How do you prepare for the loss of you parents?

[laura8789]

Please do not judge me I have already had to change names because of some really nasty comments.
I’m 28 and I still live at home with my parents which I love but lately I have found others laughing at me or talking about how pathetic it is that I still live at home. The thing is I have always been young for my age and never wanted to grow up I have cried every birthday since the age of 7 because I didn’t want to get older I get depressed every time I think about age. I’m not lazy I do all the cooking, my own washing and ironing and anything else my mum wants me to do, I work as a nanny so spend all day looking after 3 children and running their house so I know I could move out but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I feel like I have a different relationship with my parents than most people, a lot of my friends have moved far away (100 Miles +) I just don’t understand how they could leave the 2 people who love them most in the world and only come to visit 2 or 3 times a year. My mum had me older at 43 which never bothered me when I was younger as she says she doesn’t feel her age and doesn’t act it she still works full time but since she turned 70 a couple of years ago I have nightmares about her dying and spend a lot of time thinking about it. My dad is 58 so he has a few more years left yet (hopefully) but I have noticed his memory isn’t what it used to be I want to spend as much time as I can with them while I have the chance but am becoming increasingly aware that this isn’t normal, will I ever be ready for life in my own? I don’t have a partner or children but I would like kids one day.

In some ways you sound a lot like me. I am extremely close to my mum and in fact live in the same street as her. I didn't leave home until I was late 20's but I did fall in love and have since had 3 children. My husband loves my family so he doesn't find it strange that I spend a lot of time with my family. I know that other people find it strange that we have such a close relationship. At some stage you do have to find your own path though because you have to remind yourself that we all have one life and you will have regrets if you don't spread your wings a little. You can have the closeness of family but have your own family too. This has become more obvious to me as I see my own children grow and realise that I would hate for them to miss out on life to keep me company. I have come to realise that worrying about death is normal but you need to appreciate that having a good and long life is all we can wish for and that some people have to cope with tragic losses like the death of a child which puts everything into prospective. Try and take little steps to developing interests outside of your home so you may forge lots of new relationships too and live for today and not tomorrow.

Thanks GENERALLYOK even though I would love to have my own children I worry that I won’t love them as much as I do my mum or I wouldnt be able to give them the childhood I had my parents were the best I honestly can’t ever remember being unhappy and I’m so grateful for that but I honestly think that’s what’s making it so hard for me now because I don’t think I’ll never be as happy as I was back then and am trying to hold onto that. You’re lucky to have such an understanding husband my last bf didn’t understand he hated his mum. I know you are right about people having terrible tragedies in their life and really I have no right to complain sometimes I just don’t feel like I will ever fit into this world, people are desperate to live long and healthy lives but I used to and still do sometimes wish/pray that I died before or with my parents so I don’t have to live without them. I also feel guilty my mum’s mum never lived long enough to see my mum settled with my dad and have me and my brother and I don’t want to do that for to my mum. 😥

I mean this very gently, but it's time to cut the apron strings.

You don't have to move 100 miles away - you can live close by and still see your parents whenever you like.

But I don't feel this level of attachment or your anxiety regarding growing up is normal and it will hamper your life.

Did something happen when you were seven that triggered your anxiety regarding growing older?

TOSS no nothing happened when I was 7, from the age of 4 I used to deny that I was older whenever someone asked me I would say I was still 3 this happened every year, when I turned 7 I had a bit of a melt down at my party and couldn’t stop crying. Now I have come to accept that I’m getting older and it’s not the number that bothers me so much more the fact that I know I should be out living my own life and I am fearful of leaving everything too late but honestly I still feel 18 I’m my head and that I will not be able to cope without my mum. Last week she told me one of her good friends has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and has 6 weeks to live I think this just hit me really hard and made me worry about her age and health which I have never really thought much about before. I lost my job 6 months ago and have a bit of depression at the moment so that’s not helping, I was very anxious and shy growing up and I couldn’t go anywhere without her up until 15/16. Obviously I’m not that dependent on her now but I’d still rather spend time with them than a bf. I know I am not normal.

Plenty of people live with their parents still. Here in Ireland, it's very common to have adult children living at home, as not many can afford a place of their own. If it works for everyone in the household, then I don't see anything wrong with it. Indeed, some people move out of home and then move back later at an older age, due to family circumstances. You are feeling judged at the minute and comparing yourself to others.
Are you happy yourself with the way things are? If you feel you might want more out of life, then you could see a counsellor. That might help create a supportive bridge to explore a few ideas. To me it sounds a bit like separation anxiety. You are having thoughts about how scary it would be to be far from your mother in case something happens to her. You feel a strong need to be physically near her in order to 'control' her safety as such.
If you talked through these things with a counsellor, you might find that very liberating because you don't have to worry about the counsellor's feelings, you can say what you like and they won't judge you.