Dad needs help understanding loss of appetite for sex

[sumguyjoe]

I'm a bit lost for someone to talk to on this subject and wonder if it's okay to seek views.

My OH and I are early 40s, together 12 years and 2 DCs. We're happily married and very strong together but our sex life dwindled to once per month after lots of hinting from me, having been very active previously. We talked it through and my OH tells me she has no desire at all now. With our kids she took Setraline for around 3 years in total but it's been a long time since she stopped that.

We've tried to reboot things but it's now the same, only the hinting (begging) has really taken its toll on me and I'm now quite depressed about it, I suffer erectile problems on the rare occasions or premature ejaculation as it's such a rare thing. My OH is physically fit, active and healthy. She's got a great social life too. I'm now being irritable, gaining weight and suffering self-esteem problems and starting to feel unattractive. Separation or divorce just seems so unlikely as we're strong and supportive for each other in every other way and very focused parents.

She doesn't want to go to therapy and think some sort of desire will return but it's been 3 years now and I can't see a way through. What I can't help but think is how I reconcile having normal needs for me from a partner and not having those met with still being married. She always enjoyed sex before. I'm just at a loss on what I should do and if it's reasonable to expect a physical side to our relationship when she doesn't want that. Once every other month when I'm unable to perform I fear will only worsen my feelings around it.

Is this common? Is there a female perspective I am overlooking? Is there a way ahead I can't see right now? Thanks for any thoughts and sorry if that's TMD.

I don't normally respond on sex threads but a few things popped to mind to consider;

You say you're a strong couple but do you share the load evenly? It's an oft repeated concern on here that there is an unseen/unacknowledged division of labour in long term relationships which causes resentment

Do you touch her when it's not sexual? Hold hands, hug etc? My dh can be a right lummox since we had kids and would get too groapy. So a nice cuddle in the kitchen would end up with his hand on my arse when I was leaving for work. Pissed me right off but it was his way of showing he still wanted me. The great oaf.

Do you have time for sex. No kids, no work, no box set one of you wants to watch. Again my dh liked to kick things off in the morning when I had morning breath, needed a pee and could hear the kids squabbling. Not erotic.

Can she tell you why she won't try harder to fix this? Her reasons are valid and she should never feel
pressured but your feelings are valid too. Just waiting for it to get better seems unfairly passive.

Are you honest about how shit you are feeling? This is hard to balance without putting undue pressure on her but I'd feel awful if my dh was so unhappy and we couldn't be open about it.

We went through a good few years with a poor sex life. Fertility treatment killed it and young babies stamped on its grave.

We went through a tough time last year and identified the need to make time for each other (not sex wise, just in general) and in doing so have got the sex right back. It's taken effort and lots of talking and honestly (like telling him I need a wee before he starts anything). We are strict about making time for sex which doesn't work for everyone but does for us.

Best of luck. You aren't unreasonable but neither is she so you need to both want to fix this.

Agree with post above, especially the cuddles that turn into groping- big turn off.

Time for you as a couple is needed, date nights with no end agenda etc

Also finding out why your oh doesn’t see sex as an important part of your relationship? To me it’s the special glue that sets a couple apart from friendships

You should ask for this to be moved to relationships op, you will get more advice.

It could be the grind of daily life, as per theprev poster, your wife may have list her libido,but she may have become bored with daily life or her relationship with and her social.life is what is becoming her focus. Rather than want to say this, she is gently pushing you away until you are the one that ends things so it doesn't look bad in her. Hopefully not a correct assumption but it may need you to have a few tough conversations.

Hope it's solvable op but there might not be an easy resolution

I really, really feel for you. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, it sounds incredibly destructive.

My first question in these circumstances is always, what contraception are you using? Most of them are a bit of a turnoff but hormonal ones can completely kill off libido.

When did things really change? Can you chart ups and downs in your intimacy and things that happened alongside them? Big problems appeared in our sex life for me when dh made a one-off remark that I was quite loose post birth and he couldn't feel much. I was unable to get past this for several years, and tbh I forced myself to have sex a lot which was misery and did leave a scar. I did eventually make myself ask whether it was still a problem, and he apologised for having said it, but never said positively that it was better. Time eventually improved things but I will never forget it.

How is intimacy between you - holding hands, kissing, snogging on the sofa, arms round each other, a naked cuddle before sleep? If those things are in place, I think there is hope personally.

