I don’t remember a time in my life when I’ve not been physically and emotionally exhausted.
It doesn’t help that I can’t fall asleep without watching something.
I am at my wits end, I feel like I can’t function anymore.
I’ve got two children 3&4, for the last year they’ve been sleeping perfectly (unless ill or having night terrors now and again) but for the majority of it they are asleep by 6:30 and wake up at 6:30.
I myself try to get up to bed at 8:30 but sometimes I have coursework to do so twice a week 10/11. I wake up at 6:30. Unless I’m doing coursework I’m asleep by 9:30. I cannot not watch something on my phone, I’ve tried music and audiobooks and even silence but it takes me hours for my mind to switch off if I do this.
I wake up in a shit mood everyday, I can’t hold down a job because I’m so tired, I feel disgusted in myself and so lazy but it feels debilitating.
I’m so snappy and my DP has said in an argument that I’m always grumpy.
I’ve been that way my whole life, I can’t seem to fake happiness.
I fight with myself to just smile and that will cheer me up but I feel so down all the time.
I have anxiety, I was on anxiety meds but I really didn’t sleep well. Went to the doctors and got given diazepam but that kept me up also, did not make me drowsy one bit.
I feel like if I went to the doctors and said I was tired they’d just laugh at me.
I’m not taking any pills at the moment.
I should also add that I used to smoke weed and rather than make me sleepy and chilled it actually made me hyperactive, it also made me want to commit suicide and self harm, as well as angry and slightly crazy.
I’ve tried a few other drugs which made me become this crazy, suicidal and hyperactive person. It brought the worst out in me. (I don’t touch any illegal drugs now, I don’t even drink much at all, I was a troubled teen)
Drinking also used to make me suicidal and I even ran in front of a car once and got committed overnight.
I’ve tried to commit suicide (sober) more times than I can count.
Since having my kids I’m completely torn. I cannot leave them, I love them so much I just couldn’t do it. But me being here, is that doing any good to them? I’m tired and down all the time and I wish I could be better for them, do better. The days I’m happy my god I wish they would last, I feel on top of the world. I have these days where I just boss everything, the housework, doing errands and just being bloody happy.
What is so wrong with me that I can’t just be happy and not feel so drained all the time?
Every time I’ve gone to the doctors about how I feel I end up down playing it in fear of being sectioned or I just feel okay by the time the appointment has come around. I can’t bare my heart out to my DP, never mind a stranger.
I was on the waiting list for counselling (1yr) and 6 months in I said I was feeling fine, take me off the list. It was so stupid in hindsight but when it’s going good I don’t want to ruin it (it never lasts though)
There’s also a great deal of childhood trauma that if I tell someone about I think I would literally cry myself to death.
I have extreme anxiety about going to the doctors, my implant had been expired for 2 years before I plucked up the courage to go.
Can anyone shed light on what to do from here? I can’t function like this anymore and I want it all to just stop.
I’m really not sure whether posts like these are allowed, if they are and it stays up, thank you if you’ve read this far.
(Not sure if this is the right section either)