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Original poster

Coping with an empty nest

11 replies

Kez101 · 09/03/2018 19:57

Help!

I've always been so in control. Now, menopause hits at the same time as my two graduate children find work and move away to live their own lives.

I'm struggling. Between adapting to an extremely quiet house and helping kids with their "new problems" (very, very, awkward live in landlord in one case and low pay but dream job in the other).

Please help!

OP posts:
orenisthenewblack · 09/03/2018 20:12

What can I say! I feel your pain!
Also peri-menopausal with on DC in Uni and my baby is going Sept!

No advice but, I have been to the GP as I'm prone to hopeless crying at work . I'm getting a puppy cos I need something to love and fuss over. I'm seriously having a mid-life crisis.

52isjustanumber · 09/03/2018 20:15

I'm with you. It's the worst bit of parenting so far. Everything is hitting me at once.

DaphneduM · 09/03/2018 20:26

Oh goodness, you have my complete sympathy. I've gone through this twice with my only daughter. First time when she moved away when she was 18 and I got over it eventually. (I had about five holidays the first year to distract myself). Things settled down and then last year she got married. It was like losing her all over again, I was severely depressed. You feel so bereft. I had a good job, friends, my lovely husband and everything going for me, but it's a hollow core of bereavement.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 09/03/2018 20:28

My empty nest is going to be filled with Lurchers!! I am practicing already!!

Coping with an empty nest
Original poster
Kez101 · 09/03/2018 20:34

I'm so thankful for your support. I've also got everything, including my own successful business which takes plenty of my time (although I'm currently on our first holiday as a couple again). I'm finding it difficult to sleep, concerned for them both.

I was less worried when they went to uni because I fully expected at least one to come home because it's almost impossible to.find work.in her field (she did but also managed some decent competition wins in her discipline). That then led to this dream job..... Miles and miles away from home.

Of course they have to do it and I have to be supportive and proud. But not giving that away at the same time as coping myself. It is like a bereavement.

OP posts:
DaphneduM · 09/03/2018 21:16

Very, very hard for you. I live in a village and ironically some lucky women still have their children and then grandchildren living locally. I see them out together, the three generations and it gives me a pang. But I always wanted my girl to spread her wings, and be independent and this is what she has done. Likewise your daughter. You can be so proud of her that she has not taken the easy option in life and has followed her ambitions. I think it comes in stages. My girl is now talking about having a baby, so if that happens then I will see her more as she will have maternity leave and she wants me to help with the baby so she can go back to work part time. I have been so wary of over-stepping the mark since she married, that we've not seen that much of them, and that's been very hard. But, on a positive note, she is coming over on Sunday for Mothers Day. We have a great relationship, so I cherish that. You will find your way, but it's early days, your feelings are perfectly natural and the sign of a very good mother. The main thing is having a loving relationship, everything else will fall into place for you in time. You obviously have absolutely the right attitude, we have to let them go, keep a stiff upper lip in front of them and do our crying in private. A big bouquet from me to you, I don't know how to do the flowers thing on here.

orenisthenewblack · 09/03/2018 21:18

I know, it hurts, but we have to let them go. Think of Timothy (Ronnie Corbett), we don't want to be that mother do we!

DaphneduM · 09/03/2018 21:24

I should also add that we had some worries with her while she was away, before she met her lovely husband. There were a few unsuitable boyfriends, financial issues which needed our intervention and support and at one point she did come home fairly broken due to some relationship difficulties which got out of hand. We helped her pick up the pieces and off she went again!! You never stop being a mother, and they will always need you, although it doesn't seem like it when they're trying to be independent. I totally empathise with what you're going through, Kez. It will get easier, believe me.

Topseyt · 09/03/2018 21:34

I remember how it felt when DD1 went to university. I still had her two younger sisters at home, but I felt hollow and for a long time had difficulty coping. I don't think the feeling ever totally subsided throughout the uni years, though I did get better at living with it and keeping reasonably busy was key.

DD1 graduated last summer and now works in London. We live in Essex, so she is back with us again now while she saved up and considers where she wants to live, and where she will be able to afford to live within a reasonable commute. So I now have a full nest again, although I am very aware of being on borrowed time with it now.

I am sure I will be there again with all of them at some point in the near future (DD2 is 19 and DD3 is 15).

Topseyt · 09/03/2018 21:38

I also have to agree with Daphne. You are still needed, even with their burgeoning independence. Just in a slightly different way.

Original poster
Kez101 · 10/03/2018 05:52

Hollow is a really good description.

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