Friend has cancer, good suggestions for support?

[Footdrama]

One of my close friend’s has breast cancer, diagnosed 3 weeks ago. We are like chalk and cheese but have a wonderful friendship. I have been supporting her but she has had a few setbacks and needs a further operation next week.

So, I’ve just been myself and followed her lead, some days we talk about it others not at all. She pops round for tea, stays a few hours - we’ve been out a few times and had a good time. We are also away for a night this coming weekend. She is really looking forward to it and so am I.

However, I feel like I should be helping her more, or doing more. But then I feel like no, let her dictate and go with the flow. So if she is upset I comfort her, if she wants to talk then we talk, and other times we just have a laugh. I’m struggling with being aware of the situation and it’s always there, and then when I feel upset I feel selfish as if I’m making it about me.

I don’t actually really know what I’m asking here for; also what one person finds helpful another will find irritating. I guess there isn’t a right or wrong way then? I realise that I overthink everything (and this irritates me too).

Have I got this all wrong? I tell her I’m here for her, that I love her and that’s it, (no advice etc) I also did odd jobs after her op, and drove her around as she couldn’t for 2 weeks. But it still feels lacking.

Sorry to ramble....

You’re doing fine. Just carry on doing what you are doing. One of the things that helps is to just be normal with someone. Because some people struggle to know what to say and either avoid the person altogether or sit crying or say weird things. I think that mostly someone would prefer life to carry on as normal as much as possible. A person who has had a cancer diagnosis can react in different ways. For example, when a close family member was diagnosed they presented as being very positive and would only talk about positive outcomes. And that was them all over. I found that difficult as times as I dealt with it differently. I had to talk with people outside the family for my own support. When my close friend was diagnosed she became very stressed and depressed. She is a very positive person and it was difficult for others to deal with. I found I could help because I have lots of experience with stress and depression and know that talking about it helps so I was happy to listen. I also helped by doing jobs around the house. There’s only so much you can do. One of the main difficulties in dealing with cancer is the uncertainty. And most people have to learn to live with the uncertainty for a long time. It takes a while to learn to live with it.
Find someone in real life who you can talk to for your own support.

When my friend was ill with cancer I made sure I always 'dumped out'. My feelings and fears about her illness only went out over to my other friends and family never in over. We were normal with each other talking normal shit and I never started a conversation with her illness. Her husband recently told me that she valued my approach hugely. I've only once talked to her about how I felt with her and that was many years later. I don't think we ever need that conversation again. Don't be afraid to ask others to support you to support your friend. I didn't and it took an emotional toll on me. That's probably the only thing I'd do differently with experience

Thank you for the replies. It’s helpful to hear other experiences.
I think the uncertainty is the part she is struggling with, as when she went to her appointment they had mixed up some of her results. Plus they have already done a lumpectomy (which ended up being 2 surgeries due to bleeding) - now they’ve said the cancer has been found in the surrounding tissue. So her treatment plan has changed.

Hi, I'm sorry this is happening to your family.
It sounds like you are doing the right things.
What helped me was knowing that I could call on people when I needed them - calling my mum to finish my dcs tea off because I couldn't stand up or a neighbour at three am because I needed to go to hospital and I was loathe to call an ambulance.
What didn't help was empty promises which, when I was so low I actually tried to claim I was told "sorry too busy"....
So be honest with yourself and her about how much support you can give xxx

Family should read friend.