I feel like not a proper woman because I can’t have sex

[vaginismusworry]

I’ve had vaginismus since I can remember - I was assaulted at a young age and had chronic problems down below . Had an upbringing that contributed as well as through no one’s fault have landed up with strong beliefs that having a sexuality is dirty/wrong and harmful .

I can’t use tampons , and I’ve never had sex . On a bad day I even find it difficult to pee and have been taught to catheterise to help with the spasms .

GP surgery suggested psychosexual therapy a few years ago but I couldn’t cope - it was a man and he just wanted to know if I masturbate regularly and wanted me to keep a diary of when I do and how I do . I couldn’t bring myself to talk about that with anyone .

Other NHS suggestion was having pelvic floor physio but it was too intimate and sore - 45 minutes of having myosfacial massage thing , it was horrible .

I’m a lesbian so not having intercourse doesn’t worry me but I would like some sort normal .. eg be able to use a tampon and to be able to be intimate even if not PIV .

I feel like I am defective and only half a woman . Gynae told me once that I am being silly and I should try to just force myself to get over it ... I did try with the dilators they offered - ended up vomiting and bleeding as so sore . Tried to use a tampon and blasted thing got skin stuck in the applicator somehow .

I haven’t got a stuffing clue how to sort of start fixing things or who to ask . There doesn’t seem to be anyone out there for this sort of thing . I have a new GP and dithering over asking her but concerned she will say the same as everyone else - just get over myself . Not sure what’s best to do , sorry .

With tampons you could try the regular size without applicator (lillets it own brand) they are very thin (so quite useless capacity wise) but a starting point if you want to try again, my DD's started with them and worked up to higher absorbency. I've never got on with applicators. Just a thought

Hi OP.
Sorry for your pain and anxiousness. I don't have any advice, but have you seen the article on the bbc today?

www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/295423a4-dbd4-4277-af2c-7843f794eb7f

I didn’t but that’s sort of how things are for me - like a bit of skin at the back at that feels incredibly tight and sore . I remember asking a GP if it was normal years ago , she said it was but it would likely rip quite badly if I had children . She did say my hymen definitely wasn’t there . I don’t know what I should be looking for with a hymen anyway . I have had speculum exams under anaesthetic so I’d suppose it broke then .

I’ve got the tiny little teen tampons but even they hurt - like I am pushing past a brick wall .

Just wish there was an easy answer sort of .

I read your title and it struck such a chord with me.

I had vaginismus for most of my adult life. I lost every boyfriend I ever had, I never spoke to anyone about it and carried it around with me like a huge secret. I was so ashamed.

Then I decided to take the bull by the horns and went to sex therapy (on the NHS). They gave me dilators of varying sizes and eventually I learned how to have sex.

I am now in a relationship. I'm not going to lie, I am still not mad keen on sex but it's a lot better than it was.

I tried lots of things before going to see the therapist but the fact is that you have to face up to it and face your biggest fear in order to conquer it. I took the view that things couldn't get any worse than they already were and I had nothing to lose. To be honest, I didn't expect it to work.

Sorry, posted too soon.

If you had vomiting and bleeding from the dilators you were rushing. My therapist had me start of just clencing my pelvic floor muscles for a month, before even starting anything else.

Before that I had been attempting to cure myself by drinking wine and trying to shove a massive cock-shaped dildo up there. She said that was "too much too soon"!

Good luck. I know exactly how you feel.