Will all dentists judge me?

[YourHandInMyHand]

The last few times I've been to the dentist I've come away feeling ashamed and sad.

I'm an educated intelligent person, but due to various reasons my teeth aren't in great condition.

• Poor parenting left me with no supervision during toothbrushing (depressed mum, alcoholic dad).
• I was sexually abused and my abuser groomed me and bought my silence with large quantities of sweets, even big blocks of marzipan.
• I had a pregnancy in my teens where I had a severe case of hyperemesis that really damaged my front teeth (all the vomiting). I have a crown (I think it's a crown anyway) on bottom two front teeth.
• I had another pregnancy with hyperemesis in my twenties, after which I had a back molar removed.
• As an adult I've suffered with depression and self care has been a struggle. I've neglected myself in many ways, including hygiene at various points in adulthood.

I'm an anxious person and don't want to pour my heart out in the dentist's chair while being told off like a naughty child. What can I do? Would you move dentist? Write current dentist a letter? At the moment I am putting off having my next check up as I feel so anxious and ashamed. I have several BIG fillings, I've worn down my crowns and you can see the metal inside them both, on my front teeth, I know I need to go.

I think if your dentist makes you feel ashamed I would change dentists! I’d ask for recommendations for someone kind and flag this up when booking. At the beginning of the appointment I would be completely honest and say something like: ‘I know my teeth need loads of work, there are lots of reasons behind this but please don’t tell me off or judge me or I’ll be frightened to come back and I really want to look after my teeth from now on’

I hadn’t been to the dentist for 5 years and I was so nervous she would tell me off. Before I even opened my mouth I told her I was really ashamed of my teeth and wanted to sort them out. She was so lovely, not judgemental at all and my teeth weren’t nearly as bad as I thought. I needed a little bit of work and I’m so pleased I had it done. I feel almost proud of my teeth now. You just need the right dentist.

here find a sympathetic dentist and go, good luck

You could also look for some counselling for the abuse and other issues perhaps.

I just want to give you a hug. Please don’t worry if the dentist will judge you, you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. All dentists will have seen far worse and are used to seeing people who need work done. If I was you, I’d phone and asked to speak to a dentist, and explain that you are worried, just to put your mind at rest. You should not feel ashamed, instead feel proud at where you have got to and the challenges you have overcome.

You've had a terrible time but the majority of our teeth problems are really hereditary. My father "doesn't believe in" dentists, so we never went. Also no compulsion to brush our teeth, until about a year ago I only brushed mine once a day as it never occurred to me to do it twice (I'm 50).

But mine are fine. So, try to put it behind you and just focus in where you are now. I tend to think most dentists would just think "kerr ching!" anyway!

Thanks everyone. You're all very kind.

I am currently having counselling and I wish I'd started it years ago. I've not had the easiest time as a child or an adult but you wouldn't know it to look at me, unless you're a dentist peering in my mouth or a counsellor listening to me lol.

I will look into local dentists who treat nervous patients, I guess they will hopefully be more understanding all round.

No of course not! The dentist will have seen a lot worse teeth than yours probably that day. Several big fillings and worn down crowns is really nothing, even if you came in and every single tooth needed to be taken out they still will have seen it before. Don't worry op, there's no need to feel ashamed. You've had a very tough time of it and most dentists understand that there are many many reasons why people's teeth aren't perfect and they will not judge.
However having said that, like with all professions there are nice and not so nice dentists. It is important they tell you how to care for your teeth if you haven't been and that can feel like being told off if delivered by the wrong person. I want to prepare you for the fact that a good dentist will discuss caring for your teeth and where you can improve, if the dentist didnt do that they would be negligent, they shouldnt let you risk further problems however it shouldn't feel like a telling off and it shouldn't feel like judgement.
I think if you feel ashamed to visit your current dentist you should look for another one, there will be dentists who are a lot more suited to treating you and will be able to help you without making you feel judged.

If your dentist is unsympathetic then definitely change to one who is. I had bulimia as a teen coupled with depression as I got older so lack of self-care resulted in quite bad teeth needing a lot of work. My dentist is fab, very factual, no judgement apart from positive comments occasionally. I have no worries going to see him.

OP, I have had a mountain of dental work over the last year, and it is ongoing. I’ve always looked after my teeth, had regular checkups, and until this time last year had had nothing done for about ten years - then I started clenching my teeth due to stress, didn’t realise I was doing it, and consequently knackered a load of my teeth. In the last year I have had four root canals, one wisdom tooth extracted, and another molar extracted after the root canal failed - more treatment than I have had in the rest of my life. My dentist (NHS) has been so kind and patient, she has reassured, never judged, and fitted me in at the last minute because of pain. Last year I saw her over 50 times. If your dentist is not kind, find another dentist, there are lovely ones out there. I am an anxious patient and have cried in the surgery - she just gives me a tissue and gets the nurse to hold my hand during injections!