Need help dealing with WORRY! Why am I such a worrier?

[TheBoysMum]

I have always been a worrier. The thing I have always found impossible to deal with is my husband (and previous boyfriends for that matter) coming home/turning up later than they said they would. Approximately 3 minutes after they were due home, I find myself becoming totally irrational about what has happened to them. I feel sick and giddy, pace up and down and run through every scenario in my mind until they walk through the door at which point I always act sane and sensible so that they are none the wiser.

Now that I am a parent things have got worse. My second child is not hitting all the developmental milestones as laid out in all the books and I am becoming obsessed about finding out why. I research about all the problems my child MAY have and worry incessantly that he actually have one/all of these problems. It is starting to interfere with daily life as I now spend the whole day worrying. I worry about what MIGHT happen rather than what IS happening. I worry about what my children MIGHT be rather than enjoying what they actually ARE.

Where could all this worry stem from? - I am a sensible, educated woman! Do all of you parents worry this much? It's driving me nuts!! I laugh inside every time someone tells me 'don't worry...'

TBM I'm a real worrier too. I always have been. I'm also rather 'morbid' in that I can reduce myself to tears imagining terrible scenarios in which one of my loved ones dies or I die and they are left alone. I work 2 days a week and dp looks after dd on those days. I get in at 6pm and usually dd would have had her tea by then but on a couple of occasions they've not been here when I've got home and I've been an utter wreck. Shaking, sweating, unable to do anything at all and on the verge of phoning hospitals. Of course they've always been fine, just caught up in having fun which makes me feel a fool when they walk through the door and I'm sitting there white-knuckled and pale-faced.

I know exactly what you mean. I'm also a sensible, educated woman who should 'know better.'

I wish I had a suggestion for you to help. I hope someone else does! In pre-dd days I did take some antidepressants as my worries kept me awake half the night. But I'm avoiding that route for now. I'll take it if things get very very bad. Is it something you've ever considered?

I don't think that I have any of the asnwers - but let's face it - you've passed the first hurdle with flying colours .... at least you REALISE that you are a worrier.

I have trained myself to be an optimist - rather than a pessimist - I don't know whether or not this is the same thing but you've taken the first step ....

IF I come up with any magic solutions I'll let you know .... in the meantime think about all the times you HAVE thought the worse - and has it actually happened ? Probably not !!'

My husband always laughs about my cup being half empty and his being half full. It is SO true. But WHAT put me here? Why can't I look on the bright side?
strangerthanfiction - do you ever 'own up' to feeling the way you do. i.e. when you go crazy when they are late, do you ever tell dp the way you were, not 10 minutes ago? I am embarrassed to, so act like nothing has happened.
dh is very good about ringing me if he is likely to be late, but only after years of me telling him it is important to me. If only he could see what I was like when he was those few minutes late!
Sometime I feel like it is a kooky madness in me that makes me like this. Only now am I trying to challenge it - after all when you have kids it COULD get out of hand and so I am trying to deal with it before it drive me nuts.
I really wish I wasn't a worrier. It can sometimes make life feel impossible!
In answer to your question - never taken any medication for it!

I think worry is part of being a parent.

I also think if your child doesn't hit milestones then it is a worrying time. I worried when mine started looking as if something was up- and worried far far more BEFORE I knew what was wrong- rather than afterwards (he's autistic).

Worry us a problem when you HAVE to have something to worry about, so you look for problems which aren't there. Otherwse I think its natural (and I hate people being late etc and assume the worst as well).

jj - I agree that worry is a part of being a parent and therefore when you were an incessant worrier before having kids, adding parenthood on top sometimes makes life just that bit too hard.

EXAMPLE: I spent too many hours on line today (try 5 as a SAHM! Hooray for Broadband!) researching why my son MIGHT not be hitting his milestones. What could I have done? Spent more time with him HELPING him hit his milestone, or even just spent time with him (he is gorgeous BTW). Life is too short, surely? I cannot seem to control this 'worry addiction'.

