really must enforce the no food upstairs thing though. Or rather - meet half way here for now... all meals to be had downstairs. No exceptions. Snacks such as a packet of sweets for example - allowed but rubbish must be put in the ever available carrier bag for daily disposal.

I make no judgements about the coke cans but he's drinking an awful lot. Could you try and wind this down ? So, no cans allowed in bedrooms? Bottles of water only ..

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 18/09/2019 21:27

On any other thread people would be saying you can't police what adults do.

I’ve never seen that on a thread where an adult is abusing the OPs home and inviting vermin in to it.

userxx · 18/09/2019 21:49

That's a lot of coke!! Surely that can't be good for him.

JorisBonson · 18/09/2019 22:31

I have never seen so many coke cans. His poor teeth.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/11/2019 12:51

Um.
So do you think his ADD actually contributes to the state of his room? Is it much worse than the rest of the house?
There is this useful twitter thread that explains why people with ADHD often can't do tasks - because they can't visualise what the end result would look like, so they can't work out how to get there. I realise your son is probably a bit old for this but maybe it will help you anyway - he needs to have a breakdown on exactly how to achieve tidiness e.g. "Put cans in recycling. Bring dishes and cutlery back downstairs and put in dishwasher. Pick dirty clothes off floor and put in laundry bin. Put clean clothes away where they belong" etc. etc.
If you can do this for him, it may achieve something - if he ever lives alone, he needs to know anyway, so it won't hurt.

On the other hand, he could just be an idle bum - which is harder to fix. :(

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