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Original poster

dh has started to ask more questions about dh's health

48 replies

Blandmum · 14/03/2007 22:17

This afternoon. She asked me if I thought he was ever going to get completly better and I had to tell her 'no'

then she said, 'But it isn't as if he is going to die is it?'

and i bottled it and said that we all have to die.

i just don't know how i can tell her the truth.

OP posts:

lemonaid · 14/03/2007 22:29

Sorry, cross-posted with virtually everyone.

cazzybabs · 14/03/2007 22:30

I hope you can find the right words when the time is right! You are an amazing woman and you have twice as hard as everyone ele - being strong for your childrne and ddh.

misdee · 14/03/2007 22:31

mb, the 'problem' i have with discussing it with dd1 (just 7) is that i want to protect her from all this as much as possible. obviously the same for the younger two, but dd1 has more of an idea of whats happening. and to say 'well if daddy doesnt get a new heart then he will get very sick again, and then die' is just so brutal in a way. i want my children to have as much innocence about this in some ways. dd1 now knows how ill dh is (but not the thing about if he doesnt get a heart in time) as he had a stroke in the car when i had all 3 girls with me.

you can follow the links people have given, and the links will give you advice etc, but its the phycially sitting down and telling them that breaks my heart just thinking about it.

does any of that makes sense?

LilyLoo · 14/03/2007 22:32

ime the hospice was a wonderful support that we only realised afterwards. They will have had lots of experience dealing with this however agree it's you and not 'just' another family. You can only say it from the heart!

brimfull · 14/03/2007 22:32

MB ,I think what lemonaid said is true,your dd will be doing lots of guessing from your answers,probably why you've been advised to be honest with them.
How does your dh feel about it?Have they spoken to him ?
God it's shit isn't it?

ledodgy · 14/03/2007 22:33

I lost my dad suddenly and unexpectedly at 15 so I was somwhat older than your two. The worst part was the suddeness of it all. I think if you tell them the truth at least they have the chance to cherish every moment spent with him and to say goodbye. This is what I missed most. It's a horrible horrible thing to go through and i'm in tears writing this but I rmeember losing my nana at 6 years old and nobody really telling me anything until it was too late and it hurt. If you can give them anything right now I feel the truth will be the best thing.

Original poster

Blandmum · 14/03/2007 22:33

I am torn between knowing that there will come a time that she needs to know the truth, and the total conviction that if she finds out too soon she will be utterly distraught for the time that she does have left with her father.

It is alsomst imposiible for me to grasp the moment and enjoy life ; knowing how little time we might have, and I'm an adult. if she find out too soon, it will ruin what little time she has left with him, and this time is so important

OP posts:

brimfull · 14/03/2007 22:36

yes ,see what you mean.
If life seems pretty unchanged for them at the moment it seems almost cruel to deliver such a blow.I guess there will be a time when you'll know it's time to talk honestly.

paros · 14/03/2007 22:37

I am so sorry MB and misdee I really am . Do the professionals advise telling the truth about the dying part .My DH has Cancer and this is one conversation I am dreading . It just seems to me that once you have said the words they cant be taken back . Innocence (sp) seems the easier way to go but then again do they ever forgive you for not telling them the truth . I suppose each child is different . What the hell do you do for the best .

misdee · 14/03/2007 22:37

i think you will know when, i am holding off giving information out as much as possible, mainly because life can go either way for us still, its different for you

LilyLoo · 14/03/2007 22:37

MB you are in such a difficult place. I think where things like this are concerned there will always be regrets, questions you can only do what you feel is right. You know your DC'S better than anyone and you will do everything you can to protect them. There is no answer. What you said today is a step towards the truth already.

Original poster

Blandmum · 14/03/2007 22:38

quite. Atm dh is home, some days he even goes into work for a little while. We are no-where near the 'needing to say goodbye' stage'

How can you tell a child that her father will die is a few months time, and expect her to cope in those few months. How will advance knowledge help her atm.

It doesn't help me. i wish I didn't have to live with it, and I'm not 10

OP posts:

ledodgy · 14/03/2007 22:38

I can understand that and thought about that when I was writing my last post and it's a double edge sword it's either tell her now and worry about the reaction and living with that reaction whilst your dh is here or not tell her and see the fallout after he isn't. From personal experience I feel the former is preferable because at least she knows the time spent with him is precious and she gets to ask the questions she needs to ask him and say the things she needs to say. The other option means she may be fine and dandy until the expected happens but afterwards she may have questions she wanted to ask him or things she may want to say that she never got the chance to and also resentment towards you for not telling her. It's so hard and ultimately it is your descision, I just wish you all the luck and love in the world.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 14/03/2007 22:38

Mb, by telling your dd that ?we all have to die? isn?t bottling it IMO.

