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Original poster

*Trigger warning* Assault - can't get past it and don't know what to do

26 replies

NotMyRealName11 · 31/08/2019 22:49

Changed name for this because I wouldn't want anyone to be able to identify me.

A few weeks ago, I was sexually assaulted - in broad daylight - when I cut down an alleyway on the way to the shops. It was two strangers who I had never seen before.

I didn't report it and I didn't tell anyone because I wanted to just forget about it. It was a kind of "if I don't talk about it and don't think about it, it didn't happen" kind of reaction.

But... I keep running over it in my mind and I am constantly getting these random fits of panic and paranoid fears. I am getting to the stage where I feel like I need help to deal with it.

I almost told my GP, but chickened out in the appointment. I have family, friends, a partner, a child, but I cannot bring myself to say it out loud to anyone.

Can anyone advise at all about what the best course of action would be? And what I should expect to happen if I go ahead with this?

Sorry to offload anonymously on the internet...a bit weird...but I just can't say the words out loud. Actually, it seems like I can't even type the one particular word.

Thx in advance xx

OP posts:
Original poster
NotMyRealName11 · 01/09/2019 08:14

I meant to say also, I know I should probably have reported it to the police, but I think it's too late now, and I'm worried that they'll be angry I did not do it sooner.

OP posts:
Mouthfulofquiz · 01/09/2019 09:18

I’m so sorry this happened to you - it’s horrendous. I’m sure the police would still want to hear about this, and you may be able to access some support in this way too.

Comps83 · 01/09/2019 09:22

You must report it
As much for yourself as for the next person they target
Perhaps write it all down and give the statement to the police if you feel you can’t talk out loud at the moment

Si1ver · 01/09/2019 09:23

I am sorry this happened to you. Shutting down and denying that it happened is a really common way of dealing with things.

The police will still want to know, if you feel up to telling them. If you can't say it out loud, would it help to write it down and give it to your partner to read?

Original poster
NotMyRealName11 · 01/09/2019 09:33

I just feel ashamed to tell my partner... I feel like it was my fault, that I should have tried harder to get away. But I was afraid and I just kind of froze.

I'm worried about having an STI and all that, too... But the worst thing is that I just feel so afraid now. I worry about it happening again and I can't sleep because it just keeps running over in my mind. I feel like such an idiot!

OP posts:
Original poster
NotMyRealName11 · 01/09/2019 14:00

Thank you, though, for taking the time to post and advise - I just need to stop being such a coward.

OP posts:
Comps83 · 01/09/2019 14:09

It’s very common for people who have been through similar to experience the emotions in your previous post
Please report this and take any counselling offered .

HollowTalk · 01/09/2019 14:13

Oh you poor thing. That sounds horrific. No wonder you've tried to block it from your mind.

Is it the sort of area where there might be CCTV?

The police won't be angry with you, don't worry about that. I think it would be a good idea to talk to Rape Crisis if you can. Will you have the chance to do that?

Si1ver · 01/09/2019 14:49

@NotMyRealName11 it's not your fault, it's the fault of the people who assaulted you. You did nothing wrong. Freezing up is a really common way of dealing with assault and rape. It's your bodies way of protecting you.

Please try and tell someone. There's support lines dedicated to helping people in your situation. Maybe you could start by showing your GP a version of your OP so you could get the sti element checked out and give you one less thing to worry about? Maybe once you've told one person you might feel more able to tell others.

Original poster
NotMyRealName11 · 01/09/2019 15:26

I have a GP appointment this coming week, so I'm going to try to bring it up then. Perhaps I will write it down in case I can't get the words out when I'm actually there! But I know that the STI element I do need to get checked, for the sake of being responsible, and I hope that if I can open up about it once I might then be able to do so again.

I don't think there is CCTV there, but I couldn't be sure. I did think about that. It was a short cut that I've taken often, but I haven't gone back there since and I don't want to go back again! I don't know if I am stupid or just a coward!

