13yr old son , constant nausea, missing 50% of school!!!!!

[Franticfran01]

I am the desperate Mum of a 13yr old boy who has been ill for months. Wakes up feeling sick, produces a tiny bit of bilious sick and returns to bed. For several weeks had pain in his lower left belly/groin. Al undiagnosed. Hes had all the blood tests, now due to see paed. recently took him to A&E near my Dads, they found traces of urine in his blood, but nothing to explain the nausea. Gave him painkillers and the pain subsided. Returned to school after 4 weeks off.. Huge relief all round. A week later hes back off school again with this 'sickness' Wont do anything to help himself, wont even try to get up, no matter what we try. Lolls about all day watching TV but seems to be able to eat. He has been like this on and off over the last year.There is a history of auto-immune disease.. asthma and excema for him, more serious for his half sister.
But I honestly don't know what to think because our situation is complicated. I work away from home during term time. This enables me to earn a living, care for my elderly Dad and be at home during school hols and half the week as I work 3 or 4 days a week. Its not ideal I know but its a needs must situation and we have to get on with it. Or become homeless and put my Dad in a home. So I cant help thinking this is a protest. Apart from that when he's well, he seems fine about it as is his sister. He is an incredibly stubborn kid and will cut off his nose to spite his face. Its all set up in school for him to have a time out card so he can leave the class and they will call me or Dad. He says he doesn't trust us to pick him up because once Dad took nearly an hour to get there. Which seems unreasonable to me. So now we're at a stand off because he wont even try. Wont go in this morning even though I would have been close by to pick him up. Hasn't even tried getting up before deciding not to go. I told him he would not be allowed on his computer if he didn't make some effort, but no. Hes refusing to go for the tests at the hospital now.
I swing between feeling sorry for him and feeling cross. As a family we really need to pull together but have I betrayed him? I feel so guilty and terrified its my fault but I don't have a quick solution to the problem and I really don't believe that what I do is that bad, bearing in mind how much time I can be at home.
I am at the end of my tether, its so hard, working away, driving for hours, caring for Dad, then spending every Friday at Docs, hospital etc and worry worry worry about DS.
I don't know what to think at all any more, After this rambling message I would be surprised if any one does but I would still appreciate your opinions.
Any other Mums that work away from home? People are horrified when I tell them and I'm sure ther will be lots of 'I couldn't do that'. But sometimes you have to make compromises and your choices are limited.

How is he on the weekend? Is he still ill then?

Nothing like a bit of parental guilt to muddy waters. Being a SAHM, WAHM, working out the home or working away there are layers of guilt with each of them - it's a parents penance.

He's 13 and old enough to understand consequences.

There are facts to separate out. Like you need to work. He needs to go to school. He needs to be well.

Are you a single parent? Is there another parent on the scene who could take a firmer line with GP appointments?

He's missed quite a chunk of school yr 8/9? Could you start having work sent home, no TV/ internet in day time. No socialising etc if not at school. A very simple action/ consequence list. i.e. do Maths, English and History for 1 hr each then earn 30 mins down time.

I have a slightly younger child who has a lot of this, it's clear she does feel sick, but it's also clear she's not quite got the concept of resilience and keeping going.

Does he have migraines? They can present as sickness/nausea but not always with the headache.

They can give you anti-sickness drugs, they are extremely effective, rather than painkillers which affect pain but not nausea.

I think this is a very difficult situation, as I do frogmarch/coax my dd on occasions when she's wavering about how ill she is. Our attendance was getting poor so now, she goes whether she's ill nor not, having taken painkillers if stomach ache, and with the agreement of the teacher. She then copes pretty well and is getting to understand that showing resilience is a good thing and keeping going has its rewards (e.g. if she goes to school gets praise, a nice treat, if off school even if ill, no computer as computers are for after-school, has to do homework if able).

Can the other parent not get him to school this way (i.e. kick him out of bed and drop off)? I get it is essentially getting to the school refusal stage though. I can see me physically taking my dd to secondary school as well if this continues.

Obviously we can only get a snippet of a situation but reading between the lines i would say that he has found a really excellent way to get attention from you and is milking it for all it is worth.

Is dad ask home with him when you are away? are you both generally on the same page when it comes to parenting matters? I think you need to take a really firm stance on this and make a plan. As some said up thread. If he is ‘ill’ then it is bed, no computer/TV, bland food.No parent popping in to see if he is okay. In short being ill has to be as bring as humanly possible without neglecting him. The school also need to be aware of this and have a plan in place to deal with it. He can’t be allowed to go home on a whim.

I say this as a child who discovered in primary school that feigning health issues got me a lot of attention. My mum got wise to it and eventually i got bored of lying in bed with nothing to do.

Sounds a really difficult situation. Poor you and him. Working out of the home must be tricky but you have to do what you have to do. From your description I worry for you and your health with the worry stress and demands!

But about your son....

Don't know much about autoimmune diseases but I think they certainly some of them can be quite difficult to diagnose. So good thing you're seeing the paediatrician.

