Name changed for this, I’ve recently name changed for so many different threads lately, if I put them all together you would get an idea of how just messed up I/things really are.
Not to go into too much detail but about 8 years ago I went travelling alone. One night I had been to a gig, I remember being drunk, really drunk. I went with a guy I met at the place we were staying, hostel type thing.
We somehow separated, I then remember meeting a much much older guy, he bought me a drink and I got to meet the band. For some reason I keep thinking he must have contacts/know certain people for us both to be able to go backstage?
I then remember being in his car, driving back to the hostel to collect my bag. From the snippets I remember, I think the plan was for me to stay with him?
Everything is such a blur but I must have passed out, the next thing I remember is waking up, it was daylight, we were laid in bed.
I remember he smelled really sweaty, a gross smell. I remember one other disgusting thing that happened once I woke. I can’t say what because I remember feeling so out of it but still present and getting involved in it?
I don’t know why I would do this! I must have been totally passed out for the whole night, I don’t know what happened in those hours.
I know it automatically sounds like rape but I don’t know/believe/think it was. I don’t kno anything. I must have been willing, to go and collect my things from the hostel?
I was with him all the next day, we went out into town, throughout the day I started sobering up. I remember the place I woke up wasn’t were we went back to? Maybe it was but I don’t think so.
I started to feel like I was no longer in a bubble and I literally, when he wasn’t looking, grabbed my bag and ran, for the subway back to the hostel.
I remember the receptionist asking what the hell I was doing? Telling me I can’t put myself in those situations. What if he had come to find me?
I don’t know what to do! This wasn’t in the uk and was 8 years ago. I’ve never ever forgot that time! It’s weird because some of my traveling days were the best of my life. I feel like a fraud and disgusting.
I put myself in that situation, I was so naive! I think this, amongst many many other things, has affected me more than I accepted. It’s affected my relationship to the point were he’s left.
What can I do, if anything? I hate feeling this way