OP posts:
Footle · 01/09/2019 17:08

You are not stupid, you are not a coward, it was in no way your fault. If you can't bring yourself to tell anyone , that's your privilege. But no one close to you will know why you've changed as a person , and that's not fair on you or on them.
And meanwhile , these men may have done it again. Which would be their fault , not yours.

Original poster
NotMyRealName11 · 01/09/2019 17:17

I know, and that's why I think I have to try.

I think people can see the difference in me and I feel bad that they don't understand why. I feel so out of control of my feelings (ha, not a very good sentence). I keep having these random fits of crying and panic and it's just "not me".

OP posts:
MmmBlowholes · 01/09/2019 18:33

I know it's super scary and I'm so sorry you've had to go through it but I hope you will consider reporting it - it could prevent other women from going through it.

Harriett123 · 01/09/2019 18:39

I would advise ringing the rape crisis centre. Then the first time you say it out loud it's still anonymous. They will not force you to do anything but will advise you to come in for counselling when you are ready. They are trained experts in this area and will realy help you. They will also talk through reporting it if you chose to. They can also help with how to talk to loved ones when you feel ready.
I can't post a number because they are regional so depends on where you are but a quick Google search should get you the number.

Original poster
NotMyRealName11 · 01/09/2019 18:42

What I found in London is what's called The Havens, is that the same thing do you think?

OP posts:
Harriett123 · 01/09/2019 18:45

Im sorry I'm not sure what havens is. This is the rape crisis centre national website rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/find-a-rape-crisis-centre/
If you enter your post code in this it should give you a local branch with a number

MrsBertBibby · 01/09/2019 18:46

Alternatively, the Samaritans would be somewhere you can say it.

When I was assaulted, I quite literally buried it, after a day or so. I was 18, on my gap year in Queensland in 1987, and I felt it was completely my own fault for making myself vulnerable. So wrong, but so normal : your response is completely normal, and you are 100% not to blame.

It is not your duty to do anything but look after yourself. Talking about it is IMO vital, but you must choose your audience.

Original poster
NotMyRealName11 · 01/09/2019 18:48

@Harriett123 Yes, the Havens seem to be part of that - thank you!

I just feel like I'm guilty of "enabling" because I've done nothing... if anyone else had the same experience after, it would be my fault for not reporting.

OP posts:
Si1ver · 01/09/2019 19:01

@NotMyRealName11 it will not be your fault if they assault someone else, it will be their fault. This is all their fault.

If you can report it that would a very brave thing to do.

Daffodil2018 · 01/09/2019 19:10

What happened is not your fault and the way you are feeling now is totally understandable. I think your idea of writing it down for your GP is a good one. It will mean you don't have to put it into words then and there.

I am so sorry that this happened to you and I hope you are able to get the help you need. You are not to blame in any way.

Harriett123 · 01/09/2019 19:29

Dont feel guilt. This is not your fault.

Original poster
NotMyRealName11 · 01/09/2019 21:17

Thank you - and I'm sorry for being so moany / needy / cowardly / indecisive!

OP posts:
Si1ver · 01/09/2019 21:39

You are not many or needy or indecisive. You're having a horribly shit time and it's totally ok to need to think about what you want to do next and talk it through.

longtompot · 01/09/2019 21:56

This is not your fault.
You didn't ask for this to happen to you.
You did nothing to cause this to happen to you.

The two people who assulted you are at fault.

You do need to report it. No one will be angry with you because you didn't do it straight away. If you can't get the words out, can you print off your original post on here? Even a screen shot and show that to your gp at your appointment. I would then show your partner it.

As you are finding, by trying to pretend it didn't happen isn't working. I imagine it could be the sort of thing that could eat you up.

All the best OP Flowers

Original poster
NotMyRealName11 · 01/09/2019 22:42

Thank you so much for your kind message. It does eat you up, that's a very good way of describing it. I just keep running through in my mind everything which I could have done differently! And I feel kind of...dirty, somehow.

I am just terrified that if I tell the GP they will involve social services and say that I'm not fit to look after my child. I know that's a bit crazy, but I kind of imagine that it could happen.

And I worry that if I tell my OH, he'll never feel the same about me again.

OP posts:
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