I also don't think it's OK for anyone to refuse therapy. If your partner's unhappy, why would you not? Ask her again; research therapists, make a provisional appointment, ask her and say very strongly that you love her but you need things to change.

Thanks @Gamorasgran, that's really helpful and much for me to reflect on. What I would say is that we both work hard but in different ways. She doesn't work (a choice for now) and I do but also do what I can at home to keep balance.

We do have physical contact but not a lot and I may have done the hug to grope thing once or twice but it's not my norm. She seems happy to have that contact but not so much a kiss on the lips.

We do make time but she finds a way to avoid sex. The time I let it all go and ask how she felt was when the perfect opportunity to make love came and she made it clear she wasn't for it and went off to bed to watch a boxset on her own.

She knows it makes me feel bad but I told her I wouldn't beg any more as it was humiliating each time she said no so I'm now a bit at a loss to say anything without her thinking it's a thread I'm pulling for sex.

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

How old are your kids? Are you getting enough sleep?

ask how she felt was when the perfect opportunity to make love came

Does she get down time? Because the perfect opportunity to make love might also be the only chance to slob out.

Thanks @TemporaryPermanent, that's all really helpful. We were always natural contraception and that continues. I can't pin it down but certainly it wasn't at start of post-natal depression or childbirth, and I rack my brains for how my own behaviour has influenced this but can't pinpoint that either. I'm not perfect but I try hard, I recognise how she feels and I'm always there when she needs me. We have a comfortable but not easy life and I make sacrifices for what's important to her like getting out to exercise. I'll reflect further.

Is she on any birth control at all? Hormonal ones can knock the libido right off the cliff. I had a mirena iud and it reduced my sex drive by about 90% - happened to a couple of friends as well

That aside, counselling when one partner is unhappy is vital.

Yeah this sounds bad. If she's avoiding any sort of physical intimacy that's no basis for things to change. I will admit to some nasty dry spells with dh (though I think a patch of once every three weeks was as bad as it ever got, and I'm not defending that) but we did always stay quite tactile and huggy.

What would happen if you just held her in your arms for a long time while you chatted? In the kitchen, say? For about five minutes?

Actually, is she afraid of pregnancy? I was so terrified of getting pregnant when ds was small that even though we were using contraception I basically wouldn't have intercourse (dh was equally terrified!) - we did other things though. A vasectomy sorted that out, though the high level of complications on the NHS website wasn't so publicly available then.

Why are people responding to this? 🙄. Hairy hands comes to mind - don’t feed it.

@LovesNettles no birth control at all. I feel it's too much to push the therapy point just yet as she's shut it down as something that will fix itself and I don't think she wants to be put under any microscope. I respect that. I don't know if she talks to others about it. I tried to talk to a friend and got the sense that dips are common but bounces back quickly.

@HisonaruHussy thanks for your views. I'm in tears at the moment just so you know. Your context may make you think that's okay but I think you'd be unsupported in that view.

@TemporaryPermanent I don't think pregnancy would ever be a concern and we do the hugging a lot. Not 5 minutes but enough. It's natural and easy and we both like it but intimacy seems a world away.

@sumguyjoe I really don’t care and have reported this thread.

@TemporaryPermanent@Gamorasgran@MrsTerryPratchett@ivykaty44@JoyceDivision@HelloJuly@Sadiesnakes thanks for the support and respect. I'll ignore the accusations of being a sex pest from others.

I may have done the hug to grope thing once or twice but it's not my norm.

And buggar off with this too. Sex pest.

I'm wondering how you see this being linked with the lack of sex " I'm now being irritable, gaining weight and suffering self-esteem problems and starting to feel unattractive."?
Do you have hobbies, friends etc and go out and get exercise? Those things are important for your own self esteem.
Or are you saying because you aren't having enough sex these things are caused by that.

@Hisonaruhussy If this was a woman's post would you feel the same? This should be a Forum for all, no?

The OP was no doubt sat pleasuring himself at the replies. I have no issue with a forum where everyone is welcome, what I do have an issue with is someone posting at 10pm on a Friday night in the manner they did. I’m actually surprised the thread is still up.

And I'm surprised you haven't been banned for trolling, HisonaruHussy. Talk about derailing a thread that might have made a constructive difference IRL for a struggling couple. As OP said, you might have a personal context for this attack but if that's actually the case then you might want to work on your unhelpful projections instead of blindly running down well-meaning people who don't have anything like the agenda you accuse them of.