70yrs looking after 97yr Old Mum

[Ladyessex1]

Jus wondered if anyone else is in my position caring after an elderly Mum.
I can't get out much let alone a holiday as a break, Mum won't have anyone else care for her.

I'm not in your situation, but I know of people who are and I'd advise you to get help as soon as possible.

There are at least two issues here; one is your mother's refusal to have anyone else care for her, and the other is your own wellbeing. I'm assuming when you say "Mum won't have anyone else care for her" that you mean she's not prepared to accept care from someone else? Or do you mean you don't have anyone whose help you could enlist?

If she's refusing outside help then I'm sorry but somehow she has to recognise that you're entitled to a life of your own. So many women - and it's almost always women - end up in this sad situation which continues until their own health suffers. Is there anyone - eg GP or community nurse, another relative - who would speak to her about the situation? Is she capable of looking after herself at all, or is she entirely dependent on you for everything?

I know there used to be an organisation called Crossroads in Scotland, where I live. Not sure whether it still exists but it provided volunteers to sit with elderly people for a few hours while the carer had a break. That wouldn't be much but it would be a start.

I think you need to speak to your own GP, actually. Tell her/him that you're running out of steam and that you can't continue without help. I'm afraid in the current climate that as long as you appear to cope, you'll be left to get on with it.

Take care

I see this all the time in my line of work.

You need to explain to your mum that its not just about her lol, there's you to consider as well, and you can't give round the clock care 365 days a year so she's going to have to consider paid care, end of.

We'd all like to be cared for by guilt tripping our nearest and dearest into providing free care!

It reminds me a bit of when old people become hard of hearing and refuse to have a hearing aid . Hello, it's not just about yourhearing, its about people getting fed up shouting and repeating themselves.

In short, you need to spell it out to her and be more assertive.

Try the 'elderly parents' thread, it's in other stuff. Loads of help, support and tactics in there

How much care does she need? Is she bedridden, confined to the house, stuck downstairs? Is she able to get out at all? You do need to make other arrangements and present them to her as a fait accompli. It's hard, but she will accept it when she realises there is no other option. Start by putting someone in place to sit with her while you go out and do something you want to do - church, walk, gym, shop, library, sit on a bus etc. You can build up from there.

It's so difficult, I know several people who are in or have been in your situation. It's hard to comprehend that your parents may still be alive when you're quite old yourself. A friend of ours lived in the south of France and often had to make the journey back to Aberdeen because her 97 yr old mother demanded her presence for often a spurious reason, imagined illness or personal admin problem. Friend was into her 70s by that time.

I am in your situation but the other way round! DH and I are in our 70s and are caring for our DS 20, he is deafblind and Cerebral palsy, our DD is 13 has a rare chromosome, both are tube fed and DD has a very active colostomy. We are both tired most of the time despite DD getting respite 5 nights a month. Yes we are old to have 2 young ones blame Social Services who encouraged us to adopt.Can't offer any advice just a shoulder to cry on.
Your Mum is very lucky to have you. Good luck.

Sorry you are going through this. As PP have already said, it might sound harsh but you really, really need to prioritise your own needs, in order to be able to continue to support your mother.

Come and join us over in the 'elderly parents' , there is a long running thread with v v knowledgable and supportive people.