I need to help my pal but don't know how ....

[Pagan]

I'll be as brief as I can .... shall call pal Katy

Best pal for years, graduated in science got a researchy job down south. Met boyfriend, moved in together. He was made redundant, went back to college but never got another job, she got new job. They both moved back to Scotland with her supporting him. She very unhappy as he is just waster. She finally leaves him in 1993 and though she doesn't like her new job she has fun, does hobbies, lives life, looks fantastic etc etc.

Meets new wonderful bloke. They go off round world for a year. Come back, she gets better job down south, he gets old job back up here. They commute for a while until he gets job down there.

She hates new job - similar industy to previous one. They get married, both are wonderful people. She continues to hate the job she does but keeps moving on to ones in the same industry so there is never any improvement.

She has gone from size 8 when they get back from world tour to size 16. Work takes over her life and all she does is moan about it. She hates being fat, her health is suffering, they are having trouble conceiving, she never seems to have time for anything anymore. She looks and sounds miserable and depressed all the time.

Finally she is ditching her job to go back to uni. I am hoping that this will be the beginning of the new Katy or rather the old one will come back but I'm sceptical. Spoke to her recently and expected her to be saying that she finished up and had a month off to chill but she finishes one day, goes to Italy for a week the following day and then on her return, immediately starts uni. She is moaning about this and I can't believe she is not taking even an extra week just to wind down. She says that she'd just worry about the money as they've just done some DIY and gotten some expensive (her tastes always are) furniture.

Now this is where I get stuck. Each to their own regarding how they spend their money and it's whatever makes them happy, but she spends a fortune on expensive things and still never seems to be happy. I try to reason with her that what is more important - a new dining table or your sanity but I get dismissed instantly. She seems to have developed such a bolshy attitude. How do I get her just to cheer up and be happy and content. I have given her so many pep talks and encouraged her to diet, excercise, spend less time at work, make time for herself - all the things that she acknowledges she needs to do but then it all goes out the window and she spirals further down. We used to spend ages chatting on the phone but now it is hardly at all as she is too busy or too tired.

Maybe I'm just an annoying pal now but I just want her to be happy and not moan constantly about everything and then do nothing to change it.

Don't know if that all makes sense

It does make sense! I too have a friend who is not really happy but cannot see her way to doing the (what I think) is the right thing about it. Good friends do say what they think, even if it's difficult, but if you've done that there's not much else you can do except be there when needed. People have to take responsibility for their own lives and their choices. Have you tried talking to the husband? Do you know him well? At least she is taking a new good step of going to uni - I think that could well be a new beginning, and a lot of fun for her.

I've never really had the chance. Coz she lives so far away from me now, when we do meet up it's usually her coming here to visit else I go there and see both of them, mostly her as he leaves us to have girlie chats and stuff so I never get him alone. I do know him well enough to chat about it face to face but would feel uncomfortable just calling him up to talk about it.

Here's hoping the uni thing will work out well. I'll always be there for her regardless. She is the only female in the world I can discuss farting with

Really don't have any advice. It's hard to watch people making mistakes and she definitely sounds depressed. Since you live so far apart, if you tried to persuade her she's miserable and needs help she'd probably get defensive and say you don't know each other as well anymore.

I agree too that uni might bring her old self back a little, she just needs a glimpse of the fun she used to have to want to go back to it.

Sounds an awful situation to be in, and I hope she manages to rest a little in Italy at least.

Babysteffee you are dead right. She does get soooooooo defensive if I point anything out or give my honest opinion. Sigh ...... I'll keep you posted on how it goes. On the plus side, on the occasions that we do get together, we can still have great fun so there are still twinges of the old Katy there. I miss her terribly and would love for them both to move back to Scotland again. I know her dh would love that also. It would be so great. When she did live here we used to meet up mid week at a spa suite and sit in the jacuzzi until we were like prunes chatting and solving the problems of the world then at the weekends we'd get out into the great outdoors. One day .......