Dear all, I'm a regular lurker on mumsnet and have been for some time. Posting for me is a big first step. I don't want to dredge up the whole long and arduous story but in short I have had a drink problem since i was about 14 and its peaked and troughed for 16 years since. I've managed to get married have two adorable children and establish a respectable career in that time. However, my demons always lurk there in the background. I go through periods of not drinking for several months (had no problem stopping whilst pregnant back to back with my two children) I don't drink that regularly, i've managed to cut it down up until now to just Friday nights. But on those friday nights i drink in the same 'alcoholic' way.gulping it down, craving more and more, can't leave a bottle empty, down one and on to the next one. Only to wake up riddled with guilty, anxiety and barely any recollection of the last part of the night. It changes my personality it does awful things to my mental health and sanity. I'm under no illusion that i don't have a drink problem. I most certainly do. I admit that. fully. I'm not comfortable with the word 'alcoholic' and i've tried AA in the past. I can see its successful for many followers but i personally found i left there more depressed than i walked in and find the idea of 'powerlessness' inconducive to the incentive of recovery. To add to this, i do secretly suffer from time to time with depressive/anxiety symptoms (but it's hard to see if they are isolated from my bouts of problem drinking)although truthfully i've always been a bit 'mad' if im honest. I work in the healthcare setting and as such mingle with Dr's, nurses etc and it gives me an unfortunate view of how these problems are perceived by some. I also have to be very careful what i divulge at my GP as it could severely affect my career. I'm being paranoid and defensive of course but i feel i must add, i am really good mum (one and perhaps only positive thing i will congratulate myself on) my willpower to stick to Fridays only is purely driven by the fact I want to be there for them. To compound problems my family don' t acknowledge mental health and see any such behaviours as 'attention seeking' so i can't gain support there. My husband, i strongly suspect has Asperger's. He too has a similar view. I tend to keep friendships at arms length a bit. I wish i didn't but i can't help it. Even then it's not something i wish to burden somebody with. So in a nutshell (god this is a big nutshell isn't it!) I just don't have any real prospect of suppport that i feel i can access. But i recognise i need some, hence why i'm here. So i guess what i'm looking for is just some words of encouragement? to hear some success stories of stopping drinking without AA/GP services? some understanding? thanks in advance for reading. Go easy on me - i despise myself enough already !!!