I had periods of prolonged nausea as an early teen. For me it must've been partly mostly psychological - I wasn't putting it on - but the worry about feeling sick made me feel sick. Developed a bit of emetophobia. And I think there was a hormonal effect too as it just abated as I got older. I was very concerned about being able to get home if needed to - and the feeling I wouldn't be able to greatly exacerbated my feelings of nausea.

Does your son have a phone where he can ring you during the day? How far away are you and your husband? Thinking it could be an hour would really have sent me into a spin too. Is there anyone else that could be called upon in an emergency so you can reassure your son that someone can be there in 30min or less?

Is he generally a stressy person, or quiet/sensitive?

Thanks for super swift replies. They have stopped me crying! I will try and answer your points.
Dad is at home in the week, he runs his own business so is available but busy. He has promise DS it will never be an hour again, we are not even sure it was that long. We are mostly on the same page, Dad takes away internet and phone if he wont try and get up. Hes about to have a computer free weekend as he wouldn't try this morning, so we'll see what effect that has. Some weekends he is better, some not, but if he can find a reason to stay in a play on his pc, he will. The last few weeks we have started to severely limit access, initially that worked but not this week.
I agree about resilience, lots of kids feel much iller but still go to school, I work with some of them. He's resilient enough to battle it out with us though! Dragging him to school is out of the question, hes a total drama queen and will cling to the bannisters screaming his head off! Literally. I'm surprised the neighbours haven't sent the Police round. Scenes like that are not worth it.
So I am at the point of saying its up to you kiddo, sort it out, or not. But then the little voices say ...'what if he really is ill? He couldn't fake it for this long could he.?' ' Then the guilt kicks in and I feel sorry because tbh I am not the worlds most sympathetic Mum until their leg is hanging off or something like that. That's just how I was brought up and I am very resilient as is DD, who cries if she cant go to school!

I would say sensitive yes, but also fun, confident and used to enjoy life. Very determined (to do what he wants anyway) Its hard to describe them at this age I find, because they are changing so much and not fully formed. My worry is that he makes himself into a low confidence worrier!

You mention asthma and eczema, his appetite doesn't seem to have diminished and I was wondering if he is adversely affected by consuming milk, eggs, and/or wheat?

Had you not said he has had tests and is due to see a paediatrician I would probably simply have asked you whether he drinks enough over a day and is he active enough. Does he watch tv until very late, is he online until the small hours?

Did you ask his teacher(s) what they observed over the four weeks he returned to regular school hours? Any bullying, any hint of problems with reading or comprehension, (dyslexia takes many forms and isn't always picked up before middle school).

Don't beat yourself up about your working arrangements, it sounds like his sister is okay. 'Betrayal' seems a very extreme word to use. Perplexing as it is I hope you don't get sidetracked blaming yourself.

If you think there are days when he could go to school, but won't, then those are days when he stays home but has no phone, wi-fi, TV etc. because he is too ill. Make staying home as boring as possible.

My DD(15) has gone through periods similar to this. Feels slightly sick then gets in a state about puking at school and the embarrassment of it all, then the anxiety makes it all worse. She's much happier if she knows I'm working at home, rather than commuting into London, so I can get her quickly if need be. But this isn't possible every day.

It's impossible to physically drag a teen to school, and I've felt helpless and a crap parent at times.

Sympathies as it's very very stressful.

Did they try him with an anti stomach acid medication? My boy was like this a bit last year but this year is fine. Like mysterious 'illness'. I think he was genuinely feeling sick. If you boy is actually vomiting then he must have something.
My advice is:
Accept that he is sick, but treat him like he is sick. Bring him to doctors and No Computer - I repeat No Computer during the time he is off at home during the week. No Computer if he refuses the tests.
Is he going to bed at a reasonable hour? Does he improve if he gets paracetamol?
Did he have a bad illness anytime in the last 6 months? My lad had had a very bad virus last Christmas then for at least 5 months after it, was 'sick' on and off.
Have you spoken to the school? What is their role in this? Is he being bullied at school, does the school have a counsellor?
The fact he is kicking off about not being collected for an hour is because he feels if he is sick at school, then he is left there without being collected.
What is the Time Out card about? Is that because he has been feeling sick at school? Or are there other reasons he needs to leave the classroom?

He seems happy at school and has mates there. Doing well when he's there. Report was good despite absences.
re allergies he used to be allergic to eggs, nuts and dairy. So he doesn't have them really but we don't worry about traces. I.ve considered wheat but the pain/nausea seems constant ie food doesn't make it worse or better. I think its this constantness that makes me suspicious surely his nausea would peak and trough. Not just be the same all the time. But he does look peaky, but you would if you've been lolling about for days?

My dd has stomach migraines which last for days and leave you feeling washed out, and also a form of GERD which is reflux disorder, so your Gaviscons and so on help a lot with that, you do often get a bit of reflux coming up in the mouth which may be what's happening to him. It may be worth investigating that too.

