The Cold Light of Day

[TheSheepofWallSt]

I’m 30 and 2 years postpartum.

I have always had MH issues- managed without medication- and always struggled with my weight.

When I was 24 I had a really sticky patch with OCD - a friend recommended running, and it changed my life. I lost 5 stone, got down to 9st 7, BMI 20, and felt SO well, physically and mentally (albeit in hindsight possibly veering into orthorexia). I followed a clean whole foods diet and was glowing, always.

I’m now a single mother with little support (some hep watching the toddler from DM once a week) with a low paid but high pressure, stressful job in the charities sector. I’m skint (having previously been very well paid in my former career)- but I love my new industry and don’t want to quit. (This is all relevant.)

Today I looked in the mirror at my mothers house, naked. In the cold light of day.

I did not like what I saw.

I’m full of cold.
I need a Gabrielle fringe or eye patch-have conjunctivtis.
My skin is shit.
My hair is dry.
My teeth look yellow.
I look about 40- and rough with it.
My body feels weak.
My mental health has been declining over the last month too. (Post partum anxiety particularly bad these last weeks as I’ve stopped breastfeeding which has fucked my hormones).

And I could improve it ALL, I’m certain, if I built in 30 mins 5 days a week to exercise, started eating right again (currently subsist on toast, chocolate, French fries and cheese) took my omega 3 supplements, and drank some fucking water.

Re: mental health- I already have a psychotherapist who keeps me relatively stable (this month would have been impossible without her).

I wanted to start a thread so that I could come and chivvy myself along. I don’t want to forget today- today has been Stark- and I need to remember this moment as the moment I got back to “me” - as opposed to the work/mothering/housecleaning automaton who is failing herself- and by default will end up failing her son, with chronic ill health or a mental health crisis, eventually, if something doesn’t change.

Thank you if you’ve read this. Please send good energy

Just weighed myself.

11st5lb - BMI 25.9

That’s it. My definitive “this is out of hand” realisation.

As you've identified it's hard to make changes when life is busy and stressful. But it can be done with support, who have you got that could support you? And can you carve out any time to exercise eg walking to work?

@missy

DM has offered to watch DS for a few hours on a Saturday - but she can be quite prone to changing her mind last minute, so I prefer not to rely on her too much.

DS in nursery 4 long days a week- I think I could possibly squeeze in half an hour run after work, if I leave dead on 5, and plan my route to finish at the nursery.

It’s quite difficult to imagine that as adequate though - I used to work out 6-8 times per week (weights, PT, circuits, dance, boxing... you name it), for 2 hours at a time- was running up to 60k per week, placing in 10kms and so so so strong.

I can’t imagine ever getting back to that—and it makes me horribly sad- but anything would be better than this.