I'm a bit of a wittle arse never happy unless I've got something to worry about sometimes can't sleep worrying about things that arent that important worse at certain times of the month I think Its hormonal and part of being a parent, programmed to worry to protect our children. Sometimes you can spend ages looking for the right answer but it might not be there because it isnt that straightforward or every child is different and they're might not be a right answer(if that makes sense)

Hi TheBoysMum

I am a born worrier. As Jimjams said in her post I actually worry if I am not worrying. The slightest, smallest thing can set me into a panic. I have a special needs daughter that i worry constantly about. Like you I am constantly reading about her problems and what she "might" have and searching on the internet. I worry about my son because I spend too much time worrying about dd and not enough about him.
It is horrible but you are not the only one. I found when I went to the gym I felt a lot better but haven't been for ages. I must make the effort as it definitely seemed to calm me down.

trudles - Hormonal eh? Not thought of that. Period due tomorrow and in tears worrying more than usual tonight. Never thought of that. Are you sure?
Also I always assume there must be an answer to every question and if I look long and hard enough, I will find that answer. Perhaps this is the root of my problem?

I've always been a worrier. I have had times when DH has been late (& he is a dreadful timekeeper) & I have got as far as planning his funeral in my head when he turns up!

This sort of worry CAN be a symptom of depression, especially to this extreme. Have you checked with your GP?

Wow - i am not the only one then!!!
I could worry for England. I thought it would all stop when i gave up work, but now i worry about anything, tiny weeny things that really don't matter. And i also worry that if i am not careful my DD will become a worrier. DH is so laid back he really doesn't understand me.
I recently went to a pamper evening at a local school, and a lady was doing bach flower remedies. You have a brief consultation, and then she makes up this "potion" to match your needs - i have 5 remedies covering worry, guilt, lethargy, irritability etc. They are mixed with water and you just put a couple of drops on your tongue 4 times a day. I don't know if it works as with all the trouble with DD i haven't been taking it regularly - but its worth a shot surely!

Theboysmum-are you my twin? Your post reminded me of an incident a few weeks back,when normally prompt DH was 1.5 hours late home.I was far too worked up to act sane when he walked in & burst into tears.

I have always been a worrier too.I think that a lot of it now is because DD is the baby I was told I wouldn't have.Not only is she here,but sleeps well,is adorable & happy & healthy.But does this help? No.I constantly worry that we are too lucky with her & that something dreadful is going to happen to wreck it all.

I have taken anti-d's in the past,but am trying to avoid taking them again.I used to ask myself that out of all the things that I ever worried about,did any of them ever happen & in my entire life so far,only one has.Therefore,logically I should relax a bit,but I can't.

I hope someone has an optomistic manta that I can repeat to myself.

TheBoysMum (and others!!) you all sound a bit like me too. Funny enough it is timekeeping which is my big thing, as well as not being able to get in touch with dh should something happen. What that something might be I have no idea but whatever it is I want to be able to get hold of him if there is something! So my nightmare scenario is him late home and me finding he has his mobile switched off, or has gone somewhere with no coverage (he's a doctor in a remote area so the mobile coverage is sometimes patchy).

I'm depressed (or recovering from depression) which is part of the problem, but I have always been a bit of a worrier. WHen I was at university I got so worked up that I ended up having CBT to help and it made a huge difference, and I am actually on the waiting list to have this again (15 years later I am worrying about different things!). Cognitive Behavioural THerapy is a way to help you 'reprogram' your thoughts using a variety of techniques that work for you. One example : my psychologist at Uni got me to wear an elastic band loosley around my wrist and 'ping' it against myself every time I started to worry, for 24 hours. At the end of the time my wrist was red raw and I realised the effect it was having on my life and relationships. I went from hardly leaving my flat (not good as a student with lectures etc to go to) to being fully functional, getting into teacher training college and graduating for college top of my year. It made a huge difference. CBT is available on the NHS but there can be a long waiting list - even here, where the health service is good, the wait is 9 months.

I think some people are born worriers but you don't have to let it take over your life. HTH.

I'm not like this at all. I do worry sometimes but only over things that I can make a difference to, where a decision has to be made etc. I don't feel very tolerant of people who worry all the time over what is often trivia but I also realise that we're not all the same and other people are just different. There can't be much worse than someone saying "don't worry" if you are worrying! I think if I were like this to an extreme I would try to do something about it, a bit of cognitive behavioural therapy or something. Depression is another kettle of fish and maybe being a worrier is a mild form? I don't think people who worry are idiots or anything, I just think its wasted energy etc and don't know what reserves there can be for when something really terrible happens, that must just become unmanageable. I don't mean to offend anyone, being a non-worrier sounds very smug but just thought a different perspective on this thread might be interesting.