Elderly mother drama

[Daisy164]

Hi

Am I being completely unreasonable to think my mother is being overly dramatic because she enjoys it?

My mum is 79, she isn't in the best health but she still lives completely independently and lives a full life.

My dad died 5 years ago and to this day she hasn't shed a single tear. If I have a moment she is quick to say that he was her everything and how much she misses him yet we were having a clear out last weekend as she is moving and I found a bag of framed photos of my dad and my children in the dustbin.

I do a lot for mum, I take care of all of her finances, arrange everything for her, am on hand to fix anything that goes wrong and offer support to her day in day out, all happily and without recourse, she's my mum!! We go for days out, go shopping, all sorts.

What I can't handle is the constant drama. If I pop round I get a barrage of how awful everything is for her and the latest medical problems. She won't ask how the children and I are until she's told me that she may die soon (she won't!).

If I don't ring for a day I get told "I thought you were dead" or "have I fallen out of favour with you". I speak to her or see her nearly every day and live in the next street. Sometimes I need a day without hearing the negativity. My sister missed a day of calling last week and I was told she must be "dead in a ditch".

I saw her yesterday and she proceeded to dramatically tell me that her health is deteriorating rapidly and she has to have "urgent tests" because she (forgive me) has a discharge. She says she thinks it's cancer. Why tell me this?? I am very supportive but let's go and have the tests and see what is said. I've googled the possibilities and cancer isn't high on the list. My father had cancer and I watched him go through hell before overcoming it. Is it ok for her to say this to me?!

She is moving into a supported living scheme next week and I am doing everything for her, organising the refurb, packing, sorting the move, utilities, shopping needed, everything. She tells me the move will kill her and she probably won't live long enough to benefit from it. Yet she constantly complains about the stairs in her current home and how I need to understand that they will kill her, her new one has no stairs for this reason.

At every opportunity she tells people how terrible her health is, it really isn't. How terrible her life is, she says to me on a good day how grateful she is for the life that she has. She has a lovely home, soon to be lovelier, she has money, is surrounded by her family and we live in a beautiful place. Yet when things are really good things suddenly become dramatic again, almost like we must have some drama.

She didn't have a brilliant upbringing, very privileged but lacked affection, went to boarding school, alcoholic mother then suffered some psychological problems and had an eating disorder for a number of years. Not a week goes by when my sister and I are not reminded of when she had anorexia and was in a mental hospital. She has bad memories of Xmas from her own childhood so reminds us every year despite us saying it is time to make new memories with her grandchildren albeit in small steps.

She just seems to thrive on the drama and attention. Is this normal when you get to a certain age? I've done nothing but be there for my mum for the past 40 years and will continue to do so but the negativity is soul destroying.

I'm a single mum myself and I work 2 jobs, my own health isn't fantastic since I had a car accident last November but we crack on with it don't we.

I'm a naturally positive person and live my mum dearly. Someone please tell me that this is normal!!!!

Hi OP,
I can identify with some of this. My DM is a similar age and was widowed 5 years ago too. Having had someone by her side for 40 years who would have her back through anything, she feels very insecure now.

If I am out of touch for a couple of weeks she assumes she has done something to offend me (which is crazy, we have never fallen out or gone nc for any length of time)

She worries a lot about strange things and often assumes the worst. She gets very stressed about things like traveling alone or small things which need to be fixed.

We don't have the drama element but she has never likes drama. She does like a good game of 'Guess who is dead' though.

I just think it is really hard for people who are starting to feel vulnerable anyway to lose their partner.

When mum was really struggling, I would write positive things on a post it before I called her so I would have a bit of good news to counteract each negative thing which I think helped us both. Our calls are much more positive now and I don't need to do it anymore.

Hang in there OP, your mum is still there, she is probably just feeling a bit lost at the moment

I'm a single mum myself and I work 2 jobs, my own health isn't fantastic since I had a car accident last November but we crack on with it don't we

I think the problem is the complete imbalance in your life and hers. You need to change your life so that your list is, ........ do something for me, do something for me, do something for DCs, call on DM, next day do something for me, do something for me ...........etc

Then when she complains or moans it will be like water off a ducks back because your mind is on the next fun thing you are about to do for you.

I can only see her getting more selfish as she ages so at some point you need to start to make your life better and ignoring the resulting moans.

