I have always been an optimist, tried to be positive, my husband has previously accused me of living in a bubble but that’s because he suffers a lot from stress, negative thoughts and feelings of inadequacy, so I have had to try and be strong and positive for him, the children, and also so that I don’t get dragged down by his negativity. Although this can sometimes be exhausting, I want to say that my problem isn’t my husband, he is a loving and kind husband and father, but I suppose it doesn’t help my issue.
Last year, my dad had a series of health problems that pretty much wrote him off for the year. He suffers from a chronic back condition that has meant he has struggled to maintain as much of an active life as he would wish for the last 20 years really (he loves sports and enjoys diy etc), but last year was a bad joke and we were all happy to see the end of it, hoping that this year would be a fresh start. Unfortunately by March he had been diagnosed with a cancer that he had been free of for nearly 10 years. As a result he has had to have major surgery on his face and neck that have left him looking quite a different person, this has had a significant effect on him for obvious reasons. He is now having hormone therapy as the main form of treatment but this is having a huge effect on him in terms of fatigue, hot flushes, depression but he is struggling through as he has been told how beneficial and effective this treatment can be, although apparently many give up because of these side effects.
Typically of my dad, he decided to try walking football with a friend, to try and improve his mental and physical health. On his first game, he ruptured his Achilles, for the 4th time (the previous 3 times were all in the last 10 years, but on a different leg this time) This means that he is now pretty-much sofa bound for the next 3 months. For my parents, this is like an actual nightmare, they feel like they can’t take much more and after all of my dad’s operations this year, they were trying to battle on through the hormone treatment and were finally starting to book a few breaks. I worry about their mental health (and obviously my dad’s physical health) constantly.
Last year also, it came out that my sister had been alcohol-dependent to cover up depression and anxiety for the last 4 years. None of us, including her husband were aware of it, we all know she struggles with feelings of self-worth and confidence, but had no clue she was coping with it in this way. It was a huge shock to everyone. She is now managing this but I also constantly worry about her, and worry about my parents worrying about her. She has 3 children who I am very close to.
In January, my 8 month old was rushed to Bristol with an intussusception, which was resolved without surgery and he is now fine. I felt absolutely fine after he was poorly, I was just grateful he was ok, but I wonder now how much it did scare me. I get flashbacks quite a lot to the day it happened and if he has bad wind, or doesn’t want his dinner (he loves food) I will instantly in my head formulate an action plan for getting him to the hospital (who I will call, look after my DD etc). A 6 year old in our county died from it the other day after it was undiagnosed by 111, and this was the same as my DS, and I got incredibly angry about it which surprised me.
I work part time and my parents look after my DS (this gives me a lot of guilt) Because of school drop off for DD and then dropping DS off, I am late into work every day, and then I work from home on my other two days in order to pick up my DD from school (she tried after school club and didn’t cope, she already does 1 day there). I owe a lot of time back to work, despite working late in the evenings and at weekends when I have the energy. My manager is amazing and has said she is fine with how everything is going, but I worry that my colleagues resent me for it. I have had to have a lot of time off to take my dad to hospital appointments too.
Recently I have started to feel continuously low. I cry a lot, for no reason, e.g. in the car. I feel overwhelmed with worry for everyone in my life. My life feels out of control, I really hate my work situation as I’m never actually in work for a full day, ever. The feeling of being low and crying makes me even more upset and stressed, I don’t want to be like this and feel that there is no room in my family for me to be like this, there needs to be one of us who is coping with life! Plus I am well aware that people have much much harder lives than me, where things are constantly thrown at them, they are on their own, don’t have family near by or a good marriage, or healthy children, I have all of these things. So should I be feeling this stressed and overwhelmed? I do know that through my family I have been through a lot, but feel that I should still just feel lucky to have them all and should just get on with things. I can’t really change any of the situations so any advice for getting through it and bucking myself up?