My hunch is that there's a big psychological element to this. Anxiety and depression can often present as nausea/vomiting.

How is his mental health, aside from the angst of being 13 obviously? Any issues with bullying? How is his performance at school?

No, I don't think you get peaky from 'lolling about' for days to be honest. I have a 13yr old boy too. The colour of his face tells me a lot. If your boy is peaky then he may well be feeling unwell, especially if there is a big difference in his demeanour when he is fitting fit (like doesn't complain about school, kind of enjoys going in for the most part, chats about what teacher said to so and so, etc).
And yes I know the feeling of being really cross and resentful one minute and then feeling really sorry for him the next. It's tough.
If he is bringing up stomach contents first thing in the morning then thats not normal. Unless he's deliberately making himself sick to avoid school. But he still wouldn't be peaky and pale even doing that...

'fighting fit' not 'fitting fit'!

He's adamant theres nothing wrong in school and I don't think there is. It seems to be becoming a battle of wills with him determined to be ill and me determined to get him better! He just doesn't seem ill enough to be missing school. So hes lost all his pc, phone and now tv. But that's when I start to worry that he must be ill or very determined to get my attention/ prove to me he's ill/ make me give in re pc. We've always battled quite a bit. Hes a kid who just will not compromise. Which feeds in to the ill thing a bit..as in Im not feeling 100% so that's it, Im going to shut down. Instead of... I'll try getting up and see how I feel. or go into school later. Or have my blood tests. Now he says nothing will help which seems hopelessly defeatist to me. The only thing I can think to do now is stick it out with denying pc etc.. until he at least gives school another go. I just think hed feel better if he took his mind off feeling ill and moved about a bit!
.

oh and the time out card is so he can leave class quickly and without a fuss, go to sick bay or loos or whatever. School have been pretty good about it all really. I think theres enough in place for him to go in if he wanted to.

Keep up the ban on internet, gaming etc. Then maybe you could try offering some of it back if he could try a phased return to school...would that be possible.
So he goes in, and is to be collected at 11.30 the first day, at 12:30 the second day or some such...whatever is suitable, in order to 'earn' back the internet access. Perhaps on a day you are at home to collect him. Maybe present him with a Timetable of classes/half days of school he could do, with the amount of computer he's allowed if he can do it...
At least if he's in school, his teachers can report back on if he's acting normally, seems unreasonably pale and lethargic, not engaging with the other lads....etc.

DH suffers from anxiety and depression and teens do seem a bit vulnerable to lapsing into this. I have a few house rules that we've agreed to over the years.

One of these is no bed days. Even in hospital you don't seem to be allowed to be in bed all day these days, unless you absolutely physically can not be moved. So every day is a get dressed and go downstairs day.

Everyday is a wash day (nothing quite like the smell of stinky 13yo boy - I have one myself).

Everyday we need 30 minutes of fresh air - in garden with blanket on knees when really bad but generally a dog walk, or get me a pint of milk from the corner shop type thing.

I think that online visual stimulation and gaming can shut the mind down in a way that books and radio don't seem to, so limiting screen time can help keeping a person in reality if they're sinking into a shut down state.

Too much time to wallow is another problem area for DH when he's down so I try to come up with little time absorbing tasks that help to keep him busy that aren't actually essential so nothing critical that creates a pressure but things like car washing and vacuuming out are good quite physical and involve fresh air so tick a few activity boxes. Would your DS be motivated by having rewards linked to tasks - a basic human condition, so he could benefit from benefiting himself by getting on with life.

Maybe life is a bit too easy to opt out of and he can see the advantages and attention he gets by being at home but can't see any gain from towing the line and getting his backside to school.

Keep strong - I'm sure you can outstubborn him.

Many Thanks to you all for your support, it has helped me feel calmer and I am grateful for that, Last night he seemed better so I was sure he was putting it on. Bed at 10.30, slept well, woke up feeling better, we had a cuddle and a long chat in bed, he fell back to sleep quite suddenly and has been asleep for 3 hours now. Which doesn't seem right? But is it just a teenager hormone thing, do they sleep as much as everyone says they do! ? I never slept through the day it was simply not allowed, but I do remember a phase of falling asleep in school lots. But this is on top of sleeping all day yesterday. Anyway pc restrictions are in place, phone in isolation. Tbh he doesn't seem that bothered which is unlike him!

Get gp to refer to camhs for assessment. There us leary done element of amxiety etc. May be because he feels ill.

How much school has he missed ?
Look up school refusal also

Dd s nausea headaches dizziness were eventually diagnosed as chronic migraine. She has coeliac which is autoimmune.

Sorry autocorrect.
There is clearly some element of amxiety

Dd attendance dropped to zero ...she got support via the Lea thru medical needs officer via tutor groups then hospital school as day pupil... after 2 years back to mainstream

Sounds a very difficult situation and have no advice better than above but only wanted to check that , with the history of autoimmune disease, has Addison's disease been ruled out? Only because that can present very insidiously and with vague symptoms of nausea and fatigue