Really I just want to put this down in writing:
So in the past 2 years I've had 2 babies close together (12 months apart, youngest now coming up for 1) and I've taken quite bad postnatal depression since the second. I'm on medication for it, but to be honest I don't think it's doing much. I know I have to go back to the doctor about it, but the thought seems overwhelming - especially when I think I'd have to drag a baby and a toddler there and getting 3 of us ready and out the door is a struggle most days at best. On the days that DH is off work through the week I'm so tired that I just want to sleep and basically leave him to it. His days off are my days off essentially.
Now my 2 babies are full of life, full of energy and are what I consider (of course!) to be very intelligent 
So my days with them are spent trying to provide stimulating things for them to do and reading, and drawing and talking and singing and "teaching" (even if it means delegating to my thankfully physically supportive family who don't mind taking ONE of them at a time) I love those children to tiny pieces but they're at odds with my introvert nature. As a result I spend all day full on making sure their needs are met... that by the time the day is done I collapse on to the couch a wreck. Then the mask is allowed to slip.
I either end up comfort eating or comfort drinking up to 2 bottles of wine myself either with or without DH. He used to work different shifts and it means he didn't used to be here at night a lot of the time which I liked. Now I just have babies or partner around me constantly and I find it extremely full on. To add to the difficulties DH has a very high conflict ExW (who he shares his 10 year old son with) who provides no end of interference in his (and therefore our) lives who he refuses to put proper boundaries in place with (and when he does she refuses to do it anyway) I've caught him lying a couple of times since DC2 was born and it's made me not trust him. As a result I often feel like an intruder in my own house because I'd rather him not be here if I'm honest. But I feel obligation to not separate for DC sake because they're too young to not have their dad and honestly I don't know how I'd do it myself anyway.
I used to be very health conscious when I lived alone and spent a lot of time meditating and making things from scratch and I don't like not having the time to do that anymore. I can't turn off - too many things going through my mind all the time.
Anyway I woke up this morning, looked at myself and thought no more. Now that his shifts are more stable, instead of eating / drinking my feelings away I'm going to start running tonight. I have made it my aim to get to the shops today walking with DC to get food to get us all a healthy meal (I add that DC never get fed rubbish - they get home cooked balanced nutritional meals - it's me that eats the junk once they're safely out of sight) But not anymore. No more alcohol. No more takeaways. No more functioning on chocolate. I've dug out the fitness watch from its dusty layer under the bed and I'm refusing to let this be my life for mine and my babies sakes. I miss being the strong, independent, healthy woman I once considered myself to be. Also I'm due back at work imminently and I'm going to be going back like Fatty McFatFace 
Change is (over) due!