How much care to expect from dh after operation

[Ijustwanttodrinkmytea]

Please help me settle an argument with dh! I had keyhole surgery last week, should have been day surgery but I got post op sepsis so ended up in hospital for 5 days. Was told to book 2-4 weeks off work originally and no lifting. We have 2 young dc, one of whom can't walk yet, so dh has been doing all the childcare. He's tired and grumpy, especially because he had tickets to a concert tomorrow and I've asked him not to go. He thinks I should ask my elderly mum to stay on our sofa overnight so he can go, I said I'm not comfortable asking her due to her age and the fact that ds is teething and wakes about 5x per night at the moment, so my mum would be up and down the stairs all night, getting him out of the cot, picking him up for me etc. I think it's too much to ask of her but he thinks I'm being unreasonable. He's being off with me because he's cross about missing the concert, losing money on the tickets and hotel he'd booked. So am I being unreasonable or is he?

Is there anyone else you could ask to cover just for the concert?

Can you ask a friend to help or another family member ie his parents? A concert is a special occasion and if he's been looking after you, I'd let him go and let his hair down. We went to see Coldplay this week and I'd have cried my heart out to have missed it, I've been looking forward to it for months and months. I hope you feel better soon.

No, his parents aren't around and there's no one else to help unfortunately. It's hard because it's overnight, so someone has to pass ds to me so i can feed him when he wakes up, which has been all through the night this week

Ok well no other option then.
Hope you feel better soon

If he really can't arrange for anyone to help you overnight and he should be taking the lead on that then I'm shocked you even had to ask him not to go, to be honest. You've just had surgery and sepsis, and you are simply not able to move around normally and pick up a baby. He's those childen's other parent, and while I understand his disappointment (I had to miss a long-planned major event last week, because DH unexpectedly had to extend a work trip by a day, and all our families are in our home country, and there's literally no one at all who could stay over night, or have him overnight -- but there was nothing that could be done. He's done similar for me other times), he's going to have to get over it.

Sleeping downstairs on a sofa and having to come up stairs five times a night to pass over a teething baby sounds relatively challenging, but you will obviously know best whether your mother's age/health etc would render it advisable. My mum is 75 and struggles with stairs, and as she's a heavy sleeper, would be very unlikely to wake up downstairs when the baby did.

Sorry, I meant there was no one to have our five year old DS overnight, not DH!

I'm guessing your littlest one is breastfed? Could you not.co sleep the night of the concert? Or if not breastfed can the littler one go to grans for a sleepover?

It would've been fine had things gone according to plan and your recovery been routine. However, it didn't and you've had very serious complications. It is not unreasonable of you to expect DH to amend his plans for this unexpected turn of events if there is no alternative childcare option.

It's not unreasonable of him to be disappointed in missing out on pre-made plans that he's probably been looking forward to for a while, either. Unfortunately, unforseen circumstances & his adult responsibilities have reared up and changed things. C'est la vie.

Can you go with him so that he can look after you and the baby overnight at the hotel?

Otherwise, YANBU. It sucks but it's just one of those things.

I've also suggested he tries to sell the tickets so he's not out of pocket, but he hasn't been able/willing to do that. I'm upset that he's making me feel like I'm a big inconvenience and being quite cold to me. I didn't plan to get this ill.

looney a post op patient recovering from sepsis should not be advised to co-sleep in order to allow her DH to have a night out! What planet are you on?!

Looney we do normally cosleep but it's hard at the moment, ds is quite mobile and if he gets into an unsafe position I can't move him myself.

can your dh organise a night nanny for the time of the concert?

I understand your husband is disappointed, but unfortunately you need help and he has to miss the concert. You had complications following an op- its not your fault!

He needs to sort out a night nanny or other appropriate help that you're happy with. It is not ok to expect an elderly relative who may or may not be able to cope to do this so he can have a nice time. He should care more about you and your children than he is displaying by this behaviour. By being "off" with you he's acting like a child & it's your responsibility to make him happy. If he really wants to go he needs to find a better solution. This is about the safety and wellbeing of his child and wife (and your DM).

Oh and I wouldn't want a stranger in the house (night nanny) especially when I'm unwell.

Your husband is being a selfish prat

Tell him he can't go and tell all his friends and family (and your friends and family) that he wanted to and was grumpy with you - honestly, he could do with a little shaming

I'm going to be hard and say keyhole surgery means shorter recovery time so you should be doing most things now. The sepsis is only a problem until antibiotics kick in. I think you should let him go. They always err on side of extreme caution when telling people to take time off. Agree a night nanny for the night would be good solution if you need physical help still. It's only one night.