I have some of this only a bit different. My mother is not the person she was when she was younger. Now she is bitter, moans about everything from politicians to the neighbours to the woman in the shop. She is also rude to everyone, including people she has never met before and a bigot.

I sometimes don’t recognise this woman who when younger was fun, interesting, loving and kind and caring.

It’s hard getting old.

Some people are just very negative. My dad is 82 and not in great health but he never, ever complains or moans about it. Your mum would drive me mad OP!

My DGM was like this when widowed, my poor DF made the difficult decision to reduce how much time he spent with her because of the impact on his own health. I don't think people in this situation really change.

Does your head in doesn't it? My mother is always going on about dying, dead people, other people's ailments and how they will die from them. She even went on for 2 hours about the dog that died in a house fire. The woman survived, but the shock of losing her dog would no doubt do her in.

Bloody old people, eh? Can't live with them, can't shoot them.

Reading these posts just confirms to me that my grief at losing my husband is too irritating for my daughters to deal with. That is why I have chosen to distance myself. They do not need to see my unhappiness and can get on with their lives. Unless you have lost your 'person' you have no idea.

Honestly, I think you're a saint.
Just because you are related doesn't mean you need to put up with that, it's emotionally draining.
My mother is only in her early 60s and rarely sees the bright side in anything, takes great pleasure when things are difficult for others and is generally unpleasant to be around.
I decided to take a step back and as a result haven't spoken for almost a year. Hell mend her if anything happens to my dad, they've managed to alienate everyone from their lives so I'm afraid I won't be stepping up to sort them out.
It sounds callous but your mum sounds very selfish too, perhaps take a (small!) Leaf out of her book and be sure to look after yourself.

Have you told her? Can you sit down with her and explain how you feel?

I think sometimes people get into a pattern of behaviour that they can’t get out of- and it needs someone to break the cycle.

No not normal at all. Was she like this when your father was alive ?

Hi

She's always been like it to be honest but my dad took the brunt of it and shielded me from it. I've tried to speak to her but I get an emotional backlash.

The comment about not being able to handle the grief and never understanding it until you have lost your person, I think that's a bit unfair as this is not related to mum losing dad, she has always been this way. I sat with my dad for 8 days in the hospital and never left his side as I didn't want him to die alone( he had a huge stroke). I held his hand when it happened, stroked his head and when I'd composed myself I drove to mum and broke the news to her. In the aftermath I then found the strength to leave my abusive ex husband and all the chaos that ensued so I think I'm well placed to get this. I would never criticise my mum for grieving the loss of my dad but this isn't about that.

I'll get phone calls at 6am to tell me how awful her nights sleep was, if I mention that I was asleep I will get, oh well!! She will grumble that feeling tired in the afternoon isn't normal and that there must be something terribly wrong so I usually say perhaps it's time to not get up at 5am every morning and perhaps take things a bit more steady!! 🤦‍♀️

I don't mean to moan, I love my mum very much but shes driving me crazy!!!

Thanks for the feedback everyone, it's good to know it's not an isolated case!!!

There is no shame in a person in this situation feeling intense grief but it's better to find another outlet than their child.

My DM is elderly and frequently complains to me about her group of friends "all they do is go on about their illnesses!"

My DM has been v ill and tried v hard to die 3 times a couple of years ago, luckily pulled through, and is sympathetic but also wants to have conversations about grandkids, the weather, nice meals, knitting - normal stuff. She finds it wearing.

So I'm guessing it is a trend for some older people.

(Some) elderly people become incredibly selfish and single mindedly 'ever decreasing circles' in their lives

I have learnt extraordinary levels of patience and tolerance in the last 10 years

Is it right that (some) elderly people are so self centred?

No - but I see no way to change them so I simply accept and TRY to see the funny side

And I pray hard that I never ever grow to be that way

My DM is just like yours, negativity runs through her veins. Recently after hearing for the thousandth time she wasn't long for this world, I said "Best you show me what you want to wear in your coffin then"
I then told her I loved her very much but her constant negativity was draining me. Things have been better since then.
Perhaps a frank and honest chat is needed.

My Mum’s been dying(in her head) for the last 10 years. She’s had every test under the sun, and won’t take medication to help her mentally. So much I could post but it’s just too depressing. Like a pp said she’s just not the mum I had when I was younger. DH keeps reminding me there’s only so much I can say/do and I need to step back for my own sake. It’s fucking hard and depressing.