My mum wants to die and hospital are keeping her alive

[roberta3]

My mum is 85 and suffering from renal failure. She has decided to refuse any treatment and wants to die. We were keeping her comfortable in sheltered housing and she was slowly fading away. She has a very strong faith and feels she will be reunited with my dad soon.

All was well until last week when she had a fall. She was admitted ot hospital and has cracked her pelvis. I wanted to bring her out but felt we could not cope with the pain management, turning, etc, etc. More importantly SHE had got past the stage whether she cared whether she was at home or hospital so I felt okay that she was there.

However, the hospital staff have had her on a drip till she's bloated, are trying to feed her and have given her such strong drugs she has periods of total confusion thinking any male visitor is the gardener,etc.

What should I do? Will private nurses nurse her at home (the nursing homes around here are awful). Can we get the hospital just to keep her comfortable and not give her any agressive treatment. Please give me some advice and thanks for your patience in reading such a long message!

I spent the whole of yesterday crying (or that's what it felt like). Think a lot of it was lack of sleep but it all caught up with me. Decided I needed to retreat to the privacy of my own home when my DS3 aged 2 refused to join in at his singing/dance class and I burst into tears!!! It was more that I was worried that he was coming down with something as he usually loves the class and how could I juggle hospital visits with an ill child but today I can smile at the thought of all the mothers thinking I couldn't cope with the fact that he might not be the next Billy Elliot!

Anyway, my mum is now far more relaxed. They've stopped giving her the drugs that caused her so much confusion and now she's sleeping a lot, rather than being agitated. She was quite chatty off and on last night and kept asking where she was. When I asked her where she wanted to be she replied, "Heaven". I know we have done the right thing and I urge MNs to have a conversation with parents, partners, etc about their wishes because it has been hard for us but we know we're doing what she wants, so hopefully we won't beat ourselves up about it later.

She's been moved into her own room to give us all a bit of privacy and now has a 'no CPR' sticker on her bed.

I'm still having wobbly moments but KNOW we've made the right decision. Thanks for all your support.

roberta3, I'm so sorry this is happening. my dad died in November and thank goodness he was treated with dignity in the hospital where he died and mine/my mum's wishes were respected by all staff in a caring way.

They followed something called the Liverpool Pathway for the Care of the Dying (it was developed by one of the hospitals in Liverpool) - I'll try and find a link for you - which is a guide for staff and families when the end of life is very near. Basically it meant they gave pain relief and sedation if necessary to make him as comfortable as possible, and they withdrew all treatment which included the iv antibiotics he was on and all fluids. The "end" bit only lasted about 12 hours and we too had a side room for dad. Mum & Dad had discussed all the difficult issues like DNR and type of funeral etc, which made all the practical stuff much easier at a very difficult time.

There are also lots of other documents/protocols for other time periods eg the last year of life, to help families through the maze of healthcare options. I'm glad that your mum is more comfortable now and I will be thinking about you a lot during the next few days, it's not easy xxxxx

thanks fio, it's been hard but I now have more "better" days iykwim.

roberta, if you want to CAT me to offload, feel free

Just want you to know I am sending you and your mom my best wishes. I'm sorry that you are having a bad time. I'm glad she is more comftorable now. Welld one you for being so strong for her.

How are you holding up Roberta?

Will post properly later but just to let you know my mum died on Tuesday evening after a really rough few days.

Wrapped up in funeral arrangements at the moment (it's on Tues) but I feel more relaxed than I've felt in months. I'm so glad she's started the next stage of her journey...

((((Roberta))) it must be a difficult time, but glad you can see the positive in this. I'm glad for your mother that her ordeal is over.
((((((Thinking of you))))))

Roberta, my deepest condolences...but please take comfort in knowing you did everything you could to make your Mum's journey easier. I think you've made a lot of MNers (me included) think about these things a bit more deeply than perhaps we had before. Take care, and give yourself time to grieve.

Bundle - I didn't know about your Dad - I'm very sorry.

My deepest condolences Roberta.

I so respect what you have done for your mum. It isn't easy to do what you did, but you have shown so much love and respect for your mother by following her wishes.x

I was in a very similar situation to you, Roberta. Thinking of you at this time - your dm was fortunate to have such a caring dd and family to see her wishes were respected.

Take care.