You?ve been given an indication of how the future is going to be, you know that your dh?s illness means his time will come earlier than is fair, but no-one knows when that time is going to come. And in reality none of us knows when our time is going to come. Any one of us could die today, or tomorrow or next week or in 50 years, we don?t know.

You can prepare your children for how it?s going to be when daddy isn?t there any more, or you can all live life to the max, live for every day as it comes, and when the time comes, you can all hopefully find peace in the knowledge that you made their daddy?s last years/months a happy part of his life, rather than preparing for his death.

Hope that makes sense

Look after yourself xxx

foxinsocks · 14/03/2007 22:44

it doesn't seem right (to tell her now) when you put it like that mb - although, I imagine her questions mean that she has some inkling of what is going to happen. I wonder whether, if she is worrying about it, it would be better for her to know iyswim - however, if they were just 'innocent' questions then I can understand why you'd want to hold off until she needs to know.

Hassled · 14/03/2007 22:45

I was much much older (16) when my mother died of cancer - but one of the consultants at the hospital did tell my brother and I she was going to die, two months before she did. I knew anyway - but I did feel that gave me time to say my goodbyes and I was grateful for that knowledge. Maybe I started the grieving process then? Of course there was lots that we didn't and should have said, and when she did die it was still a shock, but it did help knowing. Given how much older I was than your DCs, that's probably of no use anyway. You'll be in my thoughts.

sarz · 15/03/2007 09:58

I also know how difficult this situation is, my aunty got cancer when i was about 13, her daughter was 10. No body really told either of us what was happening, and my cousin (we are very close, more like a sister) was very confused as everyone thought she was to young to know details, but actually picked up little details from 'adult' conversations which meant she had little bits of info that she had heard other people say, and a wild imagination which created something much much worse. I dont think this is something you should feel you have to do on your own, there are professionals that know how to put it into a language your DS will understand and help to give her tools to 'cope' (crap word i know) with what is happening. I'm thinking of all of you.

FoghornLeghorn · 15/03/2007 10:04

Oh MB, I cannot even begin to think how hard that particular part of this whole terribly sad situation must be.

FWIW and I know this probably wont help but I am 22 and I know as a matter of fact, if my mum told me that my dad wasn't going to be here in a few months time as he was terminally ill, I would find it so unbelievably hard to get on with life as normal as possible. Maybe I am an exception but I am particularly crap in any sad/death situation but I know for sure that if I got the devastating news that you have tomorrow, I would just be a wreck and there is no way I would use the time left as it should be.

I am so sad for you and your family

FoghornLeghorn · 15/03/2007 10:06

OTOH, My DH's Dad died of lung cancer when he was 17 (I was 16). We all knew about it, we all knew that the months/weeks were counting down but we all got on with it as if nothing were happening because FIL was the type of person that if we had all started acting differently, he would've given up there and then - he was terrified of dying and didn't want to know any timescales etc.
When the hospital finally told us it was likely to be 2 weeks at the most, we all sombered up, said our goodbyes and just dealt with everything as best as we could knowing the type of person he was.

traceyinrosso · 15/03/2007 14:22

Was feeling rather fed up with my lot but having read this thread feel silly at my self pity - you are both in awful situations with no easy answers - hope that sharing things here helps - sometimes bouncing things off people you don't know is easier than trying to discuss things with family and friends. Really sorry can't offer any constructive advice but please know that people are thinking about you.

fuchsia0703 · 15/03/2007 16:20

I have nothing much to add to all the very wise comments that have been made already. Just a thought that "months" when you're very young can seem like a long time, unlike when you're an adult and they seem so short. Whilst it is important that your DD knows before anything happens while your DH is still stable, I would let them both enjoy their time together. As you say, in a way you are finding it difficult to enjoy this time .. so leave telling your DD as long as you can. Thinking of you allx

geekgrrl · 15/03/2007 16:25

oh mb

what a completely and utterly shitty situation

For what it's worth, I think you're doing the right thing. At least this way your dd will have as much 'normal' time with her dad as possible.

So sorry you're all having to go through this.

PeachyClair · 15/03/2007 16:42

Oh MB

Obviously nothing will take the horror of it away but I would chat with Macmillan Nurse. They can at least talk through worries tou expressed here.

Kids are remarkable MB you know that. They'll cope, somehow. I also think though..... tell them when they need to know. For a start I think it'll be easier- these things just are at the rihght time. Also, once the decline starts (and I know thats a horrisdd way to put it but you know what I eman), then they'll need to now, but still have time to say goodbye. Saying goodbye is very, very important indeed. As you know.

I think a year is too long, they don't need the uncertainty for that time, as someone else said its a huge time sapn to them. maybe six weeks or so.

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