What is this thing he does...and how can we stop it?

[Bohbell]

DH has this thing where he suddenly yells out at the slightest bit of alarm - even over really petty things - which sounds pretty harmless I know, but in fact can be really irritating and actually causes me in particular a lot of distress.

It can be anything really - if he nearly trips over the dog for instance he'll give out a loud, sharp shout which is totally overboard and unnecessary. If one of the kids spills a drink, it's a loud 'YOP!' battle cry which paralyses everyone and turns a tiny incident into a massive deal.

For instance, last night DS was opening a cake in a wrapper. He's only 10 so was a bit heavy handed with it and squished it a bit, to which DH gave a loud 'NO!' to stop him in his tracks because - he says - DS was in danger of 'ruining it'. That then just put a complete a downer on what was up to that point a nice family dinner as we all fell silence and my poor DS just backed away from the cake.

I was seething. He does this a lot. I have my suspicions he has mild Aspergers anyway just due to his lack of empathy.

Can anyone shed any light on this really annoying trait and what I might be able to do to stop it? I have tried and tried to get him to stop, but he denies he's doing anything wrong and just says he's trying to stop a bad situation occurring or from getting any worse.

My son has Apergers but those with the condition not all the same.

But your DH's behaviour is very strange indeed. He must be very anxious to feel the need to shout in that way. Or could it be that he has some form of Tourettes?

But I think you have to take matters in hand for the sake of your children as well as yourself. Imagine how stressed and anxious they are not knowing when he is going to bark at them!

Maybe you should try and record his behaviour. Maybe if you could play it back to him out of the blue, he might recognise the negative impact on his children and you and try and get checked out by his GP to find out the cause.

When I'm taken by surprise I do tend to over react and sometimes make a loudish noise . I wish I didn't as it can be embarrasing .Being very honest ,although I am v jumpy ,I think it has become a habit/ingrained behaviour .If I worked at it I feel I might be able to tome it down.

But your DH sounds as though he's over reacting when he's taken unawares and when he's responding to something .

Have you had a chat with him ,would he agree to try and tone it down ? If he really has no control over it then I think he should seek help via GP.

My partner (well ex, but still living together due to circumstances) does this. He has a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome.

He feels completely justified in shouting out and thinks we are all too sensitive or unjustly criticising him. He cannot understand why it shocks/frightens/mortifies us (especially when it happens in public). Other people have commented on it, so I know I'm not over reacting myself. I'm sure he can't help it (although he's never tried to) but it's turned me into a bag of nerves. The kids have been affected too.

Sorry no advice, but you're not alone. It's horrible to live with

My DH has a tendency to shouted exclamations. It is annoying and distracting, however we mostly ignore him and I remind him about what happened to the little boy who cried wolf.

Both my parents do this. It's bloody annoying. I don't know what the answer is, but I sympathise. If he has other symptoms of anxiety beta blockers might help, but it is probably overkill just for shouting and yelping.

I have done this a bit in the past and it’s always been a sign that I’m either very anxious, extremely tired, have something playing on my mind that I need to get out or a combination of all three.

I always felt awful for overreacting and have worked over time on managing my anxiety/tiredness/tendency to bottle things up.

My Dad also does this. With him I think of it hand in hand with a tendency to blame innocent accidents on someone (other to him), and a disinclination to apologise for his own silly mistakes. It seems like an extreme dislike of things going wrong or getting things wrong.

I agree with TofsIan, it does sound like an inability to cope with the unplanned, the accidental, the potentially chaotic. Often a tendency to overreact so alarmingly stems from having been pretty strictly forbidden to make mess as a child, or do anything as human as make a mistake. An intense (or extreme) inner vigilance is internalised by the child and becomes highly sensitized to trigger points, like in your examples OP and some of the examples others have described.

It might be useful to gently, carefully probe your DH to find out what the atmosphere at home was like in his childhood regarding the freedom to be a child, ie. make messes or get dirty or be naturally boisterous and verbal. What does he remember of the messages he got about potential accidents, and was he perhaps overly protected from bumps and falls, etc? His OTT alarmism about the potential for 'bad' situations or every day risks to become catastrophic could well be a compulsive need to rescue and control and although well-intentioned has the unfortunate impact of making others less able to develop their own resilience to potential risks, which we all must be encouraged to do if we're to be effectively independent. (I'm thinking more there about your DC, of course.)

I'm not surprised his outbursts make you anxious, since that over-developed 'vigilance' is physiologically related to the adrenal functions and can set off disturbances in the adrenal glands of others when they're over-exposed to 'alarm bells'. I know you doubt his ability to empathise much but if he's at all reasonable I'd suggest finding a quiet few moments to air these suggestions with him and ask him to reflect on how he might consider being more mindful of the anxiety he causes others by being on such a permanent hair trigger. A short course of CBT could be very useful, if there's any possibility he would consider it for the health of the